This is meant for all us that just get out of bed.
Please see my feelings about the day. ThIs is the end of my 2nd day with no job, no prospect for anything, no money or even a thought of what to do. Students and players miss me, but it is a fleeting moment. My Mother has no clue what is going on. I try to tell her, in simple terms, but she can’t understand how I could fail at something. I guess it not what a mother, thinks about her only Child, when he has everything the way it supposed to happen , in the order it supposed to been. Well after no grandchildren for my mother due to this unbelievable travesty that is career and failing, she(and I) are not even discussing the topic. Everything else is window dressing.
I have told her, it is me, not my wife’s I am a failure, in relationships, family, work, and friends. I said I’m sorry and wanted some absolution. A pat on the back , a 20$ in your hand, and all is right in their safe world.
As for the rest of us, Knowing that we are never the same again. No more innocence. We are degraded, pushed to the back of the pile. Oh need detox, here some aspirin. 1 every 12 hours Oh, you have a mental situation caused by the very subance is why we are “crazy”. God I hate this place on life.
And the sadness of all of this is it just takes only the effort of a spouse, child , family members or the dozens of the “I will help” freinds that figure
I have done my part. Thanks these same people will be at the end, at the funeral and wake, give a great story about you and them. But really you were dying and hurting so bad internally and mentally you just wanted to curl up and pass with out anyone noticed, they had no clue, until it is too late.
As one of our Presidents. Dwight D Eisenhower, said as his life was moving in to Sumsumsetset of an accomplishment life, “Put your hand into a bucket of water, as you pull it out, notice the ripples and other water that was disturbed. Now, look at the water, nothing is disturbing the water. Your hand is your life and the ripples are the effect of your life has the creating some ripples ? That
Water in the bucket, our lives and others live
at the time.
But at the end of the hand in the water, it settled and no one knows you were there.
It was heartbreaking as all of the situations with Sonya. I am trying to do what I am supposed to and carry the loss as it my burden and what should I do. Please give me some guidelines on what I am and should.
I can’t go on this way much longer. I have no friends that want to help, I I am in a place
that I know nothing that would help my deviation
is one even had a clue on what is wrong with me.
Addiction is a sickness, not a moral failing.
But it is a fight to the death for our life. I have seen how people change as soon as they know that you are in recovery and fighting as hard as anyone can. They look down their nose. They avoid eye contact, never allow you to be alone with any person, The look at when you are shopping.
Wondering what did you steal in the store, or worse, what are you going to steal to pay your dealer. Don’t let them in the house, school, gym or field.
They are tainted and the stain will not come clean. Whether it is a choice or disease, it removes love, then your soul and eventually your physical body and control. We are empty, alone and damaged beyond repair,
As much of the “Support” others promise or their say we will help, till it gets tough, or the hours don’t don’t match up with their schedule. Or you are trying and need some one to just be with you so you make it thru the day. And finally your love ones finally say “I can’t take it and you are damaging my life so get out of my life and don’t come back. You will never be whole or I am doing this for your health and recovery.
Yea , right. You will see my vessel at the funeral home.