I feel like i'm alone through life, yes, i am all alone and yet i open my social media, see people and i feel like "i hate them". I saw my roommate's stories and i felt terrible. I don't even follow the rest but just seeing them made me think "damn, i met some people in university, roommates and their friends and hate them, they're so happy living silly little lives, loving friends of some random people and etc" and seeing my unimates stories like "damn, i'm so unimportant, life goes on without me. I'm dying and people are partying. And those people said they have covid". Everyone is so insensetive. And people from school are even worse, i still get nightmares from them, i won't even talk about them. I go through life all alone. You say "go to a friend when mom drinks" but i don't have a friend. It's really messed up to be a lonely introvert. But when i'm with people i feel so bad, like "They're having fun, nobody gives a damn about me, i'm insignificant, i'm sad, they're trying to fix me but i can't be like them, even therapists couldn't fix me, i'm so lost, are they judging me, i bet nobody likes me, the new roommate already got closer with the old one i've been living with for 3 years, nobody here likes me, i'm sad and they're having fun, If i say it, they would try to fix me but that's damn insensetive and dumb, i study this, it's not that easy, i wouldn't have a future job If anxiety and depression were healed by some dumb extrovert telling you to not be yourself". I hate social gathering because i feel like nobody likes me, like i'm the odd one. And i go through life alone. They're posting stories about how thet love each other and they only know themselves for a month. I'm a hallucination. I'm like a ghost, i grab something and i nobody saw me eating, meanwhile the newbie would have a Master chef, play loud music and talk on the phone so loud like she owns the whole building. They be inviting the classmate of the sister of the coisin of one's boyfriend and liking her more than me. And having fun. And i can't, i just can't snap out of my traumas with mom, dad, sis, grandma... I can't. And nobody cares. See why i have to bear the hell at home - because hell is everywhere.
And i'm insignificant in home too. Mom thinks i'm sleeping all day and living life. Like i'm some animal that only eats and sleep. Like a Glonk. Nobody gives me credit for losing it all the time and still being top 10 best students and having full score on everything, going to all classes, carrying the conversations there. Because believe me in online education nobody wants to talk. But i do. One unimate didn't make her presentation and the teacher said she wants a disscussion on this topic or else she's giving it as an extra exam. I carried the disscussion. I always do (but in this country you can't get an A+ and nobody cares anyway ). I actually opened the damn social media because some unimate messaged me what the exam was and i wanted to help. I always help them with Studies despite i'm losing it and that's the only communication i get, then they forget about me. I help mom and sis and still they think i'm doing nothing just because my university is online and i'm not going physically. I can't even fell unwell, mom tells me she's got it worse. Well, it's not a competion, mom. Dad doesn't give a damn. He's dumb. Everyone in this country is dumb. And really insensetive. I'm losing it since november 2020, having constant panic attacks, ptsd, nightmares, mom drinking, carrying about sis, lowkey being mom's house wife, don't get me started about dad, carrying about sis and still percieving something and carrying about everyone and nobody gives a damn. Nobody gives me credit. Probably i sound like mom now. I'm damaged to the core. I can't even find a therapist. And i help others who have it lighter (their words) and still carry while lagging (sorry for the gamer terminology). I'm tired. And broken. And insignificant. And tired of being a sensetive introvert empath. But i don't want to change who i am to fit into the rotten world of dumb insensetive people. I can't kill my soul like that. I'm feeling alone when i'm with people because i still suffer over my family and because think nobody likes me, they're judging me, they don't care. But well, when being stupid and rude become the norm? If that's the norm, i don't want to be normal. I'm suffering but damn it i have a soul. I have a personally, an inner flame. They're just animals. I see a lot of People getting depressed just because they don't have this flame. But i have a wild fire in. And i have a wild fire outside. Probably what i'm writing is bullshit but i needed these thoughts shared because i'm losing sence of reality because of the severe trauma. Everyone would be in my place.
