STIGMA FURY: My daughter is a... - Anxiety and Depre...

Anxiety and Depression Support

63,317 members62,261 posts

STIGMA FURY

Mrspjsmom profile image

My daughter is a Cardiovascular ICU nurse in a hospital. Last week she was prescribed an antibiotic for strep throat. Now she has been tested for coronavirus and is waiting for results. I'm not supposed to know because of my anxiety and depression. My husband has been in contact with her almost every day. So has my son. But not me. The only reason I know is because my husband finally updated me yesterday after he realized I had figured out something was up by the way everyone was acting. He told me not to tell anyone I knew. If she is positive I can deal with that. I'm actually relieved she has been tested. Better to be cautious and get tested. But I am angry and hurt. I feel like I am not a part of my own family. I have done my best to educate them. Tell them what meds I take and why. Tell them what coping tools help. But obviously it has fallen on deaf ears. I have anxiety and depression and the world looks at me differently. I thought my family had at least a glimmer of understanding but obviously I was wrong. I'm tired of trying to be included. I am out of ideas. I don't mean to sound as if this is all about me. Of course I am concerned about my daughter and hoping and praying she is ok. It just hurts terribly knowing I have to pretend instead of leaving a gift bag by her door with comfy pajamas and food. My husband actually begged me NOT to do that because then she'll realize he told me. Rant over. Thanks for listening.

36 Replies

hi yeah in some quarters there will be a stigma attached to it and that is ignorance and wrong your dearest daughter is in the front line saving countless lives and that should matter most if anything she is a hero.

Mrspjsmom profile image
Mrspjsmom in reply to kenster1

Thank you I am very proud of her. I will wait this out quietly. Was just caught off guard by how much my own family has bought into the stigma .

I really understand how you feel. Try talking it quietly through with your husband and explain how you feel and perhaps he will understand and let you leave the gift bag.

Your husband and children are amazing to do the jobs they do and you are amazing to support them through it all and cope during this terrible pandemic when you have anxiety and depression. I know what you mean about your family not understanding as my husband is the same. I think perhaps they are being over protective which is at least meant kindly but I do understand how that will make you feel angry and upset.

Very best wishes to you all.

Kim

Mrspjsmom profile image
Mrspjsmom in reply to Kkimm

Thank you. I think at this moment the best thing to do is wait it out and pray for my daughter. I have been given no other choice. If I don't wait it out quietly there is a chance I will get no further information.

It’s taken me many years, a lot of crying, screaming and even throwing things in anger to get my husband to come down to my level. He still doesn’t understand it fully, he can’t empathize (he admitted he can’t do that to me just last week).

What he will do is try protect me at all costs even if it’s wrong. And a lot of times it is wrong, I’ve had to accept. Acceptance has broken a barrier, not cured it, but made it better.

I have no answers, but offer support and any words of encouragement and support. 💜🌸💜🌸

Edit... I hope your daughter doesn’t have it, sending my best wishes to you.

Mrspjsmom profile image
Mrspjsmom in reply to

Thank you. I will wait this out quietly and pray a lot. Being able to share my frustration helped a lot.

in reply to Mrspjsmom

You don’t want to be excluded, what modification you need to do to assure your husband or rest of your family includes you and not tries to protect, upset, etc.. will be up to you. It’s okay if they see you differently, they don’t have to understand although I know how deeply it feels if they don’t. Like my husband, he just sees disability, but if I engage with him with what seemingly is a clearer head (although what’s going on inside us is all but that) he responds differently.

Share your frustrations here any day. We all get it, when others don’t.

It really annoys me that some folk seem to think that they have to " protect " others from the truth.

What IS IT with them ?!!

So annoying.

xx

Hope she's OK.

Thank you.

She's your daughter. You brought her into the world, through babyhood and beyond.

And what a great job you did - just look where she is now.

Of course you want to 'be there' for her at this time.

I think I would go and leave that gift bag . . . . . . and, of course, keep praying.

Praying for her now too. x

🎁

It may just appear. I have some things to drop off to my son too.

I got a phone call today from a relative to tell me my uncle aged 98 is in hospital with the virus and so is his son my cousin.

Dolphin14 profile image
Dolphin14 in reply to kenster1

I'm sorry to hear that Kenster

So sorry x

Mrspjsmom profile image
Mrspjsmom in reply to kenster1

So sorry to hear about your Uncle and cousin. HUGS!

I would use this as an opportunity to get these feelings out. I would tell my family I want the truth, always.

I would let them know I will figure out the rest.

They may see you as more fragile than you may feel? I just think it's the perfect time to re educate.

I would bring that gift to my daughter. I would tell her I understand her concern but in the future would rather know the truth.

Take care of yourself.

Mrspjsmom profile image
Mrspjsmom in reply to Dolphin14

Thanks. I've tried that approach in the past and obviously it didn't work. But I will figure this out. But today I am going to enjoy the sunshine. It's supposed to rain the rest of the week. May even get snow.

it gets worse my cousin and his wife had been showing symptoms of the virus but didn't get tested but self isolated.my uncle lives alone but had carers come in 4 times a day but they had stopped coming because of my cousins symptoms.so my 98 year old uncle was left at home more or less alone.one of my other cousins went to his house and found him badly bruised as he had an accident and it was only when he went to hospital they discovered he had the virus meaning it was more than likely my cousin did have the virus after all.my sister phoned another aunt and she said she doubts he will make it we live and hope.

This is so awful. His carers should have continued to care for him, so wrong.

Not being able to visit will be so hard for you all too.

