Passive suicidal idealizations

[Theloudone]

I guess it’s not normal to wish you were dead. I’m too embarrassed to call a hotline. I don’t have active thoughts of committing suicide, I just don’t want to be here anymore.

[samack]

Yep. I lost my dearest cat on top of everything. Wish I were with him.

[Hidden]

I would like to reply, but would you mind locking this post first? Thanks!

[Theloudone in reply to Hidden]

How do I do that?

[Hidden in reply to Theloudone]

Hi. Go to your post and at the bottom you will see 2 radio buttons related to who you want seeing your post. One says "only community members". Click on that. Then re-post🙂

[bgkg]

I am so sorry you are feeling so hopeless and disconnected. I have had those thoughts too and they are scary and feel like the only option. Please know how much you matter. Never be embarrassed to reach out for help. You matter too much to not be here anymore. Please know that and please please reach out.

[RemySue]

I feel the same way at times. It's just always there underlying my thoughts

[Jeff1943]

So what has caused you to become tired of life? What stresses have caused your nervous system to become over sensitive? There is a reason for everything that happens. And there is always a solution to every problem waiting to be found.

I know nothing about you, you didn't tell us much. But as you have found your way to an anxiety forum then it is reasonable to presume that you experience high anxiety and the feeling of depletion that often accompanies it that some people call depression.

Anxiety can be caused by over work, loss, grief, toxic relationships, guilt, money worries to name but a few reasons. Eventually your nervous system can take no more and becomes over sensitised. In this state it exaggerates many times over any negative thoughts you have.

Perhaps life has lost its sparkle and the world appears to be a dull place. Everybody feels that way at certain periods in their lives. But in your case the dullness, the feeling that you lack anything to live for, is ten times worse because your over-sensitive nerves are making it appear so.

What I'm suggesting is that your world weariness is another symptom of anxiety. If only you could neutralise the stress, or stresses, that have sensitised your nerves your perception of the world would change and joy will enter your life once more.

Just don't give up, an exciting world awaits your recovery. I wish you all speed towards that happy conclusion.

[Lazy_dog_lover]

I can empathize with your feelings. I know they are tough to deal with. Do you know what triggers you? The last two years have been exhausting, especially for those of us who have limited energy to persevere through the crap.

There is nothing to feel embarrassed about when calling the hotline. It is a place to be listened to. Hang in there.

[PastelPink20]

Saaaaaaaaaaaaaaame.

Isn’t it so weird to imagine loving yourself and your life? What must it be like to wake up every day and be welcomed gladly by the sun? To enjoy your youth? To feel like you belong?

Still, you’re not alone. It may not be normal, but it is a real and known human experience. There are a lot of people who understand and can help.

Also, I agree. I can’t call the hotline either. It’s too anxiety-provoking for being on the phone and for other people hearing me talk on the phone. I have texted with one a few times. One person was fantastic and I’m super appreciative of her for connecting with me. The others were okay. I’d rather not do it again, but, I’m glad I did.

It can be reaching out to someone who’s there to hear you. That alone can be priceless. (741-741) or crisistextline.org

The thing about passive suicidal ideation for me is at some level: I don’t want to die; I want life to be better than this. But, if I don’t believe it can be, then, I don’t want to be here.

There have been different reasons I stayed and different reasons I have a habit of the internal thoughts, “I want to die.” “I don’t want to be here.” “I don’t want to exist.”

Life is a gift I’d like to return. No, I don’t have the receipt. Oh well...

When I was younger, I became content with having to suffer and still exist despite not wanting to. It’s true that there can be the thought or the desire that’s not action-based but still holds the pain, devoid of emotion, the purposeless existential dread, and hopelessness.

It’s hard to not be able to talk about it. Like, I don’t want to be like this! It’s frustrating. Bleh. I just want people to know I’m hurting, but, I don’t want them to be burdened by the truth or the responsibility of knowing?

I can’t text a friend, “I want to die lol. Let’s just forget I started crying at lunch and that my life is falling to pieces”, or tell my teacher, “Sorry this homework’s late. I want to kill myself, but also don’t want to. Thanks for the pep talk about the my future though.”

Still, I am thankful to my past self for persevering. She didn’t choose to live until later; However, she didn’t choose to die either. I forget, but, what strength it took!

I had to learn that depression wasn’t who I was and I got to learn what my life looks like without it a little for a brief period of time. Now, I can see the hope, even when I can’t see it, it’s a bit of remembering and a lot of imagining.

It isn’t supposed to be like this. But it is.

It isn’t your fault and you can’t control everything. But you are enough until life becomes more than enough again or for the first time. Even at your lowest, you matter. You always do.

[Hidden]

Hi. Me again. I'll respond anyway because I want to pass on something my nurse told me. One of my cries for help is to threaten suicide. Its is my way of expressing how desperate and hurt I am. I am ashamed of it, though. My nurse told me that it's more common than you'd think for people to wish themselves dead. She said that most all who threaten suicide don't actually want to die. Rather, they want to cry for help. PastelPink20 says it perfectly for me: "I don’t want to die; I want life to be better than this".

I hope this helps you to know that you're not alone.😊

[Theloudone in reply to Hidden]

Yes that makes sense. Thanks for the response

[cbgrace1980]

I'm sorry that you are having a difficult time right now. Please know that you are not alone. Have you thought about working with a counselor? I can say that working with her really helped me and I feel so much better now. It might be hard to get started, but it's worth the work. Hugs to you.

[Theloudone]

Thank you- yes I do therapy once a week, sometimes twice.

[PastelPink20 in reply to Theloudone]

That’s amazing!!! I haven’t been able to get into a therapist yet, despite trying. I hope therapy has become a place you can process and heal.