A conundrum

[BrownEyesBlue]

I’m struggling with a situation and would like some different perspectives on it.

I have this friend that I adore. She is a wonderful person and has a good heart. My problem is she goes long times without speaking. Now, I know life gets busy and I have friends who I go long spills without speaking too. But this particular friend will read my messages and not respond. She will not contact nor talk to me when she’s “happy” or there’s no conflict in her life. As soon as her boyfriend(s) leave or they break up she’s messaging me with the woe is me story. Wanting advice and talking to me. She’s recently done this. I’ve sent three messages (short and sweet) and she’s read and not responded. I’m really hurt.

My conundrum is I really want to write and in the nicest possible way that if I’m just an option when she’s lonely/bored or when she’s sad, then don’t make me an option. But I also don’t want to alienate her because she’s told me before when I’ve expressed my feelings/boundaries that I was “mean” and I feel some kind of weird connection to her. It makes me feel taken advantage of though. I went through a similar situation with an ex who would use my feelings for him to take advantage when he was down and out and leave me high and dry when he figured his stuff out. Maybe it’s a pattern I need to break? I just don’t want to lose her friendship. Should I speak up?

What’s everyone’s opinion? I appreciate each and every one 😌

[Blueruth]

One way to check without a confrontation is to end your message with a question. Usually a business trick but I think it could work here. Like solicit an opinion or ask if it is okay to []. she could just be the kind of person that goes long times without speaking. It isn't really nice to show up needing to vent and then disappearing. It would certainly be fair to ask why she contacts you with her problems and then disappears for a long while and let her know how that makes you feel. A lot of people do that sort of thing so I don't know that it is you but if you confront her you might get a clue.

[Marysblue]

I was told by a therapist that you should phrase it by saying , I am disappointed . ..that i only hear from you when you're having problems.

I read a quote today that said

Quit crossing oceans for people that wouldn't step over a puddle for you

[GustheGrinch]

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[Moonira]

Hi BrownEyes. Sorry to tell you what you already suspect....your "friend" sounds like a manipulative, self-centered individual. What are you getting out of this friendship although I hesitate to refer what you have with this person as a friendship. Unfortunately people like this hurt sensitive people like you. My advice- please don't invest your time, emotions into this relationship. You're way above that!! Take care of Yourself.💫👏💫🦋🎶

[gracy225]

In my opinion only, this phrase in your post that reads " if I’m just an option when she’s lonely/bored or when she’s sad, then don’t make me an option. " Nails it. I think you already answered your own question! xgracy