Blaming Myself for Depression/anxiety

[formidible]

My depression and anxiety is still there and still gets really bad some days. I keep blaming myself for getting this way. I wouldn't want this on my worst enemy. I am so lonely with it sometimes. I have no contact with family members, live in my own and don't have any real local friends. Lockdown just making things worse. I'm making an attempt to change therapists at the moment. I want to feel better but I wake up every morning feeling low - so low I almost feel suicidal. I'm starting to think suicide is the only way out. No one understands my state of mind it seems and I feel in dispair