In need of a supportive voice

[JasmineJaz]

Creating new posts is not my thing as I consider my problems trivial in comparison to most other people here. I always believe that I can just talk myself out of it, no need to bother others. This is also something that's not an issue to most but bothers me a lot. I know this post is too long. If it's too long to read, just pls tell me it'll get better thank you.

I was constantly beaten down by my so-called friends in the past few years. Before that, it was the toxic relationship with my parents, which I left and cut most of the ties and connections from their end. Ironically, I ended up being close friends with similar people.

I've been learning to stand up for myself, to stand by my value and ignore their opinions on me. Made good progress in the past 3 months. Now I can listen to them talk to my face about what I'm lacking, and just shrug and calmly state my opposite opinion. (I still have to meet them from time to time for work reasons, can't change that in near future) Sometimes I win the debate, sometimes I don't. The point is I'm not taking it personally any more. It still affects my emotions of course, but it will pass quickly, unlike before. Back then, and many years before that, I'd take it all in and blame myself for everything, eventually to the point that I wanted to end it all because the world is better off without such a useless poop manufacturer like me (lol).

I thought I had the solution to this problem. But the feeling came back today. Now I'm drinking water to calm down and type.

As I drifted away from those toxic friends, I find myself left with only one close friend. We supported each other through the pandemic. A lot of happy memories together, some similar hobbies and history. This is someone who I consider a real friend, where my secret is safe with them and vice versa.

But it seems that our relationship is only good when we're alone together. When we started to hang out with other friends, they would challenge my words in front of everyone and make jokes about me. I didn't think much of it, until I realise that they never allow me to joke about them. They'd push back, act cold afterwards, and be more aggressive next time. I didn't think much of that either, they are just being sensitive, which I can relate. But it really gets to me when they disappeared for several months when I needed the support the most. During that time, I was the one texting them, starting conversations, proposing plans and got turned down. It's always work. I didn't really mention my struggle, I wanted to meet in person and talk about it. But they didn't give me a chance. When we finally talked about it, I was already like 80% to where I am now. They were being supportive, yes, but frankly it was too little too late.

I figured I just shouldn't expect too much, they obviously made the decision to keep a distance. It was difficult to accept but I did. There's no point in lingering any longer, this is not good for me. I don't have time to be bitter about it, all my time should be spent on myself to recover and stay "normal". But it's hard. Now I'm left with no one by my side.

The worst part is we still get to hang out together. I thought it can work out as regular friends, just for the company, exchange information and such. But as it turns out, I can't stand their jokes and challenges any more. I can't stand them being the center of attention and making me invisible any more. It happened this weekend, both yesterday and today, for some messed-up reason. I planned this weekend for myself to recover from work, now that plan is disrupted. I talked back and stated my point every time I'm challenged and made fun of. But it hurts. Even you? I thought. I felt betrayed by everyone, but I also felt that perhaps I'm the one turning everyone around me into jerks.

I know that I souldn't have tolerated it just because they were my friends. I know that I shouldn't have contacted them looking desperate. I know that now I just need to move on and meet new people. Or stay focused on my work, or whatever I enjoy doing. But I'm tired. My heart has worn out. I need a shoulder to cry on but there is none.

[Dreamer27]

One of the things that I learned through years of therapy is that although people experience pain in different levels, it is still pain. We cannot demean ourselves or anyone for feeling pain just because our circumstances feel insignifcant. If we look through the lense that someone else will always have harder issues, then there will never be a winner. Someone who goes through divorce will say that their pain is less than that of abusive parents. And we can spend time comparing but someone who has never been through divorce won't understand the pain of loosing a love through choice. If we use this explanation to not feel our pain because someone else may have it worse, then does that apply to happiness as well? We shouldn't feel happier than another because their happiness may be higher. This doesn't make sense so don't limit your pain to feel like it's unimportant.

Based on only the reading, this friend of yours isn't a real friend or true to herself. You can't be the scapegoat all the time to their jokes. I know it probably sucks right now, but you'll find your crew; people who care and check in with you. people who include you in the jokes, not make you (or anyone) the joke.

[JasmineJaz in reply to Dreamer27]

Hi Dreamer27, thank you for your advice and encouragement. It's so nice to be heard, and it gave me strength to go on. And if I may add, I actually don't have a problem feeling and acknowledging my pain, look how long I wrote about it But I do feel a little guilty posting it here to be seen by someone who's having a tougher time. The members providing support here are also struggling with life themselves, and I wouldn't want to annoy those who may deem this as a "first world problem". Perhaps consider the first paragraph as a disclaimer.

