TRIGGER WARNING VERY DARK - DID IT -

[Starrlight]

Walked out into nature

Did it

Took some meds

Fed it

Breaking heart

Said it

My heart beats hard

and quickly

Many birds sing

In the pastures I once played in

Me without a care except to write

the first boyfriend I ever had

I know his number to this day

Anxiety and depression

They compete so I will not sleep

No they never do leap for me

Yet I still want to fly and dive into my dreams

But I pay attention to the screams

So I will not sleep nor will I swim

I sink I sink again and again

I decide to get out tugging on angels wings

The cool air cleanses my mind for now

I will do it one day

And one day they’ll say

She really did it

And why they’ll want to know

Because my heart beats hard

And quickly

Anxiety and depression compete

So I can not really sleep

But definitely the biggest clue

Is that I knew I would never get out of it

My mind

The creatures climbing around in it

So I drew them

Or I quit drawing

Either way

There they are

Inside my mind out in out in

Torturing from a place that tempts me

And forces me to hate myself

Until they are strong and I become weak

And if I can only remember the pastures fleeting

Then allowing A little Freedom run through me leave run through leave

And over grapevines soon

To the wolves howling

Protecting gently

Pleading for me to stay free

If only I could have stayed there running

Like the blood in my veins pump pump pump pump

But i left a lost body dead

And all the way home I didn’t cry

I stand holding a sharp axe now

chopping the door down

I look at the writing of me

Writing of a child

It haunts me that it is me

How would I have known

It makes me feel so left behind

This path I follow needs to end

Then as I defend those with me

That’s when

I drew from again

Drewfrom my mind

The colors which leapt and escaped and showed me the way out at last.

[Hope4me1]

Very expressive and with strong feelings. I feel a lot of that pain, too.

[Starrlight in reply to Hope4me1]

Thanks for being here with me. I’m sorry you are suffering as well. I’m having a terrible time right now. Do you feel the pain most of the time? What type of pain do you feel the most? Sorry don’t answer unless you want, just curious

[Hope4me1 in reply to Starrlight]

That’s what we need; support from friends who know what we’re going through. Encouragement when we need it and share in each other’s joys, too.

[Starrlight in reply to Hope4me1]

Yeah. Positivity is what I need to practice now. I’m in a weird place yes I’m reaching out yet feeling so alone far from my family friends, I just feel to myself.

[Hope4me1]

It’s a journey to wellness. Sometimes the road is bumpy. I know how you feel, though. I am very isolated and have few friends. My family have their own lives and own opinions. This time of year is hard. Less sunlight and a climate of unrest all around us. I am using the app Insight Timer to meditate and learn to ground myself. Just beginning but does help.

[Starrlight in reply to Hope4me1]

Yeah I hear ya! I love grounding myself- I take off my shoes and walk in the grass and I really do need to get back to meditation.

[c-mac in reply to Hope4me1]

Gonna check out insight timer

[Hope4me1 in reply to c-mac]

You will enjoy it!!

[c-mac in reply to Hope4me1]

I've been using the waking up app for the past 6 or 9 months, and it's been really helpful. Especially it's helped me to get through anxious moments.

[Hope4me1 in reply to c-mac]

Never heard of that one. Sounds helpful.

[c-mac]

Wonderful. I just woke from dreaming about my first girlfriend, dreaming "it was all a manic mistake breaking up. Let's pick it up again."

[Starrlight in reply to c-mac]

Hi c-Mac!!! Good morning 😃☀️🌞 Oh wow what a dream! Do you think there is truth to it? Well I love dreams and trying to figure them out. My first boyfriend actually scared me because I was super young snd the second time I met up with him he wore a shirt saying ‘kill them all’ on it. It was a Metallica shirt I believe haha!!!!!

[Starrlight]

It’s just my thoughts and feelings I put down yesterday... felt so sad it was good to let it flow out you know? Hi, btw how are you?

[Starrlight]

What!? Why would you have offended me? If anything it was a a compliment. Oh my sending positive vibes your way(((((((( let me know how the results are if you want?

[Starrlight]

Awww 🥰 oh thank you I hope so I love it when I see others open up and I love to open up as well when I can it’s not always easy

[Imaaan]

Putting your swirling thoughts down concretely is needed sometimes as a release. Your words definitely evoke images and awaken emotions. I hope you're having a better day today.

[Starrlight in reply to Imaaan]

Much better thank you so! How r u?

[Imaaan in reply to Starrlight]

Glad to hear. I'm winding down from the day, thanks for asking

[Starrlight in reply to Imaaan]

Same here; just took shower and I think I’ll read or watch a movie if my kiddos allow it 😂