Last thought ***warning, trigger warn... - Anxiety and Depre...

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Last thought ***warning, trigger warning***

Lixus profile image

****trigger warning****

It's over, I crossed the line and it's over, I have a panic attack, I'm still having a panic attack while I hurt myself after a year of not doing it I've always said that I'll never think about suicide and here I am, thinking about it, knowing that I'll never do it but holding a knife in front of me while writing this

I don't want this post to be deleted because is my only way out right now, I don't deserve anyone after all

I'm selfish, I can't help anyone around me, I'm always in a second place, people talk with each other and I don't have the courage to talk with them, to start conversations, I'm a coward who doesn't deserve anything I can't help my friends I think they need me and I can't do anything, I think I don't even realize they need me. I hate myself

How I'm suppose to be enough? How I'm supposed to be complete? Yeah, being alone can be really awesome, the problem is that we can't be alone forever or at least I can't. If I'm alone I want to socialize with people, then I socialize and I want to do it again and again... And then anxiety//depression//whatever is happening in my mind right now comes to say hello and I want to be alone again, but I mean truly alone, like disappear from this place, never talk with people again, but then I feel guilty and "depressed"//whatever is happening in my head and the cicle starts again

I just want to make friends without my mind telling me "you're not enough" "they hate you" "they don't want you" "you're weird" all the time!!

31 Replies

I honestly don’t have an answer for you but want to let you know I hear you. Your thought mirror a place I was at years ago and most responses when I reached out made me feel worse not better. I stopped reaching out to people I knew for that reason. You don’t want to hear it gets better but it does. You are strong, you are battling and you are worthy.

Lixus profile image
Lixus in reply to Babybear4

Thank you so much for your words, I haven't been able to answer until now, when the panic attack and the anxiety seems to be a little bit lighter, still trying to breathe properly but your words helps me a lot while I was having the panic attack couple hours ago

Hi, please accept my offer of friendship and support, although I feel myself insufficient as well and I know I cannot solve anything for you. I hate that you hurt yourself and feel so bad about yourself. You deserve better, you deserve a chance to heal, you deserve to be loved. Please take these thoughts of self harm and self hate and put them away from you. Show them the door, kick them out. You can overcome this. No one and nothing can beat you as long as you keep trying.

The knife you hold, please put it away from you. I saw a suggestion on here to try holding a ice cube instead when you are tempted to harm yourself. Don’t give up on yourself, you are worth fighting for.

Would talking about it help? I am here to listen.

Lixus profile image
Lixus in reply to

I can't thank you enough for your words, I'll try your advice next time I have this thoughts.

Talk can help, but right now I think I just need to rest a little bit, still in some pain for the breakdown.

Again... thank you

Agora1 profile image
Agora1 in reply to Lixus

Lixus, please do rest. You are not alone. Your virtual family surrounds

you with understanding and support. We all care about you :) xx

Lixus profile image
Lixus in reply to Agora1

your answer is really kind of you!! I really appreciate it, thanks!! I'll do

what stopped me from killing myself was the thought of darkness and emptiness on the other side, the thought of just vanishing. i won't vanish by my own hand. no point in that. what if there really is nothing at all out there? i'll just stick around a bit longer..

Lixus profile image
Lixus in reply to

Thanks for answering, I'm catholic, which means that killing myself is indeed worse. Is the main reason I knew (until know) that I'm not going to do it (apart from a lot other reasons like what you said) but the fact that I'm feeling this way really freaks me out...

I hear you. I see you. You're struggling, and it sucks that you are. I, and many others on this site have got your back. Keep reaching out. Keep sharing your thoughts. Feel free to message me when you're ready. I'll send a message a little later to check in on you.

An observation... these don't look like your last thoughts. These look to me like they're just the beginning for you to take the next step forward. You're asking a lot of great questions, that honestly, no one else but you can answer. But we're all here to listen and provide our experiences.

