Hi everyone, I don’t want to be a nuisance, but I feel like I can’t take anymore. I don’t see the point in trying. Everyone I love, everyone I’ve worked so hard for , everyone I try to please just don’t feel the same about me , I bend over backwards for people but they don’t care about me at all. My beautiful children are a mess mentally , they’re 18 , 21 , and 23 , I’m trying to be strong , I’ve exhausted myself trying to be the best mum ever doing all the right things but it appears I haven’t . The only reason I’m staying alive right now is so I don’t affect anyone. I’m sorry, but I need someone to tell me to hang in there
Going back down again : Hi everyone, I... - Anxiety and Depre...
Going back down again
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Mumma_h
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57 Replies
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Interested cos I also have children almost 18, 21 and 23. You though seem to have a lot more going on otherwise than I do. I would be so stressed in your situation. I have just joined a group through a local Mental health Engage organisation. They meet on Zoom, have discussions, and do some writing. I also find listening to Podcasts on various topics helps me.
Thanks for your reply foxylox , I’ll try to do something that puts my mind in a more positive state . My life has turned out horrendous, I don’t understand, I tried so dam hard , I see friends who don’t spend time with their kids , don’t put nearly as much effort in as I have and yet they’re all ok , maybe that’s my problem, trying too hard . I’m kind of jealous. I tried to be the best mum , good home , welcome in friends, talk with them , cool clean, love them with my heart and soul , but something very very serious has come to light recently that shocked me so much I collapsed, my daughter hates me for it but I didn’t mean to. My son recently cut his own throat, several times ,the psychiatric ward let him out 3 days later , it’s a miracle he’s alive , it’s horrific!! My life has gone to complete hell , and more importantly theirs . How the hell did this happen to us !!!!
That is so scary, and I can kind of empathise. I think my eldest daughter used to self-harm, and I have a suspicion my youngest might too. My youngest attended counselling sessions two years ago, but then got fed up of them. She felt her counsellor was only speaking from book learning.. I can understand her frustration with sthat. What happened with your son could happen to any of us.
I too, tried very hard, but I used to feel guilty cos I couldn't make friends, people don't seem to welcome me too easily. As a result my kids wouldn't have many kids calling regularly. I. Used to feel jealous because a couple of people with the most awful personalities in my opinion seemed to have no bother making friends. My son used to blame me for that. I couldn't force people to like me.
Why do you say your daughter hates you for what happened your son though?
By the way my username is Roxylox, Foxylox sounds very good though, like a character from a children's book, gave me a laugh 😂
Thanks so much , Roxylox ( that’s funny I called you foxylox , sorry, does sound like a kids book character 😆). Sorry for late reply , I had to drop my daughter off at a 18th birthday and decided to go in and chat with other mums to do something to help stop me spiraling into depression again. I feel a bit better just knowing there’s really good people out there ,that care about other people, thankyou so much . I tried sooo hard , I put sooo much pressure on myself too be a perfect mum well that’s worked well (not). My family is so mentally unwell, I have to keep fighting for us though. I was badly mentally abused by husband, extremely bad !! But cos he only hit me a couple of times I didn’t realise it was abuse,he was terrifying . It destroyed our lives . Seeing domestic abuse counselor soon . No one really believed me either so I believed I was just a bad wife. I hope we can get back to the people we were intending to be
I mean intended
I m very late getting back to you, had a Zoom a walk with my sister. I was in process of replying when my husband came in for dinner. He doesn't even know about this site. I think he would consider it gobbledegook. He gives out about how much time I spend on my phone, he's probably right.
I've just read the posts on your crisis. Hope you're all ok now
Hey roxylox, last night I was doing ok , woke up this morning feeling terrible, anxious, lonely , depressive feeling sinking in , it’s horrible. Scared and lost , hopefully will pass. It’s like that feeling of being dumped and heartbroken, I don’t know why . ☹️
Sorry to hear that. Its just 6.39 Am here now - time difference, so just seen. You might be asleep now for all I know. Any time you need to vent, post, at the moment I'm quite free
Thanks rocxylox , yes big time difference, so won’t keep you now . Why is life so dam hard , I’m fighting for it , for my family and myself. Trying to stay positive and hopeful 😍
I just had a little go at my husband about things to be done in the house. Things don't get done up here till they've almost fallen down. They are relatively minor issues I know, as he works hard and is kind.I am glad you are trying to be positive, I can see how hard things are for you when you are doing your very best
As someone else on here said, you should try to make more me time, you really need it
Oh my gosh. Hang in there!!! Seriously mean that. Hold on! It is worth it.
