covert narcissistic best friend

[reinventingmyself36]

Hi all,

Have any of you experienced a close friendship for over 20 years with a covert narcissist who has slowly torn you down but to her family and other friends was lovely, strong, respected. How did you recover from such a friendship? She was and is my identity. I can’t heal from it and she’s still in my life to some extent even though the friendship is gone we are now like acquaintances since we live in same building

Some days I cope better than others. I have so much to heal on my own but when I see that our friendship was an illusion in which she manipulated, gaslit me, used silence technique in which she would not talk to me until she needed me again.she just wants me now in her life so she can stay on family line, Netflix , Amazon but doesn’t have to invest time with me since I do express anger about how she mistreats me. She can dish it out but can’t take criticism or attacks against her character.

Even with past advice on here I can’t seem to heal. I do things on my own now and most times I just lay in bed for days not doing anything. I feel nauseous writing about this since I can’t fully give her up. I can’t seem to make friends or form relationships of any kind.

what to do? The pills help me stay stable

[b1b1b1]

You need to completely end the relationship. It is damaging for you and it should not go on any longer. I also had a narcissistic friend at one point. Luckily I also had a therapist who helped me to end the relationship. I am very glad I did. If you do not already have a therapist, I would find one and begin therapy. I think therapy, possibly coupled with anti-depressants would be very helpful for you.

[reinventingmyself36 in reply to b1b1b1]

Something in me can’t completely end it.

I’m also at fault. How did you end it? I have been in therapy over this for over 7 years.

I have tried to end it quite a few times and so has she but she somehow always comes back and I think it will be different this time. I’m on new meds and have a therapist. So far no therapist has helped me end this relationship. They usually say have boundaries, take breaks, and some have said end it but then I have no one. I really have tried to make friends with others but can never connect or meet other toxic or unhealthy ppl. Your advice is encouraging but since I live in same building it’s hard to do. I know you’re right. How did you do it and get your sanity back?

[b1b1b1 in reply to reinventingmyself36]

Luckily we did not live in the same neighborhood. I know it is difficult as she was really my only friend at the time and we had been friends for over 20 years. I made the decision with the help of my therapist's strong urging and did not call her. If she called me or got in touch in some way, I was polite, but did not agree to any meeting. I just indicated that I was busy. After a while she got the point and I did not hear from her any more. When I was no longer dependent on her I found I was able to make new friends who were in fact much better friends. xx

[reinventingmyself36 in reply to b1b1b1]

oh thank you! It’s easy to do that now since she told me we are on a break until I can work on my inner demons and not express my anger towards her.

She only wants a friendship where we can go out and not talk about our probs so it wouldn’t even b a real friendship in my mind anymore. I can do this. I guess once she’s out of my life I will have space for others. I hope your doing well

[Naturelover58]

I clicked on your question today, as I have been going through something somewhat similar. I had a lifetime best friend for over 40 years. I considered her to be the best friend I ever could have asked for. About 5.5 years ago, she was going through some difficult times and I tried to help her with this, but she would become angry with me and told me that from now on, it had to be all about her. I will try not to go into too many details here, but the anger that was directed at me, made me incredibly anxious over the 2 and a half years that we limped along with our friendship. She would be angry, tell me that she needed a break and then after a month or so, call me as if nothing had happened. She told me towards the end, that she always knew that I would eventually drop the ball again. I tried to work things through with her, and to help me deal with this, I saw a counsellor who suggested that I talk to my friend about how I was feeling. I did this. I then suggested that we go to another unknown to both of us counselor who we could discuss our issues with. My friend agreed to this and she went with me exactly once. She quit because she felt the counselor was biased to my viewpoint, and she wanted none of that. I didn't know this counselor, nor did my friend. My friend agreed to light e-mails, but soon said that she was taking a break from our friendship and didn't want to hear from me, because she would resent me. I sent her happy birthday messages once a year, but this year I decided to let that go too. As you have done, I wonder how she does in her every day life now, with her other friends. I loved her dearly and still do, but I realize now that our friendship had become toxic. She expected me to pick the phone up immediately when she called, no matter if I was in the middle of things, or if she was going to call me at 11 pm. I think I had learned over the many years, especially in the last few, that I had to be available at all times. There were a lot of good times through the years, but I sought counseling when this was all over, and I learned not to blame myself for the end of our friendship. I miss her still but know that I couldn't live with the anxiety of all the blaming.

