Terrified and Hopeful

[MoldyPenny]

Since my last post I've come home, my boyfriend (do I even call him that anymore?) and I have spoken & decided that for the time being we will continue to cohabitate since it's mutually beneficial for us, and we can be friendly roommates but nothing more. There's no saying if we'll ever actually get back together, I hurt him badly and I don't blame him for being hesitant. I'm hopeful, I believe he still loves me as he is not being rude or mean. He's encouraging me to seek professional help, and has stated that he wants me to talk to him about my journey with self discovery and treatment as we both think it will be good to talk about it and hold me accountable.

I'm so scared of the future, more than I was previously. With all of the uncertainty surrounding it right now, it's causing my anxiety to spiral. It helps to write out my feelings and organize my thoughts, and I'm so glad to have found this group. When I can acknowledge my emotions, and focus on writing them down in a clear way I'm not crying.

I don't know how to even figure out what my new normal is. He is my person, and he is who I go to when I need advice, or a hug. We'd been together for two years, a year and a half of that we've lived together. I'm so used to going to him when I need consoling, and I'm so used to having his physical touch that it's almost unbearable to think about not having that but still having him around. I don't want him to leave, though. I take comfort in knowing that he's still in the other room, and having him still living here is giving me the hope that I need to continue moving forward in the right direction. It's just hard.

I have emails out to all of my doctors, and I will hopefully be getting in to see my therapist sometime this week. I'm also contacting my pcp to see about starting treatment. I can't see a psychiatrist due to finances at the moment and not having health insurance, but I'm hoping my pcp can at least try to get me onto something to level out my mood until I can afford better help. This is all so new to me, and I'm very overwhelmed by it.

[MoldyPenny]

Update: I was able to get in touch with my therapist and I have an appointment with her on Tuesday morning.

[ChanadlerBong]

Congrats on seeking help! I understand the feeling of losing someone even when they're just feet away from you. But you deserve love. If not from your ex, I'm sure someone else would be lucky to have you.

[MoldyPenny in reply to ChanadlerBong]

Thank you for your kind words.