Waking up. Wishing I didn't

[Against_the_current]

Wish my friend called me. Maybe i wouldn't save him from jumping but i would at least jump with him. This life is unbearable. It's surreal. Bipolar alcoholic mother, dad got away and gave birth to a Tasmanian devil with a pick me tomboy my age, emo teen sis that i worry myself out for, clueless balkan grandparents, hysteric cardiac ill anxious communist religious grandma, fake friends that never text first and only talk about themselves, fake unimates and society, my situationship attempted suicide, war and pandemic. Perfect

My unimates have already filled the choosable subjects and the subject that is left is on my sister's birthday. Who gives a damn about me?!

My last exam was yesterday and we're already starting and we have to stay hours at university and at internships. I didn't do anything. I didn't work, I didn't work out, i couldn't rest. No time. Where is time going?!

Waking up from nightmares and it's already dark outside. Tried to call dad to tell him i did the translations and need the pay and the baby was crying like a wild Tasmanian devil

And I try so hard. Two therapists, meds, exercises, meditations, yoga, cbt, remedies, still study. But at the end it doesn't even matter

Internet here lagging, overthinking this place after my terrible roommates kicked me out

And all this after waking up

Waking up

[SoporRose]

You do try hard! Every day! And I am so impressed that you keep on going.

I read an article last night that I think would be meaningful to you. I don't think it will change anything and it certainly won't fix your problems, but it showed up right after I read your post about your friend who jumped and almost seemed as if it had been written in response to your post. If you can find it, it's "How Do You Serve a Friend in Despair?" by David Brooks.

If you're interested, try this link to read the article: nytimes.com/2023/02/09/opin...

Here's a link to Brooks reading it on YouTube:

youtu.be/vJCyl_qp9eU(Not working as expected?)

Did your dad get you your pay?

One thing I would like to point out: the baby's existence may eat at your heart, but it is as much an innocent victim as you are. You probably won't come to love it, but you might feel sorry for it.

Why didn't you get a chance to choose your topic at the same time as the other students?

What you do DOES matter. It will matter to your friend who jumped and now has to re-build his body and his mind. It will matter to your sister as she looks for role models and ways to create a life for herself. It will matter to all the people you help with your degree, whether that's through research or working as a therapist. It matters every time you choose to avoid making the world a worse place and every time you invest yourself in making a better one.

I don't know that you'll ever feel as if the world will pay you back. I wish I could promise that will happen. I hope you can make it through this semester and that you'll be able to find a job and some better friends to buoy you up. I believe you can do all thise things: graduate, find a job, find your feet and your balance, and start to heal.

[Against_the_current in reply to SoporRose]

Thanks. But im in despair. He doesn't want my help. My other friends think im annoying. Wish they gave me credit like you. My uni-mates would watch me die and do nothing. Future therapists don't give a flying damn. I woke late and the early bird gets the worm in my hell of a class. That's not a class, that's a bunch of wolves, dressed as puppies. So is my half-sibling. I refuse to acknowledge it as my relative. It's my right. And ppl who advocate for it make me scream. I started crying when i read this. This thing doesn't let me talk to my dad but screams like a Tasmanian devil. That's not my relative, that's some lemur or something. People hate me for the trauma it did to me. Everyone hates me. Or just doesn't give a damn about me. Im a burden. Wish it was me who fell. I can't stop crying. People give up on me for having a trauma. Like it's my fault. Im just in pain. I have a therapist and a psychiatrist, i need a friend

[SoporRose in reply to Against_the_current]

If I could see an easy way out for you, I would tell you not to despair. But sometimes that is the right response, at least for a while. Sometimes what we need our friends to do is to hold on to hope for us, so that it is there when we are ready for it again. I'll try to do that for you, because I do have hope that you will get through this semester, graduate, find a job, and begin to build a career and a life that is your own and not one dictated by your family.

I am sorry if I made you scream about the baby; I do think of you as the kind of person who wants to be fair. Perhaps what I should have said is that you have enough work cut out for you dealing with the people in your family who have let you down or damaged you. Is your therapist able to help you plot out ways to make your family situation better? Does she or he have recommendations for a way forward? I don't know what to say that is useful and don't want to make things worse.

[Against_the_current in reply to SoporRose]

Thanks for being here. Im sorry that im fragile. My therapist works just with me. Thise who tried to invite my parents made mistakes so did my parents

[SoporRose in reply to Against_the_current]

I remember that you said having your parents come to sessions was a disaster. I didn't mean that I thought you should try that again; I just thought maybe your therapist would have suggestions for things to say to them to deflect the criticisms or insanity.

[SoporRose]

And I meant to say also that I think your friend *does* want your help because he bothered to reach out to you to let you know what happened to him. You know from your studies how many things someone with that kind of depression can feel: shame, worthlessness, pain, warring desires to live and to die, not wanting to bother friends while wanting those friends to prove they care enough about us by not giving up even when the depression makes us push them away. The trick will be finding the right way to be there. Could you make some postcards to send to him once or twice a week? A piece of mail says, "I'm here for you when you want me. I'm thinking about you, but not pressuring you, and will wait for when you're ready." You could start a story and tell your friend a little bit, maybe just a sentence even, of it in each note. That might spark his curiosity and give him something to which to look forward. Mail is physical evidence and a tanglible reminder that someone cares.

Everything you've experienced and all your studies will give you the tools you need to be patient with and supportive with this friend. I have faith that you can do this. It will be a long road for him (as it is a long road for you) back to health and a sense of a quiet soul.

But if helping him is more than you can take on right now, if you need to focus on your own healing before you can help others, be honest with yourself and with him about that.

[Against_the_current in reply to SoporRose]

That's the truth. And a great idea

[SoporRose in reply to Against_the_current]

You know, I wonder if your friend might like to sign up here?