Good relationships but I want to leave

[jeff0127]

I’ve found a really great woman, she’s truly amazing, smart, beautiful, great mother, on and on. We’ve been dating for about 15 months. She just started a new job, her dream job per her words. All of a sudden I’m now feeling anxious every time she has to travel. I’ve been cheated on in my past, many times, so I’m not the most trusting person, I know that, but she’s done nothing to make me feel that way towards her. I just start feeling sick to my stomach when she’s gone, it’s such a crappy feeling that I don’t really want to be with her anymore. She’s done nothing at all, but the anxiety just isn’t worth it. I’ve been single for five years before her with no problems, so I know I can be single and happy.

Any thoughts? Anyone been in this situation and left but regretted it?

[gerg]

I ruined a lot of relationships, some of them with women I still love. My issues was anxiety had whittled away my self esteem, to the point where I could not accept the love of others. The goofy part is that I would always break up saying “it’s not you, it’s me” and it was really me. Being loved made me exceptionally sad, yet I could love others without condition.

I don’t know if any of this applies to you, but I do want you to know that you are not alone.

[jeff0127 in reply to gerg]

Yes this is pretty much exactly how I feel. I see her as super-human, basically can do no wrong, but I feel as though I do nothing right. Thank you for the reply, this was really helpful.

[hypercat54]

Hi unless you want to remain single forever I would tackle this anxiety and try and work through it. Have you thought of counselling? x

[jeff0127 in reply to hypercat54]

Do you mean counseling for myself or as a couple? I've tried by myself, not for many years now. These feelings are somewhat new again, so just starting to find solutions.

[Hidden]

First thought that comes to mind is, have you talked to her about how you feel?

[jeff0127 in reply to Hidden]

Yeah, she knows most of it, she doesn't want me to leave. Her words "I've waited for 10 years to be with you." She's willing to work through it with me, but I've had women say that before too and it hasn't worked. I understand it's difficult being on the other side of depression or anxiety, I wouldn't blame her if she tried and then found it too difficult. But I guess I think, well if that might happen, then what's the point of going through all the pain and suffering, why not just end it now.

[Hidden in reply to jeff0127]

Those feelings sure sound familiar... I was terrified for many years that my partner would leave me or cheat or die, or something. The more I loved,the more fearful I became. Then one day, I left. Not because of anything they did, but because I couldn’t deal with the anxiety anymore. Thank God my partner didn’t give up on me. We are now still together.

What I learned is this... you will be together for so and so long, whether a few months/years/ or a lifetime. You can either enjoy that time together or not enjoy that time together, regardless of how or when things end...or IF... so just choose to enjoy the ride. Don’t waste it.

Ask yourself, would it hurt if things were to end today? If the answer is yes, then it’s too late to protect yourself. Take a risk, see where life takes the two of you

[jeff0127 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you for this, rings so true for me. Yes, it would hurt if it ended today, I know this, but I also think at least the hurt ends eventually, not sure if it ends if I stay. But, those are just my negative thinking getting in the way of a potentially really great relationship. I'm sure I can conquer these feelings, it's just time and lots of hard work and a lot of patience from her. Your partner sounds amazing, great job listening to them and preserving!

[Miss-P74 in reply to jeff0127]

Ten years to wait for someone is a very long time to Chuck it all away for anxiety. She sounds amazing and what you have said about her, you love her and she loves you. Intrusive thoughts suck and all part of Anxiety. Anxiety doesn’t love you. She does. I’d rather be with her than be with the anxiety. Your very lucky to have such a wonderful woman. Keep her. Work on you. To have someone that is willing to stand by you and help you is great. Not many partners do or even understand what we go through with anxiety. I hope you work it out. 💕

[jeff0127 in reply to Miss-P74]

Thank you for the thoughtful, kind words. It makes total sense. I definitely continue working on myself, just need a few more coping strategies for those hard times (which don't even last very long in the grand scheme of things) and I feel like we'll be great together.

[Miss-P74 in reply to jeff0127]

Your welcome. I’m glad you’re going to work things out.

Try some self help books. Dr Claire Weekes which we all go on about really works if you put the effort in to recover. You can do this. You can live a happy loving life and beat anxiety! All the very best. ⭐️

[Jdavid2000]

Google "cognitive distortions". It will show the common ways we think that aren't true to reality and may set your mind at ease. No evidence is a good cause for no concern.

[Jdavid2000 in reply to Jdavid2000]

That said, it's way easier to know it than to use it, I know

[jeff0127 in reply to Jdavid2000]

Awesome, thank you for the information. Yeah I agree, I'm way better at giving and preaching solid advice than knowing it and using it myself :/

[gerg in reply to jeff0127]

Start with humility and honesty. These are two big steps towards rational thinking.

[Jdavid2000 in reply to gerg]

The problem with low self esteem is not knowing where to apply humility.

[2tired2beme]

Keep the conversation open and find something to occupy your time and boost your self esteem!