Cheating husband sends my depression into dark places

[Bartsmum55]

Hi everyone am new here . Recently I discovered my husband of 27 years is addicted to porn which has left me deverstated. I struggled with depression and anxiety for many years an he was always a good man taking care of me an our 4 kids . Now am deeply hurt which has sent my depression in to dark places . I feel like he has been cheating on me all our life together. Men don’t see porn as cheating , i feel it is cheating get thrills from looking at other young women an playing with themselves instead of having real sex with the wife . Do I forgive him an take him back ? Am totally shattered and heartbroken by this x

[Hidden]

Get a real old pro counselor

Ur hurt is real

Maybe he can’t ask u if he’s a good god husband

Complicated

Try not to be hurt by his actions. As may bd lots of reasons

U guitar need really good patient couples counselor

Easy for me to say I realize that

May or maybe not have anything to do with u

[JoannaSummer]

You already answered it yourself. You say men don't see porn as cheating, then he isn't cheating and to be honest, he isn't. He could walk down the street, go to a bar, see a woman while at work and fantasize about them and play with himself over them. It is no different to porn !

Maybe watch porn together and have sex, be more adventurous in bed or maybe just let him watch porn, maybe watch it yourself it's no big deal no be honest!

[Bartsmum55 in reply to JoannaSummer]

Thing is we are adventurous in bed I love sex as much as he does . Not afraid to try anything out in my he bedroom for him . I beg to differ watching porn is worse than looking at a woman fully clothed it is a form of cheating specially when u find out ur husband has been doin this all the years you have been together. He had a secret life . When u make vows in marriage ur signing up to spend the rest of ur life together, and not looking at other women naked you should only be looking at ur wife and Being turned on by her . Some men are never happy with what they have at home . Am a attractive blonde woman who loves to please her husband but he still needs porn . Porn is not real a marriage and. Real sex is !

[JoannaSummer in reply to Bartsmum55]

I don't agree with that unfortunately. Many women go to make stripper's and also check men out. Porn may not be a " woman's " thing but don't try and tell me that women don't fantasize about other men because that would be a complete lie.

You say you've been married 27 years, so that's early 90's. How do you know he has been looking at porn all that time and if you knew then and it upset you so much and made you feel insecure, why did you carry on being with him ?

[Bartsmum55 in reply to JoannaSummer]

Of cause I didn’t know when I met him he kept this dirty secret to himself all the time we been together. I was only 21 when I met him since I gave him 4 beautiful children , built a home and I thought a loving caring marriage an a good sex life . It wasn’t me who went off sex it was him! Because I mentioned he wasn’t ejaculating . He shut me down saying he didn’t know why . That’s when he stopped having sex for many months . His sorry arse is now begging me to take him back and he’s promised he will never watch porn again . Am not stupid I know most men watch porn . Bu to get addicted an use porn instead of the real thing with ur wife then that’s a problem. It makes a women feel so humiliated and useless as a wife like I ain’t pleasing my man . When infact I will try most things an positions in bed . Some men just don’t appreciate what they have at home I guess

[JoannaSummer in reply to Bartsmum55]

Did you ever actually ask him why he didn't want you anymore ?

[Bartsmum55 in reply to JoannaSummer]

Yes I asked him he sed it’s nothing to do with me . I eventually got it out of him he’s been doin this since age 15 that’s 40 years . I can’t get my head around it to tell u the truth am just deverstated

[AnxiousCanadianChic]

Well I know a lot of men are addicted to porn these days. I dated someone who was and I was more than ready to have sex but he couldn’t keep it up because he was used to using his hands and watching porn. I don’t think you should always have to watch porn with him and then have sex. I broke up with that bf as he tried to get away from porn and self pleasing but he just couldn’t.

Maybe if he can’t stay away from it on his own, you guys could see a therapist? It’s not cheating IMO but it’s obviously a problem.. Anyone out there acting like it’s no biggie, just think about if your significant other didn’t want to be intimate with you because they preferred porn and self pleasuring.. how would you feel?

[Bartsmum55 in reply to AnxiousCanadianChic]

Exactly I always had a high sex drive as he did. . We have amazing sex and I will try things out to please him . There have been periods in the past when he hasn’t wanted sex for months . I asked him an he would just say he’s tired . So he has been putting porn an self pleasing instead of having real exciting sex with his wife . It’s all the years not knowing he was doin this behind my back that hurts the most .I feel it’s a problem watching porn when men get addicted to it an need it everyday . Why choose to play with themselves instead of having pleasureable loving sex with there partner ? Well he reckons he hasn’t watched for 2 weeks now and r sex life has improved 💯. I still feel we need councilling

[AnxiousCanadianChic in reply to Bartsmum55]

Yeah some people don’t believe that people can get addicted to porn but they sure do and it causes major issues in relationships. I don’t understand it either how someone would rather porn over the real thing. Then guys(and I’m sure some women too) think everything they see in porn is “real” and what most couples actually do when in fact it’s not. NO, women do NOT invite the pizza guy in for sex, NO most women don’t randomly surprise their partner with threesomes with their friends, NO, most people aren’t having sex with their stepdad or step brother/sister etc.

