Hi, everybody. Checking in with the latest.
After 3 months off of work on extended medical leave, I made the decision--with the options available/not available to me--to resign my position at work after many years there. As much as the past 5 years or panic/anxiety, and especially the last 3 have made going to work such a hard struggle, and as much as I dreamed of the release of all of that, I still feel like I've failed to some degree. I get that it had to happen; this condition demands now my full and primary attention, but I still feel like I should have somehow stuck it out.
All the people who truly are close to me, knew my panic/anxiety condition, saw the toll it took and love me are all saying the same things: "Congratulations!" or "you had to change things or you were going to die" or "a brand new life doing what you really want to awaits. I'm so happy for you!" or "you're very brave". I know that they are right. I know that I should take a moment to breathe it in. I know that I did what I had to do and chose myself first for once.
But it just feels like nothing. It's only a couple of days old, though, so maybe the new normal will take a while. I hope so, because today I had an all-day Force 4 panic attack (my rating system; 5 is the very worst) when I should have been...what?....celebrating? Accepting? Taking the first steps on a new path?
This thing of ours is insidious.
Anyway, that's today around here.