[reinventingmyself36 in reply to Naturelover58]

I’m so sorry you had to go thru this for over 40 years. We seem to have different issues in our friendships but ultimately the same in that blame fell on me. I have set boundaries and still have some contact with her. Usually I lash out at her but then apologize. I’m still grieving our friendship bec now she is more of an acquaintance.

Oh she treats her other friends and family very well since they never challenger any of her views or what she needs to do. They have similar mindset so she never argues with them. She lost her old friends whom she fought with to some degree with me it add the worst. I hope u get better. I feel I can’t trust anyone anymore. We have to learn to love ourselves since that’s all we have

[Naturelover58 in reply to reinventingmyself36]

For the longest time, I would look at where I was to blame in the loss of the friendship. Counselling certainly helped, but it was 4 years ago exactly, that she once again became angry with me because her senior cat suddenly died and I hadn't called the night that her cat died(which I couldn't possibly have known). She took a break from the friendship once again, and several months later, decided that she was taking a break again and wished not to hear from me. That was 3.5 years ago. I don't know if she was a narcissist. I do know that in the end, I realized that boundaries were constantly crossed, and the expectation was always that if the phone rang and she was on the other end, I would pick up no matter the time of day or what I was in the midst of. I think about this now ex friend, and feel that she was so well respected by friends and family, and why did this happen but I also know that her need for control of me, would only again cause me anxiety if our friendship would be restarted. I need to remember the good times, and know this is for the best for me. It doesn't change the feeling that I wished she would get the mental health help needed(she had a long time counselor) so that we could have moved on. I wish you the best. There are wonderful people out there. It sounds like your relationship with this person is not healthy for you.

[reinventingmyself36 in reply to Naturelover58]

Thank you for sharing your story. Even though we have different situations; the effect on us is the same. I still am in cotnact with her but the relationship is not like it used to be and she needs to control me and never aplogizes if her words hurt me. I’m at fault too because I become selfish and envious around her. You’re right she’s not good for me and she thinks she’s perfect and would never go to therapy. Your friend had some idea something was wrong it seems but overall these relationships are not healthy for us and they are hard to get over. Thank you for your support.

There are wonderful people I just haven’t made friends with them yet.

[Marysblue]

I recently had to end it with a friend who was passive aggressive with me. I had a strong resolve at first and then I started doubting whether I should have ended it.Every time we did something I ended up upset and anxious. But yet I still am grieving the end of that relationship. I think with any change or ending you have to grieve. Hopefully it'll get better for me and you too. You're not alone.

[reinventingmyself36 in reply to Marysblue]

Thanks for responding to this issue. This sounds very similar to my friendship with my best friend and hers. I do lash out though but all the blame is on me and we never talk thru anything unless she lectures me on my bad behavior and almost always after hanging with her I want to run home and get away and then I miss her again.

It’s gonna take a long time and will hopefully get better for us. U made an amazing first step. Therapy helps. I still grieve for the friend I thought she was even though she is in my life to some extent

[KiminWis]

I also had a narcissistic friend/coworker that treated me badly. I went no contact last October and haven’t looked back. I also have a sister who has a narcissistic personality. I didn’t recognize it until I realized I was part of her narcissistic supply. (For instance, found myself complimenting her just so she wouldn’t be cranky with me)I also went no contact with her and have to see her a few times per year at family gatherings. I’m civil to her but very aware of where she is. I don’t want to be cornered by her alone at any time. This is the “game” I play to protect myself when she is present. I think “good neighbor “ policy which to me means to say “Hi, how are you, wave hello from across the lot line, have a good day” and don’t invade my space uninvited and I won’t invade yours.

I have also set new rules for myself:

1-in order to be in my life, you have to be nice to me.

2-honesty counts. I won’t put up with anyone who lies or cheats with anyone.

3-if you want to cause drama, count me out.

4-anyone who disrespects me in any way is not my friend. I take note of that.

5-I’m not perfect and I know that. I don’t need anyone to point out my faults. I’m working on being the best version of myself I can be, it’s a difficult task for me and only those people who are a positive influence are allowed in my inner circle

6-I’m done with relationships that cause me to to feel bad about myself. Just done.