I had to have major surgery two weeks ago, and apparently I almost coded on the table. I don't remember much, bits of darkness but that's all.
During my recovery time my body stopped taking in oxygen several times and my O2 stats got low. But because when I was breathing I was constantly screaming in pain (the nurse actually says it was when I was silent she knew to come check on me before the alarms went off, it was that frequently), the staff kept giving more and more meds before they found out the cause of my distress.
When they found out my bladder stopped working and gave me a catheter, a lot of the pain went away. But then all the meds and remaining effects of the anesthesia hit my body all at once and since I wasn't in so much pain I had no more energy to do anything.
I remember feeling myself slip away life I was slowly drifting down and away. This total darkness engulfed me and my body felt free and light. No pain, no weight. My mind and heart were finally free of pain, worry, anxiety and fear. It was so warm and comforting. It was like I was being welcomed into peace and happiness. And I wanted to go further in and find more comfort and peace.
It felt like only a few seconds, but I guess it was long enough for my nurse to have her hand on the code blue button by my bed. I'm not sure how she got me conscious again but I could suddenly see the room. I still had no pain, no desire to breathe but the nurse made me look at her and the monitor next to her has O2 in the low 70's and my heart rate dropped to low 40's. Part of me knew if I didn't fight I could very well code out and even die.
I'm a parent of two young children with special needs, and yet I hesitated. I have a husband I love, but I often wonder if they are better off without me. And he was this opportunity, I had no pain and no desire to breathe in, I could have just let eyes close and go deeper. Another few seconds and I probably would have flat lined and the possibility of not coming back was real. But still I hesitated.
Once my eyes were open the nurse kept urging me to breathe and and she's shaking my arm. Finally, I breathe in and all the pain hits me all at once, from head to toe. And I, for a a moment....I regretted it.
Once the nurse was satisfied that I was breathing again, she g a chair and stayed by my bed too keep me breathing, as I stopped a few more times before enough need would wear off enough that I heard the alarms going off and would look to see what was wrong and breathing on my own - though my body had no desire to yet, on it's own.
I feel like I really only got very close to dieing once. It was so much more peaceful than I thought it could be. And I can't stop thinking about it. And part of me wants so much to go back. I'm in a lot of pain and I'm having post op complications. I have a very stressful life..
It's not that I'm suicidal at this point in time, but I miss that security, that peace. I've never felt more safe and warm in my entire life, than I did in that moment.
That's what I can't stop thinking about, that's what I miss.
And that fact that I do miss it, makes me wonder if there's something wrong with me? Did I suffer any brain damage from it? I don't think I was completely out of O2 if the machine said it was still in the 70's..
Was it all just an illusion? Am I insane? Why can't I stop thinking about it..
xx
Feeling embarrassed and ashamed
No well to live 
Shutting it off