Having thoughts of suicide, doesn't have to mean succumbing to those thoughts. You mentioned you have friends, can you stay with one of them for a little while? You don't have to talk to them. You don't have to do anything. But just having the presence of someone else around can be calming and distracting.

You might consider trying Phil's suggestion of holding an ice cube in your hand... it's a great idea. Another idea when those thoughts become too strong.... splash cold water on your face or take a cold shower. Check out additional resources for suicidal thoughts here: nowmattersnow.org/

Lixus profile image
Lixus in reply to

I can't say how thankfull I am for your aswer, it gave me hope, do you mind if I pm you some near day to talk? I think I'll need a chat after this (now I think I just need to take some rest)

I have friends but unfortunately I can't go with them, I'm living in another city because I'm studying to become a vet. The problem is about the guilty, anxiety, pain, shame... I'm feeling right now, after de breakdown...

Thanks for your advice, I'll think about them

in reply to Lixus

Yes. Feel free to PM at anytime. I've been down in the hole of nearly ending my life numerous times before. I found the way out, and willing to help guide you out. Get all the rest you can for now.

Lixus profile image
Lixus in reply to

Thanks, I'm not going to face the fears that caused me the crisis yesterday yet, I need more time, I will take them easy, one step at a time for this week until my next therapy session next friday.

Thank you a lot for your help and your care

in reply to Lixus

Hey... that's a great mindset to take. Glad to see you're already looking ahead. Just taking things second by second can be a great path forward. Take each thing as it happens. Be in that moment. And you'll be able to look behind you and see how far you've come so you know you can keep moving forward.

Lixus profile image
Lixus in reply to

I can see how much I learnt about my mistakes, about dealing with my anxiety and mental health problems but if I'm being honest I'm scared of myself, I'm scared of how much damage I can make to myself... I will keep walking, I have an ambicious aim in my life and I want to achieve it, I don't know if it's correct to keep going just because of that, because if I fail on achieving it idk what I'm going to do, but at least I have to try to make it

in reply to Lixus

Seems like a good place to start. And if you fail, which statistically speaking is always a possibility, you go through the pain having a different perspective, regroup, dust yourself off and continue moving forward.

For a looooong time my motivation to stay alive was my family and friends. But I realized this year after another suicidal episode, I needed something more to be my motivation. It needs to be something for me. Still haven't figured out what the "it" is yet.... but I can just keep pushing forward whether I figure that out or not.

Lixus profile image
Lixus in reply to

Thank you so much again for all your help, I'll try to keep going focusing in this aim and I'll change if I need to in the future, taking one day at a time...

Good luck in finding something to live for, I'm sure you will find it sooner or later

Hey, put that knife away!!!! We all care about you on here. Try to focus on something different if you can. Did something happen that is triggering you??? What's going on? You can send me a pm if you like. I've had those dark thoughts too. Know that sometimes you just have to let those thoughts and impulses pass through you.

Lixus profile image
Lixus in reply to Googoodollsfan

I know what triggered me yesterday but I'm not ready to face them yet, a lot of things happened all together and I need more time. Thank you so much for your answer and support :)

Hi. I'm so sorry you're hurting. I like everyone else's responses, so the only thing I'll address is your third paragraph about being selfish.

You are not selfish!! Please know that!! We can't possibly be expected to help others when we ourselves are hurting. Say you and a friend are in reversed roles (you fine and her hurting). What would you say to her? You would show her compassion, right? You would tell her to look after herself, wouldn't you? Now...would you be able to take that same compassion and show it to yourself? Don't you think you deserve that? Because you do. You deserve to feel good.

Another thing: you say "I think they need me". Unless they've explicitly told you that they need you, how do you know this? Those phrases you have in your last paragraph: how do you know that you're not good enough, that they hate you, that they think you're weird and that they don't want you? Again, unless they've explicitly told you these things, I'm not sure how you can know them. My therapist calls this "finding the evidence". I'm not sure if this is the correct psychological name for it, but I do know that finding the evidence is a psychological method (part of CBT I think).

