The picture you have seen is of my late mum. 1935 to 2017 RIP
I need to touch on a very important subject as I am sure there will be plenty of you out there in the very same position as me. Having lost my entire family network back in 2017 with my mum being the very last person to go, it has placed me in the very same precarious position as she was back then being taken care of by me and her having to place all her faith and trust in me at the time and now as my condition is deteriorating each year since then getting chronic fibromyalgia and now newly diagnosed with type 2 diabetes and high cholesterol and now I have care needs exactly like she did and have to place my trust in my partner and carer. To look at me physically, you would not distinguish I was ever as disabled apart from me visually walking with the aid of a walking stick and various aids like compression socks and orthopaedic shoes insoles to help me walk to a relative degree and standard although I walk very slowly.
I hold onto my partner's hand all the time now to stop me wobbling and falling which I have an annoying tendency to do but tend to go with a real bang if I do happen to fall as I appear to have lost a lot of the feeling and sensitivity in my feet due to nerve damage from diabetes so taking the wrong step can mean me hurting myself badly if I do happen to trip. My weight doesn't help matters being mid 17stone and when I have taken a tumble in the bungalow with my little dog getting under my feet I have fractured bones and given myself a concussion, crashing into the washing machine.
Now my whole point of this topic and discussion is just to point out if for whatever reason my partner ever does decide to leave me, especially in the awkward debilitating position that I am in then leaves me in such a vulnerable and struggling position with my daily life and impaired mobility, the bleak prospects of it ever happening for me are very real. I then have to attempt living again on my own struggling with 2 dogs. I never realised the importance of trust mum had placed in me as her carer and some days when she drove me absolutely mad with her health especially her Alzheimers, it now makes me embarrassed now to think there were moments then when I wished I was selfishly in a far better place or mum wasn't there at all. It was sheer moments of total despair watching her suffer as I knew then the MAGIC WAND I posted out to you all yesterday, does not exist metaphorically although it would be a really good useful tool if it ever did to help STOP SUFFERING and HEAL people.
Mum said to me at the time, confidently, "you wait until you get as old as me" "you'll see", and she smiled at me? and in many ways, she is perfectly right and just look at the precarious position I am in now and I am only 56 this December. Unlike her, I have no family to look after me from here on like she had.
I was with her right up until the very end. I sat with her right till the last few hours. I believe she knew she was going on her eternal journey. 24 hours before her final curtain call she wanted and insisted on me giving her so many kisses and cuddles from me on that day. The streptococcal virus she was only a few weeks previously fighting for her life with in intensive care, she miraculously overcome against all odds. Even the cellulitis on her legs, foot and arms had miraculously calmed down and were looking so much better. Mum was so happy and jovial in her hospital bed in her final hours. She was supposed to be on the way to recovery and coming home and staff nurses moved her to another ward to make final steps home to recovery. She asked me at her bedside for so many kisses smiling so much at me touching my face and she wanted so many cuddles as I said goodbye to her and told her I'd see her tomorrow? Mum died at 7.15 am that following morning only hours before I left her, staff nurse who did the morning rounds rang me in floods of tears and total shock as no one on the ward expected mum to pass away. I arrived there almost immediately, it may have been a few minutes after her passing away to hold and stroke her still warm hand as she lay there with a smile on her face peaceful and calm with her eyes closed, her hands still felt as soft as ever as I pushed my cheek onto her hand. Her face was so serene and had a glow, her expression was of a happy contented one that finally it was all over for her. the years of suffering. She left this Earth with the grace and dignity intact doing it her way and I am so very, very proud of her. I still get incredibly emotional just thinking and talking about this moment as it is still so very raw for me. I MISS HER SO MUCH and wonder where she has gone to? I have a picture of her in my bedroom and I talk to her beautiful smiling face nearly every other day wanting to hear her voice or feel her hand again but I get no seems to reply. Maybe it is all just a huge wish list we brainwash ourselves into believing or maybe there is a better place we all call Heaven? who knows? Either way, all I know is the void I have and it hurts like hell and "I STILL MISS HER SO MUCH" the whole thing still consumes me many times and I become so overwhelmed at it all, it is my crumple zone, I ask so many questions after she died that I feel are impossible for any one mortal to answer unless you die and are there? No one knows the real true answers for sure the one significant question "will I ever see mum again"? I just have to hold onto that notion that I will and we will reunite together for eternity. That still remains my wish? As for me now. I fear losing my partner and having nobody in my life to help me as she had me for. I fear losing the will to live and not being able to cope left on my own. I fear losing what little security mum left me and I do have left in my life as it is the only thing I have to cling on to right now. All these notions literally scare me to death even as big as I am. I would feel powerless without these in my life. All these people who have cried "suicide" the notion, trust me, has gone through my head on so many desperate occasions and I am still here fighting my way through and walking the footpath of life so to speak, I live for my 2 dogs as they need me, I live for my partner as I know she also needs me also. I live for the joys of my little garden I have created and the many flowers I seem to be able to grow now, better this year than ever before. I live to occasionally walk along the beach collecting Seaglass, hence my name "DeepBlue" and the beautiful piece of deep blue sea glass I have as an Avatar and also hence my avatar name. I live for the expression on my dogs faces watching them run into the sea, wind in their faces all excited and full of the joys of the World in their happy place, I enjoy seeing that freedom and love for life and excitement it gives them. I still have not made my peace with God and all my demons in my head and still have so many unanswered questions but I hold onto faith to overcome so much pain with understanding, love and the hope one day all my questions will be answered. The MAGIC WAND I spoke of should exist and if it did, I would have little hesitation giving you all peace and happiness and taking away all the many worries and inflictions life has thrown at you so you can get on in harmony and live life. That always remains my wish...? and thank you for listening x please when you look at my mum have a little thought for the people you do care for, love and cherish them like I did with my mum x x
A long chit chat with Joanna made me realise anything is possible.
covert narcissistic best friend
watch her walk 
After breaking up with married man
As every day, we learn a bit or die a bit. 
