Drowning 2 meters before the finish line. 😞

[Enigma133]

Hi everyone. Newbie here. Have posted on anxiety and chronic pain channels before, but never here.

I had a hard life with just crazy traumatic things happening far too often, but I was lucky to have parents that valued education. It was mostly stick & very little carrot for me, but at least I was pushed to get a good education. Then I got married, had a kid, and my then-hubby revealed what an ass he really was. After fighting for our family a few years, I finally realized it was a 1-sided fight, then went through a horrible divorce. Then 9/11 happened. Then I realized what living with an alcoholic really meant (my brother in law), and that was a difficult choice because my daughter was an extremely difficult child to raise. But eventually I couldn't deal w/ the situation anymore & he left. He died 3 years later. Meanwhile I had contracted this mysterious chronic lower back pain that I saw multiple doctors for, none of whom could tell me what caused it or what I could do to make it better. No one I ever worked for or SSD has ever recognized my suffering as anything worse than a simple scratch, so no help from anyone. Even my friends and family have refused to empathise with me, much less do anything to help.

Everyone has been on my back to get a job - like at Buckeyes, where I wouldnt last one shift without rolling on the floor crying, so I reached for the only possible solution - get a student loan to go to grad school for cybersecurity management at Tulane - via computer. Things started out hard but I was getting the hang of it when COVID hit. Everything changed, I lost many resources Tulane had given me my 1st year, and the increasing isolation since has sent me into a downeard spiral! At this point, I'm a couple weeks from graduating, but am way behind on my work. These days when I try to read about new information I'm not familiar with, I immediately break down into a panic attack! It's so hard to work through that and actually understand the material enough to do the assignment. I'm so close to finishing, but to me it feels like I'm still a million miles away. 😣

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I’m praying you’re doing ok now and are working. Praying your back isn’t as painful. Life can be so hard.

[Mrspjsmom]

Welcome. I'm sorry you have been through so much and I can relate to so many things you wrote about. But this is about you. Is it possible you are having panic attacks because you are close to finishing and don't know what you will do after you graduate? Are you afraid the pressure to find a job will intensify from the people around you? I could be wrong but am asking because I experienced something similar. You can do this. You can get that degree. Your post shows a strong person who has been through alot. I hope you find the support you need in this group. There are many kind people who will help in any way they can. People who live with anxiety and depression and understand. I apologize for my long reply but I also wanted to let you know you have a wonderful writing style. I wish you success. HUGS and BLESSINGS!