Mumma_h• in reply to
Thankyou so much good hair day , I feel a bit better just for getting a response from you lovely people
• in reply toMumma_h
You're welcome 😁
Mumma_h• in reply to
Thankyou , everyone’s kind words are really helping me I appreciate it ❤️
“The only constant is change”; someone recently said that to me. I used to be a people pleaser and in the process lost respect for myself. I have learned that we can only do our best, with the knowledge and experience we have, on any given day. Some things will always be out of our control. We do need to take care of ourselves...like on any airplane with putting the oxygen mask on ourselves before our children. Physically, mentally and spiritually we need to feed ourselves. If we want other people to like us, we need to like ourselves...sometimes that requires a little outside guidance like a counselor or spiritual advisor? I think sometimes we put more blame on ourselves than we deserve and don’t give ourselves enough credit for we do in this life. Balance is key for me...I always have something to be grateful for; and I always something I can work on. Hang in there; keep reaching out; you have a lot on your plate but you are not alone. Sending hugs and prayers.
Absolutely! Great reply and I totally agree with you. If we don't respect ourselves how can we expect others to?
Thankyou hest321 , I get what your saying. I think I’m starting to believe it 😄, I’m trying. Bad mental abuse from husband, I swear it wasn’t just a bad relationship,It was terrible terrible abuse that I’m only starting to believe myself. Going to domestic violence counselor soon . I can’t talk to normal counselors about it cos it’s too bad.
Hang on in there. I get from your post that you put everyone else's needs before your own. I think women especially with children tend to do this. As you have found it doesn't work well. You create children who rely on you and expect more than you can give.
You need to be firm and put your own needs first when you need to. You need ME time when you can recharge. I know it seems selfish but it's not - it's self preservation. After all if you are happier then those around you are happier too so it's a win win.
Your children are technically adults now and maybe they see this as interfering? Like all of us they have to make their own mistakes in life and you can't and shouldn't be protecting them from life's lessons. You aren't doing them any favours are you.
I am not saying this is easy - far from it but it is essential you start working on it. Incidentally when you start respecting yourself more you will attract more respect from others! Sounds daft but I have found it to be very true.
Stop trying to be the strong one all the time is my advice. I hope this helps a bit. Take care.
Thanks hypercat , I’m trying hard . My daughter has epilepsy which has limited her , but must teach them to be strong and resilient too . I over compensated because there dad was either mentally abused be to me or absent. I’m only just realising it really was terrible abuse because he did not bash me like some poor women have . If I think about a man doing that to another woman I see clearly it 100%abuse , no doubt . But hard to believe it happened to me . I was terrified of him , he didn’t need to hit me , because I did everything he said because he’s so big and terrifying
Yes many parents do try and compensate for other's behaviour. They think they are being selfless and self sacrificing and it assauges their feelings of guilt. You feel you are helping your children overcome trauma
But when you really think about it then you realise it is actually selfish and and much more about you than your kids. An important part of being a parent is preparing your children for adulthood and teaching them good values and encouraging them to learn their lessons in a safe environment where you are there for support.
If you don't then you can end up with ungrateful and unappreciation from them instead. They end up spoiled and have to learn many of life's lessons in the hard cold world instead which is much harder. I think a lot of parents do this I am not blaming you in any way shape or form as you are a victim too.
Having said that I am in no way criticising you for doing this and I greatly admire you for realising that you husband is so toxic. I hope he is very firmly an ex?