I hope this helps somewhat.

Lixus profile image
Lixus in reply to

The thing is that I'm afraid of not be able to see my friends getting hurt by any life stuff, like if I'm getting a hard time I would like them to notice and help me but then I think they're going through something or they went through something and didn't explicitly tell me so I though is because I didn't realice (so is my fault) or they don't want to tell me because they think I'm useless helping others (which is in some way true, I'm bad at giving advice, sometimes the only thing I know to do is be there and listen) but on the other side I think I'm always asking for help and that is what makes me think I'm selfish and useless

in reply to Lixus

Ah ok, I see. I used to always ask for help too and felt an unnecessary burden because of that, so I hear you. When we're hurting so much, though, I think it's human nature and instinct to want to protect ourselves. Maybe you could try and look at it from this angle: you like to help others, right? And you want to be good at it, right? In order to do both those things, we need to first be in our own right mind so to speak. An example: say that you feel bad enough to do something you'll end up regretting (I'll leave that to your imagination). Your friend comes along and asks you for help. You, feeling bad enough to do something you'll regret, get really irritated and want your friend to leave you alone. You're emotions get the better of you and you give them really bad advice. Desperately needing help, they take this bad advice. You now feel doubly as bad.

We need to take care of ourselves before we can help others.

Lixus profile image
Lixus in reply to

I've think about that too but I wasn't able (or at least I don't think I was) to help them when I was ok, because I don't know how to give good advice to people and in the end, that is what kills me inside and one of the things that caused me my panic attack yesterday.

I think I'm not a "good friend", I don't know what to say when my friends feels bad, I don't know what to give for presents, birthday presents makes me really anxious indeed and even if they don't think about this stuff and they don't think is important, I can't ask them about it and I never stop feeling anxious

Hey, I have read your post and have seen the great responses that you have been given., Then I've noticed something too. You are very polite, having that you've replied everyone's feedback with kindness. That clearly indicates that you have value more that very many people in this world. You are strong, and of great worth. I don't know you yet but just by your replies I have known that you are of very much value than you can ever imagine. I sometimes feel worthless too, but the fact that blood still pumps in my/our veins keeps me/us going, because that's a clear indication that we are still on great worth. Just imagine, money can't even buy a life. When you were born, money didn't buy your life, and it didn't buy your first breath and cry. That clearly means that you are more precious than even the material things that many think is precious. You are not worthless.

I hope that has helped. Always remember, we are all here, and you are never alone.

Lixus profile image
Lixus in reply to Canonp

I wished HU allowes me to give more "likes" to your comment. Thank you so much for your beautiful answer full of kindess. Sometimes this community is the only thing I have going through hard times and I'm glad I found this side months ago

I often feel like this. And I know how difficult it must have been to reach out. To find the words to express yourself. So I am really proud that you found the strength. Take comfort in small accomplishments.

I hope it offers some comfort to know are not alone.

Lixus profile image
Lixus in reply to Shamzie

Thanks for your words of support, I try to think about simple things like what you say to stop my anxiety but sometimes I can't stop feeling overwhelmed with all the things I need to do

Love your self first the rest dont matter. Get out into nature

Search for God he is real, if you really seek him he will give you answers. It may or may not be some miraculous extravagant sign but will reveal himself to you overtime and you'll know. Please search out, you won't be disappointed. What has also helped me naturally is also Probiotics. They do affect your gut and health in general and can help heal also. PM me if you'd like. God bless.

Get on a dating app and meet a friend who likes you. Get your Dr to prescribe Celexa and Zyprexa.

Thanks for your answer, although I'm not in the mood to meet new people right now, I still have strong anxiety thoughts and I don't want to take meds, my psychiatrist will know what meds I should take if I decide to take them some day

Pray and ask for the holy spirit to baptise you each morning. It works for me.

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