Walking away

[Foreverbroken31]

It's been 3 months since I had been here. But today I feel I need to get this out of my head. I'm turning 30 soon and I still live under my parents roof. I'm turning to change that before the end of this year. I'm so tired of this life. I still need to ask permission to go out with my friends. But my parents also want me to stop having friends. I even though today I went out with them I feel alone. I tell them how my parents are with me and today they told me I'm getting boring to hang out with because I always have to go home early or I can't enjoy being out with them. And that's has always been the issue I only have 3 friends because all the others have walked away from me. I think it's time to end my friendship with them even though it will hurt me alot.

[OceanKitty]

Hi Brokensoul1991, I'm really sorry to hear that you are going through this difficult experience and situation. It must feel very frustrating and isolating for you, among other things. What would the consequences be if you made your own choices about when you go out? Would your parents react badly to this? I'm sorry to hear that they are encroaching on your personal space and boundaries like this. What did they do to indicate that they don't want you to have friends? Sending love.

[Foreverbroken31 in reply to OceanKitty]

My parents don't believe in friendship and they want their kids to be like them with no friends or anyone help. There's been times in which I don't ask for permission and they yell at me that they are my true friends and then they just ground me for months where I can't see my friends and the only ones I'm allowed to hang with is with my own siblings.

[OceanKitty in reply to Foreverbroken31]

I am really sorry to hear that they treat you in this way. Shouting at you for seeing your friends and pressurizing you to not have friends, is emotional abusive. Do they have any legal control over you for any reason, i.e. because of some exceptional circumstance? Or do you have the same legal rights as any other 29/30 year old? It sounds like they want to control and intimidate you, which is not the behaviour of a true friend. Where did their unreasonable and abusive beliefs come from? Are their ideas from some kind of religion or cult?

[Midori in reply to Foreverbroken31]

That sounds really dysfunctional. At your age you need friends, as well as a family. What would happen if you wanted to get married?

[Hidden]

Hi there. I happen to be a 50 year old woman, I don't have any children. I used to have my own apartment and car for a long time. Now??!!! I'm back to living with my elderly parents, and it's so hard on me and them .

[hypercat54]

I agree with ChavivLeon. It's not your friendships you should be thinking of ending, but your parents control of you. I am glad you are aiming to move out and do it asap.

[propjock]

Are your parents doing what’s good for you, or what they want / think they need?

No child is the solution to their parents’ own mental health challenges. As the “Boundaries” book says, you have responsibilities TO your parents, but you are not responsible FOR them.

“Controlling outside relationships and keeping you dependent” is a classic abuse pattern. You are wise to set a goal with a realistic timeline to get out.

What’s also important is to set goals for each month. If a year from now, you were telling the story of how you moved out, how would it go? “Well, the first thing I did was A. And then I started to do B, but C happened, so I went with that.”

Your monthly step-by-step keeps you focused and moving. Update it so that it matches reality, but let it help you keep moving.

And if life where you are ever takes a turn from merely controlling and miserable to physically dangerous, yank the red handle. That’s the ejection seat. Have a plan to bug out on a moment’s notice. Have your pack packed and ready.

[Roxylox]

Its not right to be restricted like that at 30.

[Mimi1957]

Hello there- I wish you weren't feeing so bad . I know that when I get uncomfortable enough, that is when I make a strong effort to change. I have found that when I feel the need to control anything, it is fear driven. The fear and prevention of loss, or harm, or change, etc. can wear a person out for sure. So can being controlled, right?

I feel that it's not really up to me to figure out why others are trying to control me, but rather to make sure they don't because I simply don't like it. Many times the controller isn't aware of what they're doing because even when they ARE successfully controlling another person, they are STILL fearful. It take a lot of work to figure out how to control other people, too. They likely developed that way of coping as very children.

It take a lot of work to extract yourself from being controlled. Especially when you have been used to living a controlled life for a long time.

So. You might want to give some thought to making out a list of how you will take care of yourself during the time you are breaking away from being controlled. That "Whole Health" model being integrated into mental health recovery really makes a difference. Eating well, getting enough sleep, enough water, stretching and,or exercise, etc. and doing this everyday without fail, will go a long way to keeping up your stamina both physically and emotionally.

another thing that is helpful is to write a list of what you need to do. Step by step. Write it in pencil because you can make changes but have a do-able plan of action.

The final thing I can think of besides identifying a few supporters (whom you can also support), is to be responsible to yourself by praising yourself as you go along everyday. This is hard stuff and as you work towards your goal, you must acknowledge the fact that you are a good person, an adult who is responsible, that you like yourself and that when you make mistakes(and you will make mistakes, you must pat yourself on the back and tell yourself, "I made a mistake, I did my best at that moment and mistakes are fine. Making mistakes is usually how we learn."

You might want to start by thinking about a different online name for using this site. Your soul isn't broken, my friend, your situation is and that's an opportunity for change.

Peace,

Mimi

[Foreverbroken31]

Thanks to all of those that responded to me I'm thankful for every opinion given to me. I will do as some of you told me to take care of myself and do my best to break the chains that my parents have given me. I hope in a year from now I can look back at this and be happy with my new freedom. My parents will no longer tear off my wings or my dreams.

[Hidden]

So after reading your post and a few of your responses I would have to say I agree with the others. Your parents seem to be the problem here. They are trying to force you to live and act the way they do and that is not how things work. You are your own person, with your own needs, desires, and wants. So I would agree that the best course of action you can take is to move away from them. I know this will cause problems for you. They seem like the type that would stop talking to you if you did such a thing but they are actively making your life a living nightmare right now. You are not a free person as they still treat you like you are 10 and act like you can't make your own choices. You need to be free to live on your own and the only way to do that is to put distance between you and them. I am sorry you are going through all of this. Keep your head up, you deserve better. I am here if you want to chat.

[Midori]

Could you move out? Seems like your parents are controlling you, and that will result in losing friends. At your age you need to be in charge of your own destiny.