I get what your saying, just felt so bad for my kids because my husband could be mean to them too, there was little love there from their father . I cannot forgive myself for staying so long in that marriage.... clearly need help and I’m getting it now from Counselors , the guilt is killing me , that’s what sent me into my first terrible depression, therefore overcompensating more and more , I exhausted myself doing this . Soooo complicated but am determined to do my best to get us all on track and as mentally healthy as we can be . Thank you for your response, no offence taken at all , glad for any feedback ❤️
Thank you for that. I wasn't sure if my words came over as too harsh or critical and I am glad you read them in the way I intended.
I wonder if your husband was a narcissist? Look online as there is lots of info about them. These types of people can be very charming especially when they are 'love bombing' you. They can be very nice and charming when they want to be and you think they have changed. They do for a while then always revert back to their true nature.
It is very confusing and that is their intent. A lot of partners stay because they are emotionally abused and not sure what is real and what isn't any more. They make you dependent on them. Don't blame yourself please as they are very good at manipulating people to get what they want.
Have a look at this. There is lots of info on PsychCentral as well.
lifehack.org/796353/narciss...
You would not believe this !!! I can barely believe it myself!!! Is this coincidental???? He just sent me a war video out of the blue, it’s terrifying!!! My heart is racing , it scared the absolute shit out of me !! I’m completely safe !!! What the hell !! I’m keeping this for the authorities. What the hell ???
Oh yes. That's classic narcissistic behaviour.
Im shaking , but I have proof of what he does to me!!! Seriously , what hell ???
Don't respond or react to it. Block him everywhere.
That’s it !!! That makes sense to me , that’s how I felt. Confused between what was real and what wasn’t and I became completely dependent on him . I have looked up narcissism and it sounds exactly like him . Huge ego ,to the Point of getting violent if he was undermined ever. So I just didn’t complain, too scared to do that . I’ll have at that link . Definitely no offence taken as I said , I’ll take any advice I can get , not a time to feel criticised, our lives st the moment are too important for that . Nearly lost my son , it’s a miracle to me that he’s here .
Good. I'm glad to have helped a bit. I would do a lot more reading about it as it will help you to understand it much better.
You will also see lots of articles about why people stay with an abusive partner.
Wow !!! I will read why a person stays with an abuser , you have lots of insight . Sorry if I’m taking up your time but you’ve just helped me so much, everything is becoming clear tonight . My suicidal son is with him right now, my sons choice , the one that cut his own throat a few weeks ago . I’m shaking, considering calling police but my son doesn’t have a phone for me to call him , it’s all through his fathers phone , and he’s absolutely blind drunk it’s 2am where I am . I think hel be safe tonight, my husband is careful to not get caught so won’t physically harm him . Gotta get him out if there !!! Sooo scared for him . This is not good,I just noticed I’m dizzy cos I’m breathing so heavy, I didn’t even notice. I’m being level headed though , must stay calm and focus for my sons welfare . He knows what his dad is like and will be scared not to tic him off so hel just stay quiet til his dad passes out . I can do this , I’m being strong, ive got this. If I call police hel put my son in the street in the middle of the night or lose it with him if he knows I’ve called police. This is scary , I’m calling abuse hotline now for help and advice 💕
Sweet friend, I am so sorry you are going through so much. I have been there and it's awful. What I found helpful for me was seeing a therapist and getting on an antidepressant. Have you tried either of these? Do you have a therapist you could talk to and a medical doctor you could see? If you would like to talk to a therapist who is professional and licensed at no cost to you, please let me know and I can connect you with someone. I am sending a huge hug your way!!!
Oh my goodness alifran , you’re so kind !’ I’m seeing a counselor and it’s helping. I had to when my son self harmed , what he did was horrific , it’s shocking to see , he nearly died. I’m in shock , my poor son !!! My poor kids , were so traumatised. The guilt is killing me too , why did I stay with my husband???? Why ??? I though maybe he just didn’t love me but it was more than that . We’re you mentally abused?? You don’t have to answer that if you don’t want to , I just Havnt spoken to anyone before who’s been through the same thing
Thankyou sooooo much lessthanone , everyone’s kind words are really helping me !!!❤️
Hang on . Please know that i am thinking of you and your sons ❤️ . Your not gonna fight alone . We’ll fight with you ❤️🫂
Oh my goodness!! Thankyou sooo much . You are all so kind and understanding. I hope I can repay you all soon. You’re all helping so much !!!❤️
Your welcome ❤️ My friend is fighting his own battle too but he has hope you should have hope hopefully things will be alright with your son .
