I don't have sence of self

[Against_the_current]

I can't defend myself. I can't soothe myself. I can't make a desision. I can't stick to it. I ask everyone what to do and then panic cause they say different things. I can't defend my space. I can't defend myself and my desisions. I can't love myself. I need reassurance. I was a baby my parents left and nobody calmed. And i keep on crying. I wasn't comforted then and i can't comfort myself now. I'm weak. I'm going insane and therapists are messing me more. I'm trying so hard to heal but Who sees. My roommate doesn't. And i can't move uot just now. And in the new place i would be the same. I m sick of running. Feeling in danger in my own homes. I always did. I feel like a rat. Always hiding. I'm a damn human but i'm treated like something less. And i just try to run. And hide. I'm tired of it. 3 years i didn't cook because i was afraid. 3 years i hid in my room or stayed ta parents. And she arrived just when i got sick of it.

Called my therapist. She said I should have went without knowing the story, i told her it's making me feel worse and she said in a mocking voice "oh i'm so sorry, please forgive me, i'm so sorry". Tried to talk to a friend, she said therapists Suck and she s going to her psychiatrist and i felt worse. And she cancelled to see me. I tried to speak to other friend, she said she's unwell herself and started telling me about her boyfriend. I had nightmares about my roommate all night and can't stop vomiting

And searching for reassurance i get to ppl Who only confuse me more, sometimes they say things that are upseting or confuse me more, like my grandparents who told me it's okay i didn't go to visit as i was on a training but i actually couldn't go to the training because i was crying and vomiting. Or my friends who complain themselves. But there is worse - the guy who tried to scam me and predators. Recently on social media i'm getting a wave of them. Act like will help and then want pics, disturbing

[KSIXX2]

Hey Real Me! I've suffered most of my life with the same problems. I continuously seek answers. It's VERY weird that I was reading about this earlier. And I'm not a doctor, just a respiratory therapist but look up Avoidant Personality Disorder. It fits especially when you were young. It's NOT your fault at all! And I sure understand what you're feeling too.And boy it is scary as hell. Hang with me and we'll get through it okay? I'm 53 female and have been under a psychiatrist care since I was 25.

Kimberly

[Against_the_current in reply to KSIXX2]

I'm sorry you're in this too. And oh boy a personality disorder, damn i collect disorders, they're basically buy 1, get 5 free. Download free, psychiatrist and therapist salaries for subscribtion. I'm even starting to come out with new ones. I'm getting 22 this month and i started therapy at 14 and meds at 16 but espessially therapy has messed me up more

[Tara52]

I am so sorry you are feeling so frightened. You are safe!Take a slow deep calming breath and try to focus on one good thing...a flower, a beautiful tree your favorite animal. Sometimes putting on some calming instrumental music or nature sounds like the ocean waves can help. Praying that you can feel God's loving arms embracing you today. 💗🤗 Hugs!

[Against_the_current in reply to Tara52]

Thanks 😭❤️🤗

[CindyKatherine in reply to Against_the_current]

Hello real_me. At times, as KSIXX2, rightly observed, it is not our fault for the social challenges we have. I think our childhood affects a lot how we think, and perceive things, relate to people, and so on. But, you are stronger than this situation.

I have been in positions where I was seeking people's approval directly or indirectly, then I came to the enlightened point of how confused I was. And, I started seeking just one approval—that of God. It is what made the difference in my life.

This approval thing will often make one thinks less of himself. Just do your thing and seek approval from above. When you say you are special, it is not because you want to feel very but truly because you are a human and all humans are special. The same goes with "I am sane, strong, happy, beautiful/handsome, great person to be with, desired, smart and intelligent, and so on".

Your user name here is amazing. The real_me, that is cute. Be the real you and bury all the opinions of others. And, those who won't like the real you should please hug a transformer.

[Against_the_current in reply to CindyKatherine]

Hah thanks