Not caring because others never did

[Shanm2]

Failing myself with self hatred and maybe too harsh on myself to change different thought patterns. Thinking why should i care for or about myself when everyone makes it clear they don't. For the ones that do, feeling like a even bigger failure because i'm letting them down too. Because if i ever did something to change or better myself, it hasn't been for myself in quite sometime, but more for them. Obviously thats just settling myself up for failure too. I miss the old me until she couldn't deal with life. I wish i could treat myself better, but where do i even start.

[Hidden]

👋. I'm so sorry you’re feeling so bad. I'm going through a period of intense self-hatred as well. It is truly awful. I'm reading a book right now called "How to Stop Feeling Like Sh*t" by Andrea Owen. Here's an excerpt from it that might help:

"Why does it even matter how I talk to myself? Maybe the negative self-talk has become second nature to you. You might be thinking, "So what? If I'm kind to other people, does it really matter if I'm kind to myself? In a word, yes. The obvious (or maybe not-so-obvious) reason is that when you aren't compassionate to yourself - when you make it a habit to berate yourself and talk poorly to yourself - you feel like shit".

She goes on to say that beating yourself up on a regular basis negatively affects your self-confidence, self-esteem, and overall happiness.

Also, I notice a contradiction in what you write here. You say that "...everyone makes it clear that they don't". But then you say, "for the ones that do...". See the contradiction here? On the one hand you say that nobody cares for you, while on the other hand you say that some do. Please hold onto that. It's evidence that people do care.

This "black-and-white thinking" is something I struggle with as well. It's either all/everyone or none/nobody. There is no middle ground. I recently felt that I lost the support of some important people in my life. Because of this, I started telling others that no one cares for me and wants to support me. I'm learning how to catch when I say that and to refute it. There are people who care about me. There are people who care about you as well.

I hope this helps somewhat🙂

[Shanm2 in reply to Hidden]

I'm going to get this book!

And i can see the contradiction i've put there. I meant more that others don't care such parents and 'family' members and for the one that does is, My younger Sister, whom is my best friend. I couldn't just simply say no one cares because its not fully true.

Sometimes it can seem that the 'parents and family' can get so heavy that its so easy to focus on the bad rather than the good.

Is that similar to the black and white thinking you mentioned?

Thank you soo much for your reply! I really needed it today.

Hope you take care of yourself, and meet yourself with the kindness and encouraging words as you did for me today. Wishing you all the love, gratitude, kindness you deserve! X

[Hidden in reply to Shanm2]

You are so very welcome🙂

Black and white thinking is a cognitive distortion. This link tells about the different ones. Black-and-white thinking is the 9th one listed:

share.upmc.com/2021/05/cogn...

Your example of filtering out the good would be more an example of another cognitive distortion (maybe mental filtering?, but check the list) than black-and-white thinking. Black-and-white is more of an "all or nothing", "it's either this way or that way" kind of thing. I either have totally support or no support, I either am liked or I am hated by everyone kind of thing. When in this mindset, one cannot see any middle ground. Take my case for example. I feel like I've lost support of a few important people in my life. Because of this, my mind has concluded that no one supports me qnd that I'm all alone.

I hope you enjoy the book. There is another one called "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck" by Mark Manson. (I swear I'm not enorsing books with swear words in their titles here🤣). This one talks about not caring what others think of you.

Thank you for your last paragraph🙂 Make sure you transfer those words over to yourself as well! We are worth it! You are worth it!

[Nina2016]

I recently came across a Dr. Ramani on YouTube who helped me understand that I was emotionally abused she explained the dynamics and after 20 years of trying to digest the dysfunction of my family and the role I played which was the one that was dumped on i.e. the scapegoat I’m really beginning to grasp on a deeper level that just because they don’t care or don’t prefer me or don’t like me or didn’t love me it has nothing absolutely nothing to do with meI remember when I was Emma a teenage years I made a cognitive decision to hate myself because I felt my family did from that point on I was diagnosed as depressed and I went on to abuse drugs and alcohol treat myself badly subject myself to poor relationships etc.

I’ve done much therapy through the years and it’s taken a lot of work but it’s worth working for do you understand that your family or those that are around you that do not give you respect and love appreciation and are not there for you do so not because of who you are or because of who they are it’s incredibly hard not to take it personal I think Dr. Ramani does a good job of helping me understand that and how to do that and whether or not to keep those people in my life and if I choose to do so how to do so with safe boundaries I’m putting a link in here in case you’d like to check her out

[Nina2016]

youtu.be/nIp3SEtoQvU(Not working as expected?)