And yes I’m on a small dose antidepressant, but going to the doctor to get it increased, I must do what I can to help myself ❤️
Well it sounds like it's time to rest and take care of yourself. Your kids are grown and should be able to handle themselves, at least for a week or so. Take some pressure off of yourself. You don't need to be perfect or super mom all the time. Sometimes it's okay to take a step back and set that boundary and say I need some me time. That is okay. You are not selfish for doing so. Take some time for you so you can start to see the things you enjoy again. And remember, all relationships are a two way street. Even if you are related to them they can still be bad for you. My sister and parents are all abusers who have used me. My dad used to beat me. My sister has gaslit me and manipulated me for years. And my mom is emotionally manipulative and emotionally abusive. I have to put distance between myself and them because they made me carry all their burdens and it broke me because no one can carry the weight of others forever. Take some time for you. Get some self love and compassion going. And remind yourself to have moments that are just for you. You deserve that.
Mumma_h• in reply to
Dear end of heartache, thankyou so much for your response, so so generous of you, everyone here is so kind I’m so grateful ❤️!! You’re right, I need time . I’m emotionally exhausted!! I’m sooo tired. I have so much pressure , but I don’t know how to stop , it feels so wrong to take time for myself, but I am sooo tired . All the comments I’ve heard from family and friends run through my head daily. I take them so seriously. Like ‘ don’t you think it’s time to give men a rest ‘ ( I’ve only had 2 relationships, my first love who I had 2 children with and then my husband of 20 years, who was very abusive) . It still affects me as all I heard was I’m a sl......, and I’m pretty sure that’s what she meant. Or ‘wrap your life around your children’so that’s what I’ve done, but look at the state we’re in so all I hear is ‘bad mother’. These comments have scarred me deeply, I don’t know why . So many more comments. I’m confused as I’ve done all these things . Separated from husband years ago and Havnt even considered dating. I exhaust myself for my kids , cooking ,cleaning , renovated my home with my own hands to give them a lovely home . Spent all I have on music lessons and , cos that’s the right thing to do, for example, spent a lot of time outdoors as that’s the right thing to do, the list goes on .... I don’t regret it and I’m not bitter I just don’t know where I went so wrong, but I have little respect in return. So many more examples. Or when my mother in law and mother had a long conversation in front of me how the young mums of today are lazy and they worked full time their whole lives , but at that time I had 4 children under 10 , and plus my nana took care of me when mum was at work , but when I asked would they babysit if they really thought I should work they looked at me in disgust and said no way , that’s your problem not our problem. Abusive husband who was sooo demanding and exhausting, I had to work around the clock for him ; get up at 5am to bake bread and make his lunch for work and then up all night with him blind drunk, catering to every whim because I was so scared of him . I’m still tired from that and still wake up at 5am even though we’re separated a few years now , I don’t want to wake up at that time , my body just does now , can’t sleep much . My head is jammed with so much pressure which makes me even more tired, I’m tired just thinking about it . I worked full time at the zoo , plus was the cleaner at my church ‘ so my days started at 6 and didn’t get home til 6 at night and still had a beautiful meal on the table , for a few years ,but had to leave when my daughter became epileptic, and go on carers pension and a friend under there breath said ‘milking it ‘ . I just don’t get it , nothing I do is good enough for anyone, but I don’t want to lose people or have them not like me . Sorry for big whinge , im just literally exhausted. I keep getting offered house cleaning jobs and say yes because I can tell that’s whats expected of me , but I can’t do it anymore, I’m exhausted!!! I cleaned a huge house the other day for lovely people, but I came home a mess . What’s wrong with me ??? I’m so scarred so broken, soo tired . I have no self respect and no one respects me . I even cleaned my best friends WHOLE house , I had to , my mentally ill son who lived there was in the psychiatric ward with extremely serious injuries, and could not let him go home to that , it was putrid, like seriously!!!! Sinks full of what was like sewage because the dishes hadn’t been done for months and months , cat pheses EVERYWHERE!!! You couldn’t even see the floor from garbage, and no food AT ALL . All while she sat there watching tv and asking me to get her food .....because i owe her for having my son . While her son who lives with me and is treated like gold and very lazy... so sorry for long post I just dont understand, I’m disrespected and sooo tired , I’m put down by friends and family,what’s wrong with me ??? What am I doing wrong??? Soooo tired !!!! My kids at home won’t help me AT ALL because they hate me,and their reasons might be valid , (their older brother abused them ) and I went to see him when he nearly died . I’ve found out since he was abused too . What the hell happened to my life ???? How did I go so wrong. I was sexually abused as a child and NO ONE cared , I was told don’t tell police or it would affect my abusers wife too much and was told she’s a lovely lady , but I know she new about it . Soooo sorry for long post I’m just done !! I hope no one I know is on this site , they’ll know exactly who I am , I doubt it though just paranoid. And now i feel terrible for being a pain in the .....here .
