Dark thinking ****trigger warning****

[Runningfargal]

Can anyone relate to chronic (not sure that is the right word to use but can’t think of anything else) thoughts if ending your life? I’ve had one attempt, prior to it I thought a lot about leaving. After two hospitalizations and one session of IOP, I’m still focused more on dying than living. I’ve always run from challenges, things I think I may fail or make mistakes. Maybe it’s just another form of running. I have been taught all the tools to start making positive changes, I have a good therapist to help, yet I feel stuck and unable to use them, trapped by thoughts that death might be better for myself and everyone else. I feel unable to tell anyone how intrusive they are, I’m shamed but also want to hold on to them, they make me feel oddly safe. But also I keep telling myself I should be grateful for all I have and I just need to turn those thoughts off, but I’m just too lazy and selfish to do so. Or maybe if I say something people won’t take me seriously, heck I don’t trust my own thoughts, why would others? What if they just think it’s for attention or drama? I just looking for help on what to do, what to tell my therapist (I’m worried she’ll recommend another hospital stay and my marriage won’t survive that). Any thoughts without judgement (trust me I berate myself for this enough already) would be truly helpful.

[lillyofthevalley37]

It's a massive thing to kill yourself, it isn't easy it hurts people you may regret it so it's best to be resigned to sticking around I think

this life isn't going to last forever thank God , God giveth life and God takes it away when our turn comes

I often wish I was dead too.life is so hard atm

And what about your husband

Accept that life is incredibly hard but be resigned to living this is what God wants you to.do.and this is what your husband wants too

[AlLeYkAt86-]

Everyone wonders about it at some point but for people like us it can be a pervasive thought. I've often fantasized about a button that would erase me and all evidence/memories of me so no one would be hurt. Camus called it the only philosophical question worth investigating. There's just too much damage caused to too many to help one person. It's not worth it but you are. Don't worry about seeming attention seeking or dramatic, it's your head and you have to live in it. Stick with us.

[lillyofthevalley37]

No I don't take medication

I take flaxseed oil capsules, fish oil capsules, evening primrose oil capsules, b vitamins zinc vitamin c and other stuff

I don't agree with how they dish out SSRIs when they don't even know if someone has a serotonin difficiency

[lillyofthevalley37]

I also take magnesium, tyrosine , feverfew - I take feverfew to block serotonin I had serotonin syndrome

Tyrosine turns into dopermine in our body I noticed you have BPD so you should be careful.with that as it can trigger mania although it should be ok.if you are depressed - my husband has BPD he has the flaxseed and fish oil to keep.him stable

Prozac is serotonin which.is a downer

[lillyofthevalley37]

I'm sorry you haven't got over the trauma ?

[Hidden in reply to lillyofthevalley37]

No I haven’t...doubt that I ever will.

[lillyofthevalley37]

If you are in a depressive mode serotonin insn't going to lift you

Serotonin is what they give you to.bring you down.from mania

My husband has stopped taking his medication which was Olanzapine

[hypercat54]

Hi I think you are suffering from suicide ideation. I am very familiar with that and always think well if life gets too much I can always...... I use it as a comfort blanket knowing I probably never will use it. It is comforting though isn't it.

The other side of the coin if you are stuck in your life is to do anything and everything to change it. This doesn't mean big changes but just very small ones. You would be surprised how a few small ones add up to a big one.

For example I once worked in a pub in the evenings. One of the darts team was leaving so I jumped in despite never having played before in my life. I loved the game and practiced until I became quite good. Then through this I made friends. I love socialising, friends, pubs, and darts so it's a win win situation for me. It gave me something which I loved. This is of course different for everyone so try something new and very small and see how it goes.

A counsellor once explained it to be like this. Say you are say £100 overdrawn at the bank. Now it's natural to want the whole lot to pay if it. What you do however is to get £5 from this person (or situation), £10 from another and before you know it you have half the money. Not brilliant but much better than not having it. Do you see what I am getting at? x

[Runningfargal in reply to hypercat54]

Thanks. Yes, thinking about it brings comfort, sometimes I can even feel all the weight being lifted from my shoulders, just for a brief moment, at the thought of ending life. It’s a coping strategy that almost seems addictive now.

The little bits...it’s what my therapist is trying to get me to do. I’m a total black or white thinker. I am always demanding I “pay in full” or it’s a fail. The little amounts are hard for me to see and understand. But I’ll keep trying, thank you!

[hypercat54 in reply to Runningfargal]

Few things are black and white. Most are shades of grey and it's important to remember that. x

[lillyofthevalley37]

To keep everyone down

Are you in UK bc there was a really good programme about young people on SSRI drugs the other night

[Hidden in reply to lillyofthevalley37]

No...I am in the United States. I don’t understand the logic of anti depressants then...

[lillyofthevalley37 in reply to Hidden]

They dish out serotonin ie SSRI. s even though they don't test for serotonin difficency

Dopamine is the opposite of serotonin dopamine is what fuels bipolar mania

[Runningfargal]

I was. Quit, it either left me numb or ready to, but unable to, explode with emotion. Don’t have a psychiatrist. I feel the same, no pleasure with anything. And losing connection to people, including husband and kids. That’s the hardest. I think I have attachment (lack there of) issues but haven’t really explored it.

[lillyofthevalley37]

I'm not sure I am depressed myself atm

[Kiddle]

I was taken aback when I told my T I was thinking about that seriously, and he replied if I wanted to, he couldn't stop me. His experience was if I wanted to, I'd find a way.

Knew he was right. So he told me what he was required to do by law. Oddly didn't want to get him in trouble with the law!

We made a list of things I would try first. If *we* decided hospitalization may help, he would call and clear the way. Go with me. See me while I was there.

He sent me an email listing the steps we had agreed on. Absolutely clear what I would do and he would do. We've made it pretty far down the list a few times. But never to the bottom.