Young and inexperienced

[sad_watermelon]

Hi, I will need your help and opinion on something because I'm pretty young and I don't know how to react to some things and I don't know what to do in many situations. I think it will be better to hear people with more experience than me so I can think about it more clearly.

So it's been almost two weeks since the start of university and the first week of lessons. I met some people and very fast they gave me up so I just let them be and for the moment I am talking to a girl; we sit together and she's kind and nice, pretty quiet, but at least she's very nice to me.

To be honest, I have had horrible experience with people there. I tried to meet people in my dormitory, I tried to meet people in my class and things didn't work out. I mean, I'm the only one putting effort and I see the other person being careless and uninterested so I give up. I tried to find clubs that might interest me but I couldn't. I tried to find a job but I couldn't...

So yeah, anyways, there is a guy in my class, he sat next to me and I was polite and introduced myself to him. Then he introduced himself. He was nice, we talked a bit before the class and I offered him to exchange some kind of communication like social media, for example. He agreed and now we are friends on Instagram. Everything was fine.

The girl I'm talking to and I sit with in class actually lives pretty close to the University (I live far) so she goes home for lunch. I was ready to spend my lunch alone when this guy came and offered me to go somewhere to eat, so it was very kind of him. And we talked but with time I started feeling less and less alright with « him ».

First of all, he was smoking all the time and I am so anti-smoking and I can't stand the smell of cigarettes but I was polite and I didn't say anything because I know that a lot of people smoke and I know it's something normal for University. He's a year older than me so it's normal I guess but...

Secondly, he told me that one of his closest friends is addicted to cocaine and he finds this horrible but I find it terrifying. I mean, I don't know how to react knowing that a very close person to this guy has such a condition. Of course, I don't know the lives of these people but it kind of scares me and I don't know, for me your friends are like a mirror to who you are and if you have friends who take cocaine that doesn't talk good about you. I don't know, it's my opinion, I'm young, I say it again, I'm young.

He also is pretty active on social media, always texting me, always asking me things which is great. I mean, I complained that I'm always doing the first step and the effort when here he's doing the effort too but sometimes it gets too much for me.

I don't want to kick him out but in the same time, I'm afraid we don't have a future friendship. I don't know, I'm confused and and I'm also so scared that he might be the only person except this girl who is talking to me.

And one more thing, everybody is going to their home for the weekend so the weekends are the hardest part for me because I'm staying here alone and all the people I know go to see their families while I am 2,000 km away from mine and it makes me feel worse

[CLB1125]

Im not sure what you are asking. Is this guy someone you see yourself in a relationship with or as a friend? If he has a friend doing drugs be very careful.

[sad_watermelon in reply to CLB1125]

I can’t look for a relationship if I don’t see a friendship first. But if I compare it to how it was when I was first talking with my ex before we started dating and how I feel talking to him, I don’t feel anything, it’s just nice to not be alone, but…

[Alpakka123]

Hi,I read this yesterday and have been thinking of what to say.

University (especially the first year) is a scary time for everyone. Many people (like yourself) are away from their families for the first time and all of a sudden have to be "adult" for the first time. It's a time of discovering who you are without anybody influencing your journey (namely parents). Young people from all over the world are suddenly thrown together without parents to discover what life's all about. I guarantee you that you aren't the only one with these questions and insecurities. It will take some time to get used to your new reality.

[sad_watermelon in reply to Alpakka123]

I can survive without my parents. I miss them of course, but I am getting used to it. My biggest problem is the loneliness. It seems like I can’t meet the right people here, like everybody is so strange and different. It also seems like it’s too late. All of the small groups of people were formed the first day and it’s impossible to get into them. I am really trying, trust me. But the only person I am talking to is going (as everyone else) home for the weekend so it makes me feel bad that I will be alone again. I am not used to being alone, I was always able to make friends. Now the only opportunity is this guy, but I am not sure what I should do with him. I don’t want him to be an option for me when I feel alone, it’s cruel. But I also don’t want to be alone

[Alpakka123 in reply to sad_watermelon]

Oh, I know you're trying. What I'm getting at is my guarantee to you that you're not alone in the struggle. You say that everyone is so strange and different. I can guarantee you that you aren't the only one thinking this. College/university is a whole different world, and it takes time to get used to. It's overwhelming. Not only are you getting used to your classes, professors, classmates, roommates, dormmates, etc, but you are getting used to being an adult in an adult world. I get the loneliness. I went to an out-of-state college. Luckily my college had lots of out-of-state students, so, while the dorms were emptier on the weekends, they weren't empty. All Colleges/universities, no matter their size, have clubs and organizations you can join. I went to a relatively small college, and remember the number of things I could join being overwhelming.

[CLB1125 in reply to sad_watermelon]

There’s nothing wrong with being a friend with him. As long as he knows that that’s all it will be. If you don’t feel any other way about him that’s just the way it is. You’re not a bad person for just wanting a friend.

[Caspiana]

Hello there. I was looking for posts about the drug Sertraline which led me to this forum, which in turn led me to your posts. Your words resonate with me because I was also away from home at a young age and I know what you mean. Two weeks is not enough time to form firm friendships. Finding "your people" requires patience . It's okay not to fit in and have a big circle of friends initially, if ever. You need to settle in and so do all the other students. The girl you made friends with is a good start. There's no point having loads of "empty friendships " either. A small, loyal , healthy clutch of friends is precious.

I grew up in an Asian family. Although my mum is a Brit. When I was a student I was always aware of what kind of friends my parents would want me to have and the sort I should stay away from. Follow your gut. Smoking and Cocaine are not in your best interest, I can say with some confidence as a mother myself.

As for the loneliness on weekends, I'd definitely find a weekend job or volunteer would be even better and will look great on your resume. Maybe you'd even get some credits for it. Your student office can probably suggest some good places to volunteer. Also remember your study load will increase as time goes on. Your weekends might not be as empty when the course load increases. And those singing lessons? Don't give up on that. The teacher asked you to prepare two songs because she wants to gauge what you need to work on not because she wants to humiliate you. She's also from your country. It's always good to have a link to home. She can will help you ease into this new life as she probably knows the area really well too. These are opportunities to meet other people and expand your circle of acquaintances and that will eventually form friendships. It won't happen overnight and it requires perseverance on your part as well.

We "oldies" have experience in life it is true. But once upon a time we were all less sure of ourselves and stumbled through life often falling on our faces. We made mistakes, some of them we thought we'd never recover from (like broken hearts 😊) but we survived it all!! And so will you. Embrace this precious time in your life. Your parents love you enough to give you the best education they can. You have a fortuitous life ahead. I am happy for you and strangely even excited for what lies ahead for you. I wish you much happiness.

Cas xx 🙋