P.s when I found out there was sibling abuse I called police and had him removed from our room . It wasnt on going and happened when they were all very young . But I didn’t want to be like mother and not validate my children or not believe them . My my kids hate him and hate me . He is sooo sorry and I believe that’s why he’s suicidal, he’s doing horrible things to himself as self punishment.
• in reply toMumma_h
So first off you are not crazy. There is nothing wrong with you. You are a good person. And you are worthy of love care and respect. I need to make these things perfectly clear.
Second, fuck every single person in your life. Get new people. They are all trash and they don't deserve you in anyway shape or form. They are using you, ignoring your well being and holding you up on a pedestal to suit their own needs. I get not wanting to be alone and being afraid to lose people but answer me this question, is dying over people who don't care about your well being worth it?
Third, this is going to sound harsh but just read my words carefully and really hear what I have to say. You are letting these things happen to you. They demand and you just cave and say yes and do whatever they ask. You have done this your whole life. You asked where you went wrong, well the answer is simple. You lived for everyone else around you instead of for yourself. You need to set up boundaries and protect yourself because no one can sustain this. I tried the same thing for years and it destroyed me emotionally. It's not healthy and it's just not feasible. I know where you are coming from. You feel obligated and you feel like others will judge you. But the truth is if they are going to judge you for getting yourself healthy then they are not good people. You need a strong support network not a list of demands. Fuck them. they are all adults and can handle their own lives. Your friends want you to work fuck them let them work. Your mother in law and mother want to bitch, fuck them they don't need to be in your home. And if they have such a big issue they can get their fat lazy asses up and do some work. Fuck them. You need to take care of you and be there for you. You matter. You are valid. You are a human being who is being treated like a subhuman and that is not acceptable.
So you have two options, continue as you are and get worse until you eventually just collapse under the weight of it all. Of start saying no. Start setting up boundaries. Start putting yourself first. Get the toxic people out of your life and find those who will care for you. Your life is your own. Live it for you. Yes you have kids and yes you should be their for them but you can never make them your life. That is not how this works. You raise them as best you can. And when they are old enough you are a support for them but they need to make their own choices just like you need to make yours. As far as the kid who is living with you. He either contributes or he gets out. Simple. Your friend lives in a mess then that is the way it stays. Your mother in law says something stupid tell her to shove it and if she thinks she can do better she is more than welcome to try. The only way you are going to be happy is to work for you. I am not saying this is going to be easy. It takes time to undo the damage from all the abusers but you need to take those initial steps. Do what you can for you. Practice self care. Practice self compassion and your life will change dramatically for the better. You are a good person. You have done nothing wrong. You are deserving of love and compassion. You are a human being and you are exhausted. It is allowed and that is not selfish.
Mumma_h• in reply to
You just made me smile big time , and laugh at all the swearing 😆!! You are absolutely right !! I get it !! It won’t stop until I stop saying yes yes yes to everyone’s little whim . What you said sunk in !! No one has said it like that before!! It’s killing me slowly and everyone will blame me if I become unwell anyway, so what really is the Point of me living this way !! My best friend of 30 years just turned her back on me because I was apparently rude to her son , when she yelled at my son constantly , and I’m pretty sure she gave my son drugs , what the hell????? I was shocked but she told me to burn in Hell forever where I belong, 30 years of friendship gone in a blink . But you know what ? I don’t need her . I don’t need this. You said you use to be like this , did you lose people when you changed ? How did you handle it ?
