my first time talking

hi guys this is my first time talking on here and i need some help ive been in a relationship for over 4 years and this year covid really took a huge hit on me ive never had friends so i didn’t really mind not going out and all but i didn’t get to see my boyfriend for over 5 months which was hard but recently my depression hit rock bottom i feel no joy in life or in absolutely anything i tend to wanna break up with my boyfriend every other week because i feel like a burden and just a draining person despite him telling me im not its hard to listen when my brain and depression make me feel terrible about being in a relationship even though hes the best and sweetest person and so understanding and caring but everytime i wanna breakup my gut tells me this is the love of your life wtf are you doing and my brain tells me do it do it you are hurting him, so i dont really know what to do or how to tell my brain that i love him so much and this is the person i wanna marry and have a family with . i know this is all apart of my depression but i dont want it to be anymore i dont like the pain or dread i feel towards everyone and especially not him since i dont wanna push him away or loose him

[Legna69]

Hi, I just joined also. Do not push him away, I did that and lost the love of my life, I did not let him know the extent of my disorder and he went straight into someone else's arms and in less than 6 months she married him and now I still want him and he wants me (after the fact that I finally explained the whole situation to him). I thought I was going to be a burden also that is the reason why I kept away from him but it was the opposite when he found out he said he loved me don't matter what, the only thing is he thought I didn't love him because I don't show my feelings and I don't communicate and because of this I lost him. Don't make the same mistakes I made, especially if he knows about your issues and is supportive. I suffer from depression, anxiety and OCPD, plus I am a single parent and my son has bipolar disorder and schizophrenia, (which made my depression etc. worse).

[Hidden in reply to Legna69]

thank you i cant loose him he means the world and i know how in love i am i just hate the feeling or not feeling like i love him or wanna be with him because my depression makes me feel that way alot lately when it wouldnt do that before to me

[Legna69 in reply to Hidden]

I felt that same way, sometimes I still feel like that, the bad thing is I cant let go of him and vice versa, so we are still seeing each other but its not the same because as I said before he got married, throwing away a 6yrs relationship for one less than 6 mths because he thought I didn't love him plus he had a little birdie whispering that in his ear also and as a stupid man he believed and did a rebound marriage. But I'm optimistic, I'll wait and see if love is real he may come back.

[Hidden in reply to Legna69]

yeah i just need to get out of this major depression and feel happier because im only 20 years old and i cant let this ruin my life more or try to ruin my relationship more because i have a good guy and ive had depression since i was 12

[Legna69 in reply to Hidden]

You are young, you can fight it, my son is 24 and he has bipolar and schizophrenia, he had it since he was a kid but I only found out in 2018 when he tried to commit suicide. He is on medication and doing okay now; so once you take your meds everything should be fine. I am on meds also, they work once I remember to take them.

[Livelydively]

Depression is so difficult because it feels like we will be stuck in the same moment forever. I try to focus on little things that make me grateful. I started doing the 2 minute journal and it has really helped me. Maybe start really small and plan a 5 minute activity that will help bring you joy or calm your mind. Meditation, coloring, going for a walk, petting my cat and hugging my kids are a few of mine. Ti hope you find something that helps. Maybe you could incorporate some things that involve your boyfriend like face timing with him while you both color. Best wishes.

[lovetodance2018]

Welcome to HU! I am glad you reached out here. Are you in counseling for your depression? Are you on medication? It is wonderful you have a boyfriend who loves you and cares. You need that support. When we are depressed we don't see things clearly. You have a lot to offer and are special. I had to learn not to allow the depression to take over. I hope you are getting help. These three exercises really help me when I am struggling, I hope you find them helpful too.

1) The 557 breathing technique is take 5 deep breaths in while thinking good thoughts about yourself like I matter, I am special, I am strong and then hold the breaths for the count of 7 focusing on those words about yourself, then let out the breath slowly for 5 seconds letting go of any anxious, self-defeating, unhealthy thoughts. I do this one to three times a sitting.

2)The gratitude journal is writing down something good every morning and night something that went well in the day, or something I appreciate about myself. Taking our focus off of the anxiety and depression and focusing on positive uplifting things really helps. What you think is what you believe. So thinking uplifting things you believe those things but the reverse is true - thinking negative self-defeating things, you will believe those.

3) Emotional Freedom Tapping -You tap on specific pressure points while you repeat positive uplifting things to yourself. bit.ly/3z5CeIu

I will be praying for you. Feel free to pm me if you'd like to chat. Hugs and God Bless

[lovetodance2018]

How are things going? I have been praying for you. Hugs