I’m back...

[SnowWhite94]

Life is pretty bad again. I think for awhile there I was doing okay. But not anymore. I hate my job. I’m thankful to have one and income but my company is putting our lives at risk. they let us work from home for a month before ordering us back to the office in May. Now they’re covering up positive covid cases. And still forcing us to come to work even though it’s an office and there is no social distancing. I also just hate the job itself it’s boring and repetitive and I’ve been struggling there the past few months. I would quit but I need the money too much. And there aren’t a lot of places hiring right now because of everything going on. I’m still applying for new jobs but haven’t heard back... since I have health anxiety going to work is so draining and scary. I panic all day. And then I can’t see anyone outside of my inner family because I’m too afraid of passing it along unknowingly to someone else. So I’ve spent a lot of time alone... and watched everyone else go out and enjoy their lives.

i also had a love interest fall through. Do I know I’m better off without him? Yes. But it still hurts when you like them a lot and put in the time and effort. Luckily it wasn’t far along (only over a month in) I’d rather have this than have it happen down the road. But I’m still fighting the urge to reach out to him. Especially since he was one of the good and exciting things in my life right now. I try not to put my happiness into people but it’s hard when everything else sucks... you just want one thing to look forward to. He was that for me. I ended it too which is what makes it all the more frustrating and confusing...

Last night I got drunk for the first time in a year. From the build up of work and the love interest dying off just yesterday, I felt like I needed a drink but I regret it more than anything. This hangover is so much worse than I ever remember them being. And it’s not a physical hangover, it’s a mental hangover. I feel more depressed and anxious than I would on any other day. I know it’s worse because of everything going on and the fact that I’m on antidepressants (wellbutrin) but still. I’m trying to get through today but it’s really really hard. It’s hard seeing everyone out and about with their family and friends having fun. Even my own family has gone to a family party that I was too afraid to go to since a lot of my family is older. So I’m home alone and I just feel awful and I’m actually kind of worried about myself... which doesn’t normally happen.

I feel stuck and isolated and sick. And I feel the Sunday blues already coming on. The thought of going back to work on Monday is making me feel even worse. What am I doing with my life? What is the purpose? I’m wasting so much time and so much of my life at a place I hate. Is this just what life is? To be miserable? I feel like my life has just been absolute hell these last five years and I’m waiting for the light at the end of the tunnel. It seems like just when things start to get better they fall apart and get worse.

I don’t even feel like I’m making sense anymore. I feel almost out of body. I want to crawl out of my skin. I’m never drinking again lol. But even once this fades, hopefully by tomorrow, I’ll still have to return to my crappy job and life...

[Kainan]

Hey. You got this. keep ahold. You're still making an effort day to day, and that says a lot more about you than how you're feeling right now. These days are hard for everyone. There's certainly a light at the end of this, but it might not come as early as we think it will. It's a good idea to be kinder to yourself, and treat yourself to something you enjoy regardless of how you feel about your day. Gonna get through this. (hugs) to you..x

[SnowWhite94 in reply to Kainan]

Hi Kainan, thank you so much for your kind words. I honestly forget that just showing up every day and putting forth an effort means a lot. Even while I’m suffering. It’s gotta pay off at some point. As for the rest I’m definitely going to try and be kinder with myself and push myself to do the things I enjoy when I have the free time thank you again and hugs to you too

[Kainan in reply to SnowWhite94]

You’re very welcome 😊 Anytime! If you want to talk more, feel free to drop me a message

[Hidden]

Whew we relate a little too much. On this post. I drank too. No physical hangover but I feel ya on the mental one. I tend to forget alcohol is a depressant, and choose to turn to it, well I don't have an excuse as to why. This tends to be my drug of choice I guess. Oh how the co occuring disorders effect our lives. Anywho, that stinks alot about your job, I'm super vigilant about all this covid mess too. Maybe you can find some type of happiness talking in here with us to fill the void of social isolation. It stinks. And I just wanted to say a little something something about the guy you were talking about. I just wanted to say that I'm proud of you for leaving the relationship if it wasn't good for your that is a really hard thing to regardless of the the time frame. You were strong enough 💪 to know what wasn't good for, and it took courage to do what you did. But I'm rambling. I hope things start working out for you!!

[SnowWhite94 in reply to Hidden]

I’m sorry you’re dealing with that mental hangover as well, WeWillRise. I definitely have found happiness speaking with you and reveling in your support and comfort and sweet words thank you for offering friendship during such a lonely, scary time. It means a lot. Also thanks about the relationship thing. While I struggle in Lot of parts of my life i learned the very hard way when it comes to relationships and knowing my self worth. I’m glad i have that now. Of course it just still sucks since I have a big heart and fall easily... now I’m rambling anyways thank you so much for your comment. Really. It meant so much to me.

[Hidden in reply to SnowWhite94]

You're more than welcome, and it is so refreshing to see someone who knows their worth!!! If you ever need to talk please reach out, we can ramble to each other 😂

[Jello2000]

Hey SnowWhite94,

The reason I like this app is because you can anonymously relate to people in the weirdest ways. I know it may sound weird, but I am a high schooler and I really relate with the way you’re feeling.

The repetition of everyday, thinking about a love interest, and having bad hangovers (lol).

We are both going through really similar problems but they manifested in different ways. For now, I am forced to take certain classes I am not interested in because I need the credit. You have to stay with a job you don’t like because you need the money.

I can confidently say that one day we will both get past our shitty situations and learn from them.

It will pass, it will get better. For both of us. I guess for now it’s good to think of your situation like a dark cloud with a silver lining.

What doesn’t kills us makes us stronger. Right?

I’m sorry if this didn’t help, but I know you will get past this.

[SnowWhite94 in reply to Jello2000]

Hey Jello2000. I really appreciate you reaching out I may have some years on you but I’d say we def are having similar issues in our lives haha. I’m sorry your classes aren’t interesting and that you’re dealing with the love and hangover problems too. I really like the analogy of the dark cloud with the silver lining tho. With every dark cloud I’ll keep looking for that. Anyways. Thank you, really. It did help. I hope things get better for you too.

[Puzzled57]

I feel you in the job dept and fear of the virus. I left my job for 2 weeks because the anxiety was more than I could handle. I was ready to hurt someone. I work in the service industry and the number of people who care less about anything or anyone was getting out of hand. I have a grandchild and older parent that I have avoided seeing for months due to fear of being a carrier. I have tested negative and have to muster up strength to be with my mom this week for a surgery that she needs.

You are a strong person and I know I am too. This point in time makes it difficult for most people and I know that it will pass...eventually. There is solidarity in our anxieties 😊

[SnowWhite94]

Awe im sorry to hear you’re struggling with the same thing. I voiced my concerns to my hr department and they told me I could take unpaid leave till I feel comfortable. Won’t let me work from home even tho we did it before. It really doesn’t make any sense and I feel like companies/businesses/corporations just don’t care about their employees anymore. So it’s not fair you had to take that time too but I hope it helped. And I hope your moms surgery goes well! You definitely got this yes I’m hoping This awful time passes soon for all of us. Till then you’re right. We are strong. Thank you