When even your therapist doesn't 'get' you.

[Jules13]

Hi there,

I've recently started seeing a therapist, who is a phschotherapist. And the reason I thought I needed to see someone is because I have been getting increasingly angry with everyone around me. Either I'm angry or I'm crying... no middle ground it seems.

I little background, and I promise I will be brief, is that I am 53, single, no kids, no partner, no pets, and I live alone! That's depressing even writing that! I lost my job a year ago and began writing a novel, which had been incredible and I love every minute but it has also made me even more isolated than before. Being alone I have become used to over the years (and I do enjoy my own company), but having a compromised immune system during a global pandemic means I HAD to be alone and have had to isolate for the last two years. Then I got used to being alone, I was afraid of catching COVID every time I left the house, so I tended to stay in. I refused to go into people's homes, and wouldn't let them come into mine, but I would meet people for walks and that was fine.

When the anxiety and depression began to affect my day to day life, i.e. scheduling every hour of the day, being an utter control freak, and not wanting to talk to or see anyone, I realised I needed help. I spoke to my doctor first, who, guess what, gave me antidepressants. I told him I need to speak to someone rather than pop pills and I was put on a waiting list to see someone, but after 4 months, I decided to go private.

I have been very open about my depression and anxiety with my friends and family and have been completely shocked at how unempathetic they are. It's a massive deal to tell people you are vulnerable and to have no sympathy has made it worse. Now I don't want to tell anyone. My parents are in their 80's and seem to be embarrasssed that I am 'mentally ill' and would rather brush it under the carpet, and my friends don't seem to know what to say, are all awkward, so instead of asking me how I am or checking in on me from time to time, they've gone silent.

And here we are. I've had two sessions with the therapist, which I know is not much to judge her on, but I am pissed off already. I wanted someone to challenge me, to ask questions, not ask the same bog standard questions. And I'm not in control you see, so when she does something I don't think is 'right', I get annoyed.

Last week she gave me a set of Russian dolls and I had to stop myself from rolling my eyes. She told me to describe myself as I took the doll apart - she might as well have given me an onion. She wanted me to describe my layers and get to the core, and I wanted to shout at her for being so cliché. Because I know myself, I'm just struggling to understand why no one else understands me. She told me my homework this week was to be kind to myself, but for me to be kind, means not speaking or seeing anyone that could possibly hurt me so it means I've been even more isolated. Arghh. She also writes nothing down and calls herself an 'active listener' which means I feel I have to constantly re-cap for her.

I feel like sacking her but I guess I need to tell her how she's making me feel instead, right?

Juliet x

[Roxylox]

I pretty much understand what you mean. My problems also lie in others not understanding me. Like you, l know myself.

I haven't been to a therapist but do attend a mental health based creative writing group.

The host often tries to get us to write about core feelings, which isn't really what l'm after. The meetings can be fun otherwise though and are free.

Don't know if yours are free or not, but I know l would be both annoyed and a little freaked out by the Russian doll thing.

I suppose your first step would br to speak to her, and if that doesn't help, then sack her.

[Jules13 in reply to Roxylox]

Haha, we're brutal aren't we?

[Darklight_465 in reply to Jules13]

Its ok to fire your therapist if she not working. Move on from her she there to help you your paying her to help you. so dont feel bad

[Jules13 in reply to Darklight_465]

That's true but I'm so damn polite even when I'm cross!

[Darklight_465 in reply to Jules13]

mmm..... or tell her she not working for you and you are deciding to move on that would be being polite

[Jules13 in reply to Darklight_465]

Well, I've told her. Yesterday afternoon at our session. I was honest about everything. Quite unedited. And she politely sat and listened for about twenty minutes, and then I thought she would sack me as her client but instead she said how proud she was of me for being brave enough to show my anger and be able to vocalise my frustrations. She admired my honestly and said we could now move move forward and if she ever annoyed me again, I should say something at the time. Haha. So it was a kind of breakthrough actually.