• in reply toMumma_h
I have lost everyone I have ever cared about or loved. I didn't handle that well but I am adamant that I deserve more than what I was being given so it's okay. I now am getting people who want to see me thrive and have a happy healthy life and this what I truly need. It's not fun or easy to lose those you care about but if they are bad for you it's necessary. You will find others who do care about you for you and who will help you in any way they can.
Mumma_h• in reply to
I’m not dead yet 😆so I can make good friends, but I must not do the same as I have done with my current friends and please them to my own detriment , it’s going to be a hard habit to break , it’s so deeply ingrained, it’s a huge part of who I am . It’s not just the physical stuff it’s agreeing with everything and everyone in conversation..... I don’t even know how to do it without being rude or hurting people’s feelings, I do t take offence to people’s opinions so may e I can friends that don’t tKe offence to mine . Life long habit , this won’t be easy !!!
• in reply toMumma_h
It won't be but it will be worth it. You are worth it and your opinions and feelings matter too. You are great and admitting you are worth more than what you are getting is a great first step. So I am proud of you. It's the small things every day that we do that lead to the biggest changes. Remember that. And it's okay to falter sometimes we are human and we are not perfect. Be compassionate with yourself and keep moving forward.Always forward never back.
Opportunity• in reply to
Hellz yeah!!!! Love this!! 😄😄😄😄
Hmmm someone else agrees with end of heartache !! Interesting, think he they’ve got it right 😁❤️
Still thinking of you. Keep hanging in there!!! You can do it. It will get better. It will be worth it. I'm a big fan. I'm rooting for you. You can do it.
Mumma_h• in reply to
Thankyou soooo much !!! I’m wrecked, just getting by , and failing miserably ❤️
Please hang in there. I’m not sure if you’re religious or not, and hopefully this won’t offend you if you aren’t, but if God didn’t have purpose for you he wouldn’t keep you here. Everyday above ground is another day to conquer whatever beasts we are facing. Life isn’t always easy and I totally understand how you feel because I’m fighting a battle myself that seems never ending, but we have to keep pushing. You deserve to be here! You matter! You are important & I know you can make it!
I am a Christian, but failing that too , I walk to church, takes an hr , so I’m tired . A friend offered to fix my car I worked soooo hard for saved 15 thousand dollars so I’d finally have a car ,but it broke down, a friend offered to fix it , but did more damage so it’s in my garage for more than a year . I believe god has me and my family in his hands but everything’s getting worse not better, I’m soooo tired . Supposed to be there for ladies group in the morning,an hrs walk away , but I’m just exhausted!!! I’m so done with life . I love god but I don’t know what he wants from me anymore. These people at church are s huge support to me but I’m just so tired and I’ll seem ungrateful or not accepting the help if I dont show up , therefore that makes it my fault if I’m failing. Pressure EVERYWHERE. Even the counselor they recommended is expensive but I do it cos that’s the right thing to do
I totally understand wanting to give up because things get really hard. It makes it worse when you are a believer and have a rough time. I try to remind myself that God never said the weapons wouldn’t form, he did promise that they would not prosper though! It’s been a completely terrible week for me as well. I’ve been to the ER twice and a total of 3 this month just to be told I’m having bad anxiety. I’m usually able to manage it but it’s gotten so bad. Church and praying have been two things that have kept me a little sane. If walking to church is too far, do virtual! It’s been good for me and God can be in the midst of any situation. He hears you & he has his hands on you! DO NOT GIVE IN because tomorrow could be the day you breakthrough. I’m praying for your strength
Thankyou so much , I know I will keep going, I always do . And your right , things change tomorrow!! I’m so sorry you’ve been to ER. . I know how scary it is , I had a HUGE panic attack once and it was terrifying for me. Prayer coming your way , I do believe god can perform miracles. Sincerely hope your feeling better soon ❤️
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