All we can do now is pray. Ask for a miracle.

x

ps

Are they together in the hospital? Hope they are in the next bed/cubicle to each other. x

not sure about that mary the aunt that I spoke to never said but another relative my sister spoke to just said my uncle if my cousin self isolated his symptoms would have cleared probably but the aunt I spoke to said he did I suppose tonight/tomorrow will be touch n go.

We have to keep praying, never give up hope.

Mrspjsmom profile image
Mrspjsmom in reply to kenster1

How awful! Your Uncle deserved to be treated much better. Heartbreaking to think of the way people treat each other when we should be helping each other through this.

kenster1 profile image
kenster1 in reply to Mrspjsmom

as my sister said he is tough as old boots survived tripe heart bypass broke his hip not even a year ago and survived something my dad didn't so heres hoping he makes it through this.

Poodie profile image
Poodie in reply to kenster1

Hi ken.

I am so sorry for this development in your family. I will say a prayer for everyone. You take care and let us know what’s happening there!

❤️

Hi kenster1

How is your Uncle?

How is your Cousin?

Have you phoned the hospital today to enquire - get an update ?

x

Any news kenster1 ?

It's just been on TV that a 97 yr old woman has recovered from the virus.

Hi Mrspjs.

I am sorry and I hope she is negative. If you do wait it out, you may one to take it up with them after the anxiety of waiting passes. Just try leveling with them until they listen to you. Best wishes to you. A big thank you to your daughter.

Take care ❤️.please keep us posted on the results and what you decide to do.

I pray that you’re daughter Test is Negative. 🙏. I understand why your family leaves you out? This happens to me too. We get on everyone’s Nerves. They can’t handle how we are? You just have to accept it? Have you gotten counseling?

I feel the same way, it is far worse not to know then to know, mothers have great instincts knowing something is wrong. If it was me I’d let them all know this. This is your daughter, and mothers want to do what they can do to help their children. I didn’t have a situation like yours with a sick child, but I did have many secrets between my birth family that was very hurtful, besides abuse. I never ever trusted them, my entire life, now I want nothing to do with them.Go leave her something at her door, your are her mother, she was in your belly for months. If she is a mother too, she will understand, if not she should appreciate how much you love her,❤️

So much good advise in all the replies. I struggle with anxiety and depression as well. Plus I have hearing loss. I am left out of a lot. What I did tonight when I was sad and hurt by my daughter is I opened up my prayer journal couch which I haven’t written in for a very long time. I poured out my thoughts on paper to my Heavenly Father who loves me and understands me even when my family doesn’t. When I was done I felt a huge weight of my heart.

Praying for you and your entire family. Be patient with everyone especially yourself. And try to do a little something that brings you joy, that doesn’t have to do with anyone else just you. Just something for you and you Alone. And it can’t be doing something for someone else. Much love and peace.

It seems like your family loves you and is trying to protect you from worry and negative thoughts, be thankful. I know it is hard when we worry about family members at this time .

Look at it this way they are not keeping you out of a loop, they will have told you given time.

Has your Daughter had the results yet ?

BOB

Hi mrspjsmon,

I’m sorry you feel so neglected in knowing the truth about your daughters health.

That your family didn’t want you to know.

That must make you feel sad and even more anxious!

But now that you Do know, if you want to be included in the future, you need to stop and look at why your family stopped giving you information in the first place.

Have you taken over or told adults what to do, instead of letting them talk and decide for themselves what They want to do?

Did you have emotional outbursts that ended up putting more of the attention on you, that on the person who actually had the problem?

Did you rant on And on about it when others had done their research quietly and were waiting for test results to come back?

One thing I’ve learned in life, is that we all need to continually examine our behavior, admit past mistakes and try to avoid doing the same things again that bother people.

Do you go off the deep end when those you love are hurting?

If so, understand that that behavior is not at all helpful.

It just makes others not want to tell you things in the future.

Well, now that you know that your daughter is waiting results, you can use this time to prove to everyone that you too are capable of gently waiting it out.

Tell your daughter that you are aware of what’s going on, and that you know she’ll be ok, even if she does have it.

Ask her to please let you know the results, and in the meantime, don’t discuss it with anyone but your friends here.

Try to be gentle and keep your tone of voice light.

Realize That even if she does have it, she will 99% chance of being fine.

Focus on the positives in your life.

Don’t dwell on the WHAT IFS because sitting around thinking that the worst will happen is definitely a waste of time.

Show your family that you can be cool under stress while being positive for all,

which is what we all need at times of worry.

You got this! ❤️

My daughter's test was negative. She reports to employee health tomorrow then back on the front line. When she called I asked her if she wanted me to wake her Dad up. When she said not to I came right out and asked her if she had gotten her results. She was suprised but told me they were negative. I calmly told her I loved her, was glad the results were negative and even though it had been frustrating for her I was glad they tested her and were cautious with her health. I then explained that I had cornered her Dad because I knew something was off by the way everyone was behaving and that made me worry far more than knowing the facts. Also told her I will be cooking Easter dinner and if she can't join us I would make sure she got dinner. Thank you so much for your support and advice. It has been a difficult few days but I think I have shown my family I'm not as frail as they think I am. HUGS and BLESSINGS! ❤

Agora1 profile image
Agora1 in reply to Mrspjsmom

I'm happy for both you and your daughter. Never think for a minute

that you are fragile. We are made of tough stuff :) xx

Personally I don't like that he wants you to lie basically. She needs her mom and a fluffy robe. And it sounds like they all could use a reality check that you are capable of handling it gracefully.

You may also like...