But it made me think... I spend so much time analysing what I should have done and should have said in situations, thoughts spirallinga around my head that I should have been more honest with people, so maybe it's a sign. I be honest with everyone, at the time, when it happens, not store it away in my resntful box! Hmm. x

[Darklight_465 in reply to Jules13]

hey at least you learn something valuable

[Jules13 in reply to Darklight_465]

exactly... although it's now completely backfired on me. I was thinking about taking my 'honesty' more into my real life and was talking to my sister about it. She was talking about her son not visiting and was really upset that her son and his girlfriend had no time for her. So what did I do? I wrote to my nephew and suggested he try and make time to see his mum more. I was trying to be helful, trying to give him a nudge, it wasn't mean, it wasn't critical. But then the girlfriend reads the message and calls my sister up, saying I was interfering, saying I had no place to tell anyone what to do!!! Argghhhhhhhhh. Now my nephew and his girlfriend arent talking to me, and neither is my sister, because she thinks I have betrayed her trust.

[Darklight_465 in reply to Jules13]

your heart was in the right place. You were just trying to help think the best here would be to apologize

[Jules13 in reply to Darklight_465]

Done it. It's fine it's just I always think my 'helping' is a small gesture, and then it turns into a massive deal. Drives me nuts.

[beansandpeas]

Hi Jules13,I read your post and felt a need to respond. When you are going through some really tough times and are so shut off and alone, it would help if at least one or two people in your universe were sympathetic or empathic, right?

For years I've been shut off like you with no friends or family who supported me through my anxiety and depression (which was further exasperated by a shopping/hoarding addiction which was threatening my marriage). It was so bad I couldn't even admit to myself how bad it was. While having the good fortune to find a doctor to work on the right meds for me, there is nothing like good "talk therapy".

Well recently, I found a new therapist and in our initial "phone consult", I shared my issues to establish if she had experience in this area and may be capable of working with me...I mean, no sense hiring a therapist who lacks experience or success with your types of issues, right?

Before we ended that initial call, she asked me what I needed and expected from her, which surprised me, but I was so grateful, because that gave me the opportunity to express those specific things. I could tell there was a good possibility that her approach could be good for my situation and specific needs. So, I hired her.

After a few sessions she offered to sends me a follow up email recounting what I "learned" in that session and my homework for the next time we meet.

Where this is all going is that I truly hope the you find a path to getting better and to get out from under the weight of "your stuff" as they say. And if you do decide to sack your current therapist, make sure the next one has experience with the types of issues you have, will listen to your specific needs, challenge you with the hard work necessary to get better and address the work in a format that you can agree to work on together.

Feel better and good luck!

p.s. I do like Roxyfox's thoughts on a therapeutic writing group or some type of writing class (even if online). And, I am a big supporter of exercise, like walking.

[Jules13 in reply to beansandpeas]

Well, this is part of the problem. My initial assessment was with a wonderful woman who I clicked with immediately. But because she wasn't available until January she recommended her colleague, who I'm seeing now. I was disappointed but felt I could trust the initial therapist's judgement. My current therapist is a lovely woman but I find the sessions a bit 'wooly', do you know what I mean? There's no structure or direction, it's just me ranting or waffling on with no real purpose. When I asked her to give me homework, and she said 'be kind to yourself' I thought, wtf. That's not homework.

And as for the writing, I write 6-8 hours a day. And even though it is fiction, according to my first therapist (the one I clicked with) my novel is a sort of cathartic rebirth. Haha. I didn't get what she meant at all but then I realised what she meant.

My novel is about a lonely woman in her fifties who meets a young man during a free hug session in central London. They become best friends even though there is a 30 year age gap, and it brings her out of herself. She starts to live again through the adventures with him. She finds love, friendship, and she starts to find beauty again.

The therapist said I am fictionalising my own story and creating the happy ending I so desire. Hmm. So, the writing is the most rewarding thing I'm doing. And I'm sure when I read it back in ten years from now, I will see myself a lot more clearly.

[Opportunity]

I LOVED reading your post. Oh my goodness. The descriptions…. lol. You definitely have writing talent and I’m so glad you’re writing a novel! ❤️ I totally get the feeling of “WTF” in therapy. One time, I had to describe a dream - and act it out. So awkward and uncomfortable.

I had written more but thought better of it and deleted it. I hope you feel better soon. Truly.

[Jules13 in reply to Opportunity]

Haha, that made me laugh. I once saw a Jungian therpist who was obsessed with dreams too. I told her I dreamed of a horse who's teeth had fallen out and she just stared at me and then quickly scribbled in her notebook. She said nothing else about it but for the next few sessions she looked terrified, ha.

[samack in reply to Jules13]

She probably dreamed she was the horse, hence she was spooked.