[Adlon57]

I am almost proud that I watch porn on internet, I have schwannomas on my prostrate, I need to masturbate to keep 'it' working at all, my bladder has gone to hell, if a person 'sat' upon me, my chest would shatter like a cracked egg, I can look at a lovely girl, but I KNOW am only fooling myself, I have NEVER slept with a woman, I know at aged 65 I NEVER will, disabled ALL my life, my sex life is and always has been an illusion! F##K I am lonely!🥴🥴

[Arkus]

I understand how you feel. I'd be the same. It's hurtful to feel your husband can't be happy with you only. Many men have high libido and view women like a good steak dinner. Enjoy and move on! Porn is destructive and on a downward hill, so eventually, regular relationships can become a problem. Sex should be part of an expression of love. I don't know if I'd settle for an addicted husband if it ate away at my confidence and happiness. Taking control of the situation will help your depression, so do what you must i.e. counseling etc.

[Bartsmum55 in reply to Arkus]

Thank u so much I do believe he stopped having sex as much with me when I mentioned he can never finish .But he used to just shut me off . He always had a problem taking time to ejaculate this meant he could keep goin for a long time . Which I enjoyed , it was only last few years I mentioned it to him I think this is when he decided it was easier to play with himself an watch porn . So he didn’t have to talk about it .

[Arkus in reply to Bartsmum55]

Some counseling and therapy may help. I was told by a doctor that problems with sex only get worse if you don't figure things out.

[Bartsmum55 in reply to Arkus]

Yes I believe they do , sex is a very powerful thing . And when trust is broken that certainly puts a daint in the relationship. I do love him so so much and have had sex with him many times since this has happened. But afterwards I regret it . I couldn’t even imagine myself looking at another man never mind sleeping with one after all the years I’ve spent with him . He does have his good points he tells me everyday how much he loves me and how beautiful I am . He will do anything for me . People around me say what a wonderful husband I have . But now I feel our wonderful life is shattered into tiny pieces . My heart is in Bits through this betrayal x

[Arkus in reply to Bartsmum55]

I am so sorry for you. If you both love each other that is a good place to start. I hope he knows how much you are hurt by this.

[Bartsmum55 in reply to Arkus]

Yes he says the thought of loosing me and the kids has made him wake up an give the porn up . Am really hoping we can work things out . I just have to get past this hurt an dishonesty xx

[rolinox]

I understand that this may be hurtful, but watching porn is okay unless he looks at minors.

[Bartsmum55 in reply to rolinox]

But it’s no oki when you prefer porn to ur wife . And make ur wife feel so low and rip all her self esteem away from her . A happily married man whose wife gives him everything he needs should not need to watch porn !

[rolinox in reply to Bartsmum55]

I think people should discuss this at the beginning of the relationship to avoid such conflicts. Personally, I don't care if my partner watches porn.

[Bartsmum55]

Idiot

[Cb1963]

I agree with you with you, especially if he's got what he's needs at home as so to speak, is he using the problem of not being able to ejaculate to cover up his antics, or has he got a under lying health problem?I don't think he would like you going to say you're off to have an evening watching the chippendales or male strippers every weekend, he would soon question your reasoning, perhaps in this modern world its so easy to watch, and that's how he's managed to view it so readily has made it so easy as well and it's become routine, and he unfortunately has become addicted to it, which is now a cause for concern, yes you've been let down, and by all accounts your the perfect wife, he should count his lucky stars, and needs to do some serious apologies, and he needs to sort his head out,possibly counselling, I don't know whether that involves both of you, and then do you feel like you want to be drawn into something that he's caused, but maybe the counselling is on a one to one basis, I'm unsure,so all of this can be looked into, I know you must be deeply hurt, but, hopefully you can find a way around this, and life can resume to normal service, best wishes 😇

[Bartsmum55 in reply to Cb1963]

Thank u for ur kind words I definitely think we both need counciling I do feel betrayed. I have discussed putting a porn blocker on his phone and he has agreed . I think he is really sorry and regretted his habit now he has realised he’s put our marriage at risk .

[gerrerd]

He needs your love and understanding ! not judgement. it maybe you need to look at your self in order to give him a safe place for making love.

[Bartsmum55 in reply to gerrerd]

Are u kidding I am a good wife I give him everything he needs and more . Am the one suggesting councillors to save our marriage . Am the one who is reading up on everything to help him resolve this habit . Am the one out a porn blocker on his phone to stop his urges . And still having sex with him after he has hurt me so much .. don’t think wives come more loving and understanding than that .