New here, hello and brief intro!

[luthien]

Hey, so this is my first post on here, not sure even if anyone's interested but hey, here goes

I'm 36, female, married with an amazing supportive husband. So my history and why I've joined the group? Well I'm not sure really, it just felt like the right place to go, with people whom may understand my anxieties, emotional problems etc.

My childhood wasn't easy personally even though I had amazing parents, they're my parents and I love them but they did argue, and often I'd get stuck in that, so I always worked to impress my parents, to please them, but I always felt I wasn't good enough or what I did was never good enough so I stopped expressing my feelings, stopped talking so much and just grew up, went through the years. However that obviously had an impact as I'd have random emotional outbursts, with shouting, frustration, screaming that all I wanted was to be listened to, crying, panic attacks, and shaking. I' love helping and listening to others, I always have and that was noticed throughout school; I'd make friends easily but when I lost them I'd feel like I must have done something wrong, I'd do really well at my school work but I'd get really frustrated if I couldn't figure something out.

Fast forward 20 years; I've not been living at home for about 15, however I've noticed throughout everything I do I've now taken on that "control" personally; I feel I'm never good enough, I need to always do better, I take one negative point and really focus on it like I've failed, rather than seeing all the positives. I've helped others with their emotions, made friends, put my emotions on the line to help and allowed myself to become the "go between" then when people are happy with their lives they just disappear from mine leaving me feeling like my willingness to help others has been used. I'm not sure if I'm making sense. I've started new sports, done really well and been told that but still feel like I'm not good at it.

I think because I've always listened and wanted to help others, I've never really shown how I feel until I get frustrated and vent out my anger, frustration, upset with screaming, pleading to be listened to and crying. It's always seen as "seeking attention" and "putting it on" by others including family. It's triggered usually when I want to express how I'm feeling and that gets ignored and "over commented" by people offering advice / suggestions, like I am asking for a solution or for them to "fix" something; I'm not, all I want is to be listened to like I do with others. My hubby gets me, and understands, we work to allow me to just say how I'm feeling, no solutions, just listening, until I've got all I'm feeling out. It feels like people forget I actually have feelings and emotions as I'm always putting those aside to listen to others.

So why am I on here? Recently - the past year I've been trying to focus on myself and my mental wellbeing - I've let too many people walk over me and use my careing nature to their advantage, use my friendship, my kindness, my listening, and then just walk away. It's exhausting being that person because I listen so much to other peoples stuff I kind of absorb their "weight" and they walk off leaving me with that and my own stuff to deal with, so it becomes a kind of heavy "world on your shoulders" thing. Which means when it gets too much I just vent out and have that "upset / angry" moment. It takes me days to recover from that one episode - feeling wiped out / exhausted / tired / and just wanting to be left alone. I've therefore started to focus on myself, spending less time listening to others / not letting myself get to the point where I really want to help and just keeping things "happy" but now I'm being called selfish because I need time to myself, because I'll visit / let people visit / catch up when I feel I can, that I'm not listening to others.

I feel like I can't win, like I've been there for everyone for so long, it's assumed I was always going to do that. That I'm this strong person, when I'm actually not - I need to be heard too, but people don't believe that, they think I'm "just putting it on", that I "just need to be positive and get a move on".

I feel like I'm taking a step in the right direction by really focusing on the inner me and being spiritually happy, but . . . other's don't get it.

By "others" and "people" I mean close friends, and family. My hubby completely understands me and gets really upset when I'm down, exhausted from one of my outbursts - which by the way do not happen with him unless I've kept something to myself which is bothering me and not talked - which we're working on.

What do I do? Does it get easier? Will people accept the new me and stop thinking I'm selfish? Do I need to just keep friends / family conversations simple for the moment? Everyone seems to want to know everything about my life but I don't always want to share - and sometimes that's where problems start especially with parents - my reasons for doing things / thinking things can be different to family and so I get told I'm wrong / incorrect when all I wanted was to say what I thought just like they do; without judgement.

Help

[Hazrat]

Dear Farah, don't lose your hope, challenging problems make a person strongest, be moderate in your life, human full of flaws, you wouldn't get perfect person as you wish, forget obsessing thought about past, think positive about your future, try not repeat past mistake, get good company and good friends

[hypercat54]

No of course it's not being selfish to withdraw a bit from others and put your own needs first, in fact it's essential. Look at it this way - if you are happier then all those around you and all who love you will automatically be happier.

I suspect you have grown up to be a people pleaser and taught to put your needs last. Once you start paying your needs attention you will start attracting a different kind of friend and have healthier relationships. x

[luthien in reply to hypercat54]

Thanks love the advice!

