***Trigger Warning*** Suicidal

I'm so suicidal right now!!! I can't live like this anymore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm in so much physical and emotional pain. I can't take it!!!! I have severe anxiety, severe depression and chronic pain. They keep taking my meds away and I can't function physically. I can barely get out of bed to go pee much less do anything else!! I can't breath or have anything to help me calm down. I just want to fucking die!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have been on the same meds for over 7 yrs and they kept me stable over these yrs but now I can't have them due to the fucking dea shit!! I've never been in the hospital and follow all the fucking rules. So now I'm in excruciating pain and nothing to treat my anxiety. I don't know what to do. I'm going to lose everything I worked so hard to get in my life. Including losing my job, my home and won't be able to take care of my cats. I just want to fucking die!!!!!!!!

41 Replies

  • You sound so very distressed - can I do anything to help?

  • I just don't know what to do or where I can turn for help!

  • are you in the UK? if so, do you have a crisis team? or have you considered calling the samaritans or your doctor?

  • I'm in the US. We have a suicide line but I'm scared what would happen if I called them. My mind just won't stop and it's just about 4 AM here. So my doctor won't be on call until after 8.

  • Go to emergency room


  • Hi kat75 call your dr as soon as it hits 8!something needs to be done for you it must be torture for you!try and think positive i know its hard!help will soon be on its way!best wishes britishbulldog

  • I talked to them just awhile ago and they only feed back I got was that I had to choose between my meds. I can take one and not the other. Nothing about how I'm feeling or the pain I'm in. What do you do??

  • Tell them your feeling suicidal! GOD loves you

  • Dont be afraid to call the suicide line. I know its scary and I have been where you are. I plucked up the courage to ring the line as it was my last hope and they have been quite supportive at times. You have reached out here which means there is hope, please dont give up. Keep chatting to us here all the best.

  • Hi Kath, please call the suicide line. Or keep chatting or typing here. Maybe it will help. Hugs to you there.

  • I don't understand why are they taking away the meds? Can you go to different Dr? Why are you in pain?

  • They are taking meds away from every chronic pain patient in the US. And if you are on a pain med you can't have an anti anxiety med too. I have severe neck and should pain from a bulging disk in my neck, chronic low back pain, all over body deep body aches and stiffness from fibromyalgia. I have arthritis in my hands, my hips, my feet and my neck. I work a very physical job and it's also mentally challenging. I'm a registered nurse in a very busy critical care unit. I've never taken my anxiety med or the Flexeril at work but I do need it after some days. So now I'm not sleeping too because my pain is bad and I can't get my muscles to relax. So that increase my issues with anxiety to an unbareable level. Now no meds for that too. I'm can't live like this!!! And if I go to another doctor they consider it doctor shopping and you lose your doc and all your meds here in the states. So I still only see one way out and that's just to end things!! I don't have a life. I barely make it my two days I work 12 1/2 hr shifts. I go home and stay in bed because I have no energy and am in so much pain I can't do anything else. Then if I do something it will take days to recover from it. Just going shopping for groceries is an event that puts me in bed for days after. I barely have a small quality of life now and with no meds I won't be able to work. Which means I lose every single thing I worked hard for all of my life. I can't take it anymore!!

  • Hidden,


    "They" are not taking away pain meds and antianxiety meds away from every chronic pain patient in US . I know as I am receiving them without any difficulty. Urine tests may be required to make certain the meds aren't being sold to someone n the street, but I have seen my pain management doctor and neuropsychiatrist every month for years, long before I retired.

    Are you saying you are not receiving any medication for any of your physical condition? Has a doctor documented your arthritis, your neck and arm pain. or your anxiety?

    If not, then there is the missing piece of the puzzle.

    Is it possible a picture in your puzzle is missing? I practiced law to help injured and hurting people. What you are saying about the availability of proper meds has not been my experience. Is it possible the meds you want cannot be taken together as their chemistry exceeds the medical limit concerns for your body. My doctors watch that carefully. If you are using your employers healthcare system, there are restrictions on some medications, but that's true even in Medicare D

    There is just something missing in your email that would explain what you are saying. Twelve hour medical shifts are common, and the medical staff work fewer days a week. If you cannot meet the essential requirements of the job, the employer does not have to make adjustments for you to keep the job. But asking for a second medical opinion regarding your body's condition and need for pain relief and ability to work with them in your body is not doctor shopping.

    If you are as ill as you appear to be, maybe it is time to look at retirement or applying for Social Security Disablity and Medicare. These two government programs are made for people too ill to work. Speaking with a Social Security attorney may be something you should consider.

