How can you get your grown children t... - Anxiety and Depre...

Anxiety and Depression Support

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How can you get your grown children to understand that you need support instead of constant belittling, bashing and shaming

Stuck1963
Stuck1963

My children are so cruel, they say they won't talk to me until I'm normal. First they said they won't talk to me until I get help... I've been doing that for 4 years. My problems have gotten much worse over the last two years because of the situation I've allowed with my parents and the manipulation and abuse from them.

I have no one to talk to and don't see any other humans besides my therapist and caseworker every two weeks.... I can't leave the house hardly ever and have no support network. I've begged my daughter to just have coffee with me or go see a movie but she says no not until I'm normal. I used to make a lot of money and take her shopping and give her everything she ever asked for and still owe $50000 on parent loan for her college which she didn't finish.

I even use my food stamps and buy her groceries if I think she needs them and do without to help her

12 Replies
oldestnewest

Hi I am sorry you are going through so much. This is what I think though. You have allowed your family both parents and kids to walk all over you and treat you like a doormat, and now they are wiping their shoes on you.

What you need to do is look to your own needs and put yourself first. It doesn't mean you are no longer a nice person, but just that you have shown them that they need to start treating you with a bit of respect. People will take us at our own valuation of ourselves and if you think little of yourself then they will too.

If you do have contact with your family I would also stop talking about your issues as it's clear they don't understand and don't want to, so why continue bashing your head against a brick wall. I bet if you didn't contact your kids they would! x

b1b1b1
b1b1b1 in reply to hypercat54

Hypercat says it all. I would just add one specific. Do not buy your daughter any groceries, or spend any money on your parents or children.

I feel your pain. My children don’t respect me very much. They upset me this morning just because I made them walk to school. I also do what I can to make them happy but it seems like they don’t appreciate it. My mum says it’s my fault as I haven’t stood up for myself and always give into them. I suffer with depression and anxiety so I find it hard to be strong. Hopefully we can both do what’s right for us for a change xxx

hypercat54
hypercat54 in reply to Tulip1977

I must say I agree with your mum. Children actually like rules and boundaries as it makes them feel safe and they know exactly where they stand. Letting them walk all over you will produce adults with problems as they will expect others to let them do the same.

Look at at as giving your children what they need as compared to what they want. You want to produce children who can take their place as adults with as few issues as possible. You are teaching your children the wrong message so think of that instead of it a case of you having to be 'strong'. x

Hi, I'm going to recommend this book! amazon.com/Sheeps-Clothing-...

I don't want to imply that your kids fit the bill (manipulative people that is). It does sound like your parents might, though. But the info in this book can be helpful with regards to your relationship with your kids, too, and understanding yourself better. Not only does Dr. Simon explain very clearly the behaviors common to the more aggressive personalities, he also describes the spectrum- and on the opposite end of that spectrum are the more neurotic personalities. Anxious people tend to be on the neurotic end of this spectrum. And there's LOTS we can do about those behaviors we have that get us into the difficult situations and difficult relationships we find ourselves in :)

Gosh! I so understand what is happening with you. I have 3 adult kids and am fortunate that 2 of 3 are super supportive, nurturing and there for me through my rough times. My oldest does not get me at all and turns "victim" but I do think there's hope there and so I consider that a work in progress. What I have discovered in my journey with PTSD (from child sexual abuse) is that there is a cycle, often so embedded, that you can't recognize, let alone, figure out how to break from it. If your children have been exposed to the very people that abuse you, they too are being abused. Them observing behaviors that somehow justify your abusers' actions and being manipulated by these people to look down on you does not help either. Early in my life, I broke away from my family, knowing that I could no longer take the emotional/mental torture I was going through. Not to mention, I needed to protect my kids from the atrocities they had committed against me, even though at that time I had no full memory of them. It is now 22 years since I moved away and even just this past week, I am still dealing with levels of toxicity you could not imagine. Most likely compounded by the fact that 3 years ago, I completely stopped communication with most of my siblings, including their access to the social media accounts of me and my kids. A proven fact is that even after such a long time, nothing got better with them. It actually seemed to get worse because the less I exposed myself, the more desperate they became in trying to connect with me. In the end, disassociating is the first and most important step to helping yourself. You do not owe anyone anything but YOU. My advice: Break up with your abusers and forge forward alone, if you have to. **Much peace and happiness to you**

I have to add something else Stuck1963, you aren't alone in the hermit-like, isolation factor. I think its a natural tendency for sufferers like us. I am an introverted, remote worker with no daily exposure to anyone except my kids because I actually don't really like randomly mingling with people too much. Perhaps you could look for something that requires solo participation like walking or some other exercise? Not only will that keep you busy, it will also raise serotonin levels and help with depression. My outlet is my 11 year old chihuahua. I would choose him over humans any day!

Thank you so much for each and every thought, comment and suggestion! You have no idea as isolated as I have been, what it means to me. I have stopped caring for my mother for a few weeks and I have decided not to contact my children and wait for them to come to me.

I wish that I could find a job to do from home for a little while until I can get back on my feet and not lose my home. I don't have any electricity or water but I do have a roof over my head for now.

I do go outside at night and look at the stars and during the day in the back yard and sit there in peace. It's the only peace I have is when I am outside in nature.

I have contemplated suicide many times and I don't know how I am still here. I just pray for any relief or healing and to someday be free

Nadia_FL
Nadia_FL in reply to Stuck1963

In my lowest moments, I started learning about the power or positive thinking and how to use gratitude to enlighten my life. Research LOA...law of attraction...it worked for me.

newbie1956
newbie1956 in reply to Stuck1963

Stuck1963,

My heart aches for you, dear lady, and my guess is you were born in 1963, like my youngest son. Of course that's not important, but I'm still learning much at my age.

First of all, I appreciate that you can still find a measure of joy and peace in nature. The moon and stars have a calming effect on me as well. Such beauty cannot be denied. There are many wonderful works of creation.

I'm inspired by your ability to find deeper meaning in the things created. Some look to the stars, but not the Creator of them.

Many take such awesomeness for granted but you seem to view them as they truly are, a gift from our Creator. He is universal...

By considering our Heavenly Father, we are never really alone.

I care about you and so does He. I want to share just one scripture which has comforted me...

‘For I myself well know the thoughts that I am thinking toward YOU,’ is the utterance of Jehovah, ‘thoughts of peace, and not of calamity, to give YOU a future and a hope.' (Jeremiah 29:11)

Yes, He is the One we can depend on.

Please let us know how you are feeling. Sincerely, Carol

I know what you're going through...I'm so sorry. Perhaps you can get them into counseling with you?

Really you should not be using your grocery stamps on her.

With regards to not supporting you, may I play devils advocate here. It may well be that supporting you (or when she tried earlier) was negatively effecting her mental health.

Unfortunately I was born with Manet life threatening health conditions and truth be told me mum could not and still can not cope with them. Last year on the eve of my open heart surgery- rather than support me, my mum truented and got drunk. This is very typical of her behaviour wrt my health problems.

The distance due to lack of care from my mum has caused me to have mental health issues- and honestly I have turned and similar to you daughter said if she does not sort them out I can not stick around. [I think refusing a coffee as too far- I still speak and visit my mum every 4-6 weeks but I really have put a distance in the relationship].

Try to let go of the anguish at her apparent lack of support- the reason for this could be complicated and a way of protecting her own health, And truthfully being angry is not going to help your mood.

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