Why am I like this ?

Why am i not getting better. I should have known a lot of things I need to change myself by now like meditation, keeping a positive mindset, exercise, but I just don't do them. I'm also sick of everything being a repetition of patterns I've gone through. Every failure, every mistake, feelings, even happiness that eventually ends in mistakes and back to happiness again and so on, everything is repeating itself over and over. I've told myself repeatedly that I am the one that needs to initiate the change but ends up blaming myself whenever I fail to (which is every time pretty much).

Do I really want to change ? I don't even know at this point. From what I know, if you really want to change something, you will do it no matter what. But it's been so long and it hasn't happened. I even wonder why I'm bothered by this so much that I can't handle it. Sorry if this doesn't make much sense. Becoming better at communicating is also something that I (maybe) want to do but I seem to only get worse at it as time goes by.

[Agora1]

Hi Granday and Welcome...

Your post said everything I would have told you but even with a little more positivity

and sugar on it. Deep down we all know what is needed in our lives to feel and do better,

but somehow the ease of staying put over rides us. It's become a habit in saying I want

things to change. Some of us who are afraid of change, perhaps just want to stay where

they know what to expect each day.

However, not knowing what may happen with change is part of the healing process and

for the better.

If things aren't working out as it stands now, only we can take that first step forward.

We can advise you as to what to do but unless you put that one foot in front of the

other, it's not going to happen.

Let me tell you that for myself, taking that step lead to other steps and lead me to

a happier existence. Life is Good, once we find that Pot of Gold at the end of the

Rainbow xx

[Coffeeshop]

Hi. This makes complete sense to me. I feel much the way you do (except for the happiness part). My wife keeps telling me I don't want to get better bc I do nothing to help myself. Are you in therapy? Meds? Feel free to PM me if you want to talk more.

[Hidden]

I understand I am in the same position. Guilt Fear and Shame are making md paralyzed I won't get out if bed or shower or look am myself. I took small steps and did not feel good.

[Hidden]

Wow, I can totally relate to what you wrote. I'm 61 and feel like I should have known about the correct way to breathe (into the belly) but I just learned it last week. All my life I've been shallow breathing into my chest. No wonder I'm always anxious! I've never been a relaxed person, always been anxious. I don't even know if I can learn to relax and meditate and at this point, I don't know if I even want to bother. I'm tired of the battle in this life and the world is getting crazier and more evil every day. Gosh, I sure do with we could all meet in person somewhere and have a group hug.

[CalmSeeker1]

Hello Granday - I hear your frustration. I don't know what your diagnosis is, but I have bipolar 2 and GAD. A really difficult thing for me to accept is these are lifelong conditions that can be managed but not cured which means they will "flare" up. I will have episodes throughout my life and at this point I don't think I have any control over them. I try to focus on what I do have control over which is my actions. Some days I do really well implementing my wellness strategies. Other days I just can't. I am trying to accept this and be kind to myself regardless of where I am each day. We are harder on ourselves than anyone else can be. Offering ourselves the grace and compassion we would give a loved one is so important.