[Jules13 in reply to samack]

Hahaaaaaa x

[samack]

I so relate to what you are saying. I am so angry that I'm so depressed and so alone. I'm isolated because I don't have a way to fit into the outer world. I have a trauma therapist going upon 6 months I don't see any changes or moving forward. I'm just so stuck. My therapists seem to think I can do my errands or sit on a park bench and make friends. That bothers me like the Russian dolls do. I think in your case she attempted that clumsy exercise way too soon. I think my therapistunderstands my core well and she finds it hard to find something that Impacts its rigidity. You must feel comfortable with your therapist or skidoodle out of there. Sorry, I tend to always get started with myself as posts trigger my thoughts. Good luck with your sear h.

[Jules13 in reply to samack]

No, not at all, you have to write about yourself so I can understand how you relate to my issue. And the idea of your therapist suggesting you make friends by just loitering in parks is what gets some people arrested! Haha! I get it.

What's so strange about her suggesting that, is that she's totally missing the point. I don't know why you are where you are, or why you haven't got friends, but all I know is that when my depression hit, I didn't feel I could mix with my (old) friends anymore. I can't keep explaining to these people why I'm not myself, why I don't want to go out, why I have to make excuses all the time for feeling unhappy. I am so fed up of trying to justify how I feel to my friends and family, so now I don't. For me, it's easier being alone, because I don't have to tell myself how I am or if I'm having a bad day. I'm comfortable with my depression, do you see what I mean? That doesn't mean I don't want to change, it just means, right now, I don't want to be around people that don't understand my situation.

I came to the realisation yesterday, while I was talking to a complete stranger while feeding ducks during a walk, that I would be happier in a roomful of strangers than people I actually know. With strangers, I can be myself, I don't have to be the person my family or friends 'expect' me to be.

But that's not solving anything is it?

[samack]

I had a fancy trauma therapist who had a huge office filled with art. I felt so comforted by the homelike feel. I had to take off my shoes upon entering so as not to muss with her floor. We met for a few months while during talk therapy, she rrtraumatized me. Over and over again with my pain. At least her sofa was velvety so my ass was at ease.

Another told me to make friends with the teenagers who were helpful to me at PetCo. I should bake cookies and befriend them. SAY WHAT? I'm in my 60s, albeit my emotional level is 15, wtf?

She was obsessed with a plant based diet, that regular Jane me, couldn't follow. Did you try the macrobiotic mushrooms ? No, I'm depressed so I ate the Ding Dongs. Is chocolate a plant?

So I'm weary. And wary. The one I have now understands my core dilemma, but as I'm not moving I fear I am untreatable. Shes gotten more loopy with her suggestions in trying to figure out what to do with me. While it's possible to meet someone at the produce department, we're likely to talk about eggplant. Not that interesting, and again with the plants.

Your story sounds great. Just put me in there as a friend who is involved with an older man. Say 30.

?

[Jules13 in reply to samack]

Haha... you can definitely go in my novel. xx

Well, interestingly I am just back from my therapy session and I spent the first half an hour explaining why I was angry with her and disappointed with the techniques. She sat there and listened and then she told me how glad she was that I felt I could tell her all of it. Bizarrelt it was a nit of a breakthrough. So, I guess telling your therapist the problems you have with them might be the right idea. We ended the session much closer and I now feel she understands me better. So I would say tell it how it is. Tell the therapist you're frustrated it's going nowhere, tell her you're pissed off with her suggestions. Spit it out. I tell you, it felt good. She could easily have turned around and said, 'Let's call it a day then' but if a therpist really wants to see the real you and really wants to help you then they can deal with a bit of criticism themselves xx

[Kam360]

Hey Juliet, let's just remember here that you are the one paying......if you're not happy.....get shot. There are plenty of psychologists around and it's actually like finding the right antidepressants, some don't suit and some do... it's trial and error. I see a therapist and I feel a bit the same as you, she doesn't say much, but she does do a lot of writing. She has let me drive my treatment. though I would love it if she gave more reassurance. I have been a depressive for almost 35years. It's tiring, and I hate that the pandemic has only made things worse. People are suffering, as a result so, there will be more people who want what we do.....god help them😏

[Jules13 in reply to Kam360]

I actually updated above... all sorted out now x

[Kam360 in reply to Jules13]

👍