I think I've grown up to want to help others selflessly, it's the way I've always been. Even in playschool my reports were "careing, kindhearted, listens and always wants to help others". My needs have always taken a backseat as my nature is just that way, my family have noticed it but never corrected it as they've not taken the time to look into what this does to the individual and their needs if their actions aren't reciprocated. So not taught but more learnt that my needs aren't important and that has made me focus even more on helping others. I guess when we are children helping others is fine but as adults "games" come into play and over the past few years I've noticed I've let myself become part of that which isn't healthy for myself.

As you've said I need to take the time to focus on myself now I know what's going on. I guess I just worry that especially family aren't understanding what I'm going through as they've always seen me as this tough, decision making, focussed person, so to see me now as someone whom isn't confident and needs time to work on her own spirit is weird to them, they can't see how I could have "turned out that way". It's difficult to explain to others!

[hypercat54 in reply to luthien]

I suspect that you are not so much a 'natural' people pleaser as learnt it in childhood. We all learn or are allotted our place in the family dynamics so of course they are going to be confused when you try and switch roles.

In my family I was more the scapegoat and left home at 18 to escape from the endless arguments and tension, mainly from my narcassistic mother and rarely saw my family. Boy did they get a shock when I eventually moved back to their area! I was an adult then and refused to play their silly games. x

[kvolm2016]

Welcome! This is a great place to get your thoughts out and to get advice from others who do understand what you are thinking/feeling. So this was the right place to come!

There definitely does have to be a time when self-care is your priority and it is great to hear that you have a supportive husband. It is completely frustrating when other family and friends try to make that self-care seem selfish. It is not! But if you have always been the one that they could come to for their needs, it may surprise them to discover that your care for them has come at the expense of your care for yourself. The test will be to see which of them rise to the opportunity to return to you the care that you have always shown them. That will be a good indicator for you of who to continue to pursue relationships with and who to let go.

Have you been working with a counselor this past year on your mental well-being or primarily doing self-help?

[luthien in reply to kvolm2016]

Thanks for your kind words

I've been doing primarily self help, however I'd like to look into counselling (spelling?!), I did go a few years back for a different but ultimately similar problem with friends. So perhaps it's time to book that appointment and see if I need a few sessions.

It's so frustrating because when family mention I should see someone they put a spin on it like "they'll tell you how to talk to us" like somehow I need training, that's not what counsellors do; they focus inward.

I'll work on myself and then see, perhaps it needs a relationship counsellor / mediator as I cannot see them changing. Or I just accept that's the way they are and just don't "help" so much, and maybe over time they'll get used to the new me. Thinking out loud!

[LilyAnnepuppy in reply to luthien]

In my case, therapy works and it's a great gift I give myself. I identify with everything you've said and feel you have a good handle on who you are. You've done well with your "self help." But extra input from a professional can't hurt (in my option and experience). Keep posting and let us know how you're doing

[kvolm2016 in reply to luthien]

I has able to gain a lot of understanding about those of us who are "helpers" (often times related to codependency) through counseling. One of the really helpful resources that was recommended to me was this book on boundaries: bit.ly/38hmzYv I appreciated it because the concept of boundaries works in all relationships and scenarios. Maybe it would be useful for you as well!

[Imthedoctor in reply to luthien]

Just think of it like this....you are a jug of water, every time you do something for someone whether it's listening to them, looking after them etc you are pouring a glass of water out....at the end of the day how empty is your jug? Just remember to keep it topped up otherwise you'll be running on empty and that is not beneficial to your health.

Basically put some time aside for yourself....a little bit of self care goes a long way.... believe me I know.

[Lulububs]

Hey

I was exactly same as you , from a early child i was a people pleaser..

I lives with my mum who worked 3 jobs to house , Feed and clothe me, which made me worse as at 12 i was making our dinnner, cleaning even washing and ironing my own clothes so she wouldnt have to do that to.

Then at school i had to b good at everything again so she would feel proud and think all the work she did was for good..

Really i look back now and she was just a single mum doin what she had to , she didnt care about what i did for her she loved me fullstop!

It went on to teenage and older years, the clown, always the one u went to for a laugh....

noone to talk to though...

If i ever got serious my friends

Would b horrified ....

In the end about 26 i got rid of all them friends and moved on, u do in life.

I decided i was not pleasing anyone anymore but me, if someone pissed me off i was gona tell the and im not everyone clown or therapist.

My life got better from that moment on.. this is me accept it or move on

U have to b u and u have to b true to urself or ur end up in therapy because u cannot b pleasing people and pretending to b something ur not it draining.

As someone said to u before “ think of urself as a bottle water , u keep giving glass full away u have a empty bottle” thats when ur be emotionally drained and ur mental health will suffer.

At 45 i now do not care What anyone thinks of me friend or family im quite happy with myself