    I really do appreciate your situation, and hope I have offered some things for you to think about. You don't want to die, you just want your life to be different from the pain. Your occupation is a nurse in a critical care environment, and certain anxiety and pain medications don't mix well and can dull your mental judgment and memory. I don't practice law full time for this reason.

  • I live in Indiana. I have been on Cymbalta, Ultram ER (once a day), PRN meds of Norco 7.5mg, Lorazepam 1mg, Flexeril 10mg, up to 3 times a day. I only take the Cymbalta, Ultram & Norco daily. The Flexeril before I sleep after working and Ativan only when needed. So I don't take them very often. I've been on these same meds for the last 7 yrs. I was told last month that I couldn't have a script for the Flexeril and Ativan because I was on a narcotic. Then yesterday they gave me a choice of being on Norco or the Ultram. Can't have both. So now with all of my pain and anxiety issues I can only have Norco with no meds for anxiety. I can't do this!!! All of my issues are documented. If I give up my job I lose everything I have. It takes over two yrs to get disability. How would I pay my bills and have health insurance? I would be homeless because I have no family.

    I have never taken a Flexeril or Ativan while working!! I would never endanger someone's life like that. I do take the Norco three times a day and it doesn't slow my mental capacity down. I've been on those for over 8 yrs with no dose change. My employer is aware and I have never been impaired. I have to take them in order to do the physical demand my job requires. I sit down for 5 min and can barely get out of a chair.

    I go the doc every 2 months now and do a drug test. I have never missed an appointment and never tested positive for anything else except for what I'm on. I'm on my last leg mentally right now!! I can't take this physical and emotional pain!! And I feel that there is nothing I can do about it!! I feel like I can't breath and someone is crushing my chest. I just don't know what else I can do

  • OK, The missing pieces are in your response. There have been some issues and studies about opioids and mental health medications, sleep aid rx such as ambien and their affect upon one another. My doctors have discussed those with me.

    You must have spoken with an attorney to know it may take two years to be determined disabled by Social Security. It can take that long, but a good Social Security can shorten that. You would not be eligible for Medicare health insurance until you have been disabled for two years following the date that Social Security finds you disabled.

    The issue is many people do not think they are not impaired by taking the pain med and the mental health meds together.

    I know you are very upset, and I've been in your shoes. I have dealt with chronic pain since 1984, then hit by a truck in 2000 which forced me to leave my full time practice. The difference is I had paid for a disability policy for years that got me through until Social Security began benefits.

    When I was practicing, I could not take pain killers and practice law. I had an epidural every 6 months that eased the spinal pain.

    Ok, am I correct that your main source of pain is from arthritis? You're a nurse, and know better than I what is available for pain relief from arthritis.

    You mention "they" have been doing things to your meds. Who are "They"....your health insurance, or your doctors , or your employer? Who is paying the medical bills?

    Have you been examined by a doctor who specializes in arthritis, such as a rheumatologist? Where are your most painful join

    This is getting rather long, but I think you are seeing where I'm going with this. If you have the control to have a thorough exam by a rheumatologist, he would know what the best ways to relieve the pain, including physical therapy, in addition to anti-inflammatories. If he feels you are in a crisis point pain wise, maybe there is some workers comp or other temporary medical time available to you while you follow his care.

    I would suggest you contact and hire a Social Security attorney in the meanwhile. His fee is paid if you receive benefits, but you need to get the ball rolling now while you can work. Social Security knows some people will work until they drop so you do not need to be unemployed before you start the process.

    I see you are taking several medications a psychiatrist would rx, such as cymbalta for depression. Are you seeing a psychiatrist for that prescription and your other mental health issues? If not, see if you are entitled to evaluated and be treated by one who understands he will be working with a rheumatologist.

    You are on a variety of medications, which can screw up getting help from specialists, as they will try to simplify treatment, not remove treatment. That's what I think you need. You have been on one med a long time, and may not be actually helping any more.

    You need to get the right specialist for each of your health problems....one for arthritis and one for mental health. They hopefully can ease your physical and mental pain while you are providing the proof to Social Security that you may not be able to work.

    I hope this makes sense to you. You have to take a break from your cry for help, take some deep breaths, so you can think logically where your actual help is to be found.

    Please read this carefully a few times. Let it sink in. I need to go to bed now. You're a nurse, you are trained to think logically. You can do this. If you need to PM me to re-explain anything, please do so.

    How far are you from Indianapolis or a good size town or medical school? Your choice of good specialists increases if you are within driving distance.

    You may need a specialist in fibromyalgia and a neurologist for the disc issue in your neck....I had to have surgery there.

  • And Hidden, call the crisis lines and just talk with them the way you answered me....tell them you needed just to hear another human voice to help calm you down why you try to figure out what you re going to or are able to do.