[Dreamer27 in reply to JasmineJaz]

You can still acknowledge your pain but undermine it at the same time and that's what I thought the post consisted of. I responded to support that you shouldn't feel like your issues are less than just because you're not a starving kid in Kenya. "First world problems" is used to minimize our issues but first worlds have plenty of kids that are homeless, poor health care, polluted cities, etc.

You're not bothering anyone by sharing. If anything, I think it helps to share these thoughts because so many others can relate to this. We're all struggling and that's why we are on here; to get support and connect with others

[JasmineJaz]

Thank you! "be me with no apologies", I will remember that.

[Raggedy-Ann]

Those people are frenemies. It's time to find new people to hang out with and have fun without the tension.

[JasmineJaz in reply to Raggedy-Ann]

Thank you, I will do that ☀️

[BrainIsFull]

💚💚💚I am extending a virtual shoulder for you to cry on.

[JasmineJaz in reply to BrainIsFull]

Thank you😭😭

[Kenny516]

I've definitely seen similar situations.. and in my view its part of what some people in society subconsciously do in order to try to maintain their view on the 'pecking order'

meaning if they think a person is shooting above their weight, they crack a joke to bring them down a level. and re-establish their perception of where in the pecking order things should be.

But these types of people almost always have issues and frailties themselves that are causing this behavior

[JasmineJaz in reply to Kenny516]

I think you have a point. There's definitely a "hierarchy" thing going on, sometimes they act patronizing and judgmental even when being nice and supportive. There's a lot details I didn't mention but the deal breaker is that we obviously have different views on how friendship works, and we've made our choices. It's time to move on...

[coolkitty1934]

well maybe a cat or dog would help in a way.whenever im sad i cuddle with my cats or dogs and cry it out i always feel better afterwards.there are times where animals can do much more than people can as they tend to give you unconditional love and affection.

[coolkitty1934 in reply to coolkitty1934]

youtube.com/watch?v=ltun92D...(Not working as expected?)

[JasmineJaz in reply to coolkitty1934]

Thank you, that's a good idea, and brings me hope because I'm just about to start the first step this week. Not getting a pet yet, just volunteering at an animal shelter. Guess I'll see how it goes 🙏

[coolkitty1934 in reply to JasmineJaz]

thats good im sure it will help even if only a little 😁

[Midori]

You stand in your truth, and don't let others tell you different. Took me years to manage that after the suicide of my husband. I had to stay strong for my children so I faked it, and eventually I made it! (A lot of cussing and bad language was involved to tell the inner me to get off my duff and get on with it!)

'Friends' like that are Not friends, just aquaintances. Good friends will stand with you all the way.

When it comes right down to the nitty gritty, only you can find those reserves of strength within. Therapists can point you to methods, and doctors to medication to help you find your way, but only You can find that inner strength and confidence.

Cheers, Midori

[JasmineJaz in reply to Midori]

Thank you Midori for your kind words... I have been trying to stand up for myself just this year, and life has become difficult after that, partly because my "friends" don't like the non-people-pleaser version of me, and partly because I myself am still learning to establish my own value and life style, and there're some back-and-forths and mistakes in the process. I don't regret it and I don't blame those friends. They didn't sign up for this version of me when we became friends, so it's only reasonable for them to leave now. It's sad and hard for me, but there's no time or reason for me to be bitter about it. There's a lot in life to enjoy.

If it is already difficult for me to deal with, then I can't imagine what you have overcome to get where you are today, and I'm really glad that you did💕. Some struggle we have to go through by ourselves, and it's encouraging to see others that came out the other end!

Hope you have a nice rest of the weekend!

[Midori in reply to JasmineJaz]

People who are not prepared to accept you as you are aren't real Friends. Unfortunately real friends can be hard to find, but they pop up when you least expect them, and from odd directions.

Cheers, Midori

[Stippler]

I am sorry you are feeling this way. I read your post and I can relate. I am more comfortable in one-on-one conversations with my friends because when my friends and I are around other people, they sometimes tend to "gang up" on me and it causes me considerable discomfort. I also would really like to say your problems are no more trivial than anybody else's. You are just as valid and important as anybody else. I love it that you are reaching out in spite of any resistance to doing so. Sending healing energy your way. 🙏🙏🙏

[JasmineJaz in reply to Stippler]

Thank you, I feel much better now 🌈 The friend I was talking about did that too, ganging up with others... It doesn't feel good, but it's in the past now. That person is still an acquaintance, and there's no reason for me to suck up any more. I'll practice to stand up for myself. And thank you for telling me that my issues are just as valid as any one else... my therapist has been trying to convince me that, and other members in this group too. I'm still adapting to this idea but I'm on my way there.

Hope you have a nice weekend 🙌

[Stippler in reply to JasmineJaz]

Sending peace. 🙏🙏🙏

[Taylormidnights]

Hey message me ik what u r going thru