    You are not going to kill yourself on lilaclil and my watch.

    You are on a mission to get the help you need to live a better life. Stay focused. Check on whether you can see those specialists first and how much it might cost you, and a good social security attorney, who I hope you will never actually need.

  • Hidden, my apologies...have no idea that I referred to you as "Katt"

  • Please explain what each of the meds were RX for, and were RXs by the same doctor, like a general practitioner?

  • They are all from the same Dr. I take my Cymbalta for my depression and anxiety. It's supposed to help with my pain from fibromyalgia. The Ultram ER for my muscle aches, severe stiffness and joint pain. Then the Norco for the pain in my neck, shoulders lower back and hip pain due to arthritis and physical damage caused by my work. Then I only take Ativan for my break through anxiety. I could have it 3 times a day but I never took it that much. The Flexeril for severe muscle spasms and stiffness caused by my fibromyalgia and shoulder injury. My body is so tight all of the time that I get hard knots across my shoulder blades and severe headaches cause by the muscle tensions.

  • Hi you do sound in a bad situation. Are you able to work shorter shifts with perhaps more of them? That should be a lot easier. I think even the fully fit would struggle to work those long shifts! x

  • Sometimes work can be a good thing though, can be a distraction it is for me personally

  • We can't work shorter shifts. Yes I only work 3 days a week but they are not required to accommodate me.

  • Hidden, are you certain about them not being required to accommodate you in some way while you seek evaluations by some specialists? When you took this position was it on a 12 hour shift system? I'm wonderng if a specialist put you on light duty for awhile in order to see if his recommendations work to relieve pain, if the clinic would try to accommodate you? The disc issue in your neck, did that happen while you were at work.....like lifting, , a fall, lifting a patient,, etc.?

  • Sorry I referred to you as Katt, when your name is "Hidden". Or are you really two people with similar issues. If so, I hope both of you find something of use to you that I wrote.

  • lilaclil, I am so glad you are here. And in a later time zone. It's midnight here, and Katt maybe contacting you. The health systems in Indiana are different that the of UK or England. If she has decent health insurance from her employer, I think she has a good shot at having a specialist evaluate her different issues, and I hope she is not just going to one doctor or one clinic that her employer says she has to use.

    She is overwhelmed by multiple pain issues, and if several can be managed, that may be enough to make a big difference.

    Right now she is focused on opiod pain meds as that's what she knows and has bee give nfor so long and fortunately the US has finally decided that we have an opiod epidemic nation wide with many accidental deaths because patients took too many, or people acquired them through "med mills". So restrictions have become tight. She has not yet told us her age or size and that can be affecting her pain levels.

    All we can do is try, right? I'm running from 9 am until probably 6 pm tomorrow.

    and use a computer not phone......but maybe she will keep busy with work and the "mission" of finding out more about how her health care works.


  • I'm only focused on the narcotic pain meds right now because that is the only thing that has done anything for my pain. I have tried everything out there!!! I'm constantly looking for anything I can do to help me function like a human being. I live a life that I can barely get out of bed every day due to my pain!! I have no life!! I can't do the little things everyone takes for granted. Like getting up out of bed to shower, cook a meal, cleaning house or going to the grocery store. I push myself so hard to get through a day at work and I'm out for several days because I'm so exhausted!! I can't take some ibuprofen and my pain goes away. It never goes away even with my meds. If you look at what I take or know about pain meds you would see that it's a very small amount. I don't want to be on them but NOTHING ELSE WORKS!!!

    Yes, the US is going through an opioid epidemic. If you look at statistics you see that most opioid overdoses are due to drugs that obtained illegally. They go buy it off the street and overdose. Then it's all looped together and no one looks at the meds people take as prescribed. So now everyone must pay for these low life scum of the earth that take these meds to get high. I take my dose as prescribed just so I can get out of bed and function as a normal human being. I didn't ask to have fibromyalgia and for people to blow me off as an addict. I try to reach out because I'm in so much physically pain that it causes me emotional distress too. Then I get people assuming I'm just wanting an opiate. If you know any thing I haven't tried or can think of please speak up. I'm so tired of being judged too!!

  • I am so sorry Katt75 and I can't imagine how you must be feeling or the amount of pain you go through. I am not in your situation or your country so can't offer any advice. I do understand feeling suicidal though and I am giving you a very big hug. ((((((((((((((((Katt75)))))))))))))))

    I hope you find some answers and some peace from this relentless pressure. Please keep coming in and talking to us whenever you need or want to and we will do our best to help.

    Even though we are all strangers we are a family on here and we all care and help each other as much as possible. Lil xxx

  • OK, you asked if I had any thing you haven't tried, please read everything I wrote last night about getting a speciaist for each medical issue you have, Social Security, all of what I wrote. There are some suggestions that might work for you. Please go back and read through the long messages for approaches you might try.

    I have to dea with some the issues you do. Please reread some of what was written.

  • I'm so sorry its ridiculous.. Didn't they try to taper you at least ? I hope they come to there senses and you get some pain relief ....unfortunately there are some drs who've been righting scripts indiscriminately and people that need it legitimately to take the meds are having to jump through hoops...I have lower back pain and it acts up a few times a year and they would only give me five pills I had to make another appointment to get more I just wanted ten pills ...I hope you get your meds so sorry

  • They took my PRN Ativan and Flexeril away all at once. Then gave me choice yesterday between the Norco and Ultram. I could take one but not both. The Ultram is an extended release once daily and norco are 3 times daily PRN. So now what I do?

  • As long as your not taking a benzo everyday I don't know why the would take aanxiety meds away seems cruel.

    Are you on a SSRI or nssri? They can help with pain as well as depression.

  • I'm on Cymbalta too and that helps with my depression and a bit with my anxiety. But it doesn't always help. I've been on it for a very long time.

  • Maybe time for Wellbutrin ,instead of Cymbalta.

  • Please don't give up just advocate for yourself like you would for a patient..you matter..don't give up..and maybe transfer to less demanding unit with critical care experience you should have lots of options

  • Hello I hope and pray that you found the strength to fight for another day. FIRST IM TRULY SORRY THAT YOU FEEL SO TRAPPED BY THE SYSTEM.

    I AM UNSURE AS TO WHY YOUR DRS. WOULD LEAD YOU TO BELIEVE THAT YOU CAN NOT BE TREATED FOR CHRONIC PAIN AND ANXITY AT THE SAME TIME. I SURLY HAVE BOTH AND AM TREATED FOR BOTH. I TAKE METHADONE and Tylenol, along with Lyrica and Mobic for pain. I also take Nortriptilyne, Seraquil, and Effexor forvmy depression and anxiety. To me these are just as great a concern to me as my pain meds.

    Are you seen by a pain clinic? That may be the diffetence. I live in Michigan and have amazing docs with the University of MI.

  • I have not been to the pain clinic. I only take Cymbalta and Ultram ER daily. With Norco 3 times a day PRN. Since they took away my Flexeril and Ativan PRN. And now they are taking away my Ultram. I jump through every single hoop they require me to do and this is what I get.

  • I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I have 4 herniated discs in my neck, one in my low back, arthritis in my knee, bi-polar II, general anxiety disorder and severe insomnia. My doctor took me off clonazepam, but kept me on hydrocodone, gabapentin, and robaxin for pain and raised my lamictal and lexapro for bipolar and added buspar for anxiety. My pain level stayed at a chronic 6 because they won't raise my hydrocodone dose, even after 4 years of being at the same dose. I added cbd isolate and vapes which has given additional pain relief. I know how hard it is to want to keep going. To face each day knowing how much it's going to hurt, both physically and emotionally. But you need to hold onto hope. Hug your cats, realize how much they love and need you. My dogs have saved me so many times. Find a pain management doctor and a psychiatrist who will work together to help you find comfort. Consider a medical marijuana card if they won't prescribe opioids. There are options and there is hope for those of us who are punished for the many who abuse the medications we desperately need to function. I would also look for a less physically demanding job so you don't continue to do more damage to your spine. Make time to do what you love and spend time with the ones you love..human or furkid. You can get through this. Please message me if you want to talk. I'm here for you.

  • Marijuana is not a option here in Indiana (not evendors medical). I would like to try CBD oil but it can cause a positive drug test. So then I would lose all my meds and my job in the process. We are subject to random drug testing at work. And since the CBD oil can legally be sold here as long it has less than 0.03% THC in it. They drug test for all traces of the plant. So that leaves all of those possibilities out.

  • I can see how that would be a problem with your job. I get tested monthly for my meds and haven't come up positive yet, but yes, if you're tested for trace it will come up. I got permission from my doctor to be on it. I'm surprised that Indiana doesn't have medical, I thought they had it in every state.

    You may be able to get permission from your employer for isolate (No thc, just CBD powder). I have a friend who's an ICU nurse in NJ who got permission to use isolate when off duty for horrific nerve pain.

    I hope you can get some relief. Have you gone to a pain management doctor? They oversaw my care for the first 3 years in Florida.

  • Please please do not hurt yourself, I wake up everymorning like my chest is going to blow up I checked myself in the hospital twice in the last month and a half it is unbearable most of the time almost every day for me I'm on Paul and still no relief. Be strong and pray GOD knows what were going through I will pray for you, 💟

  • have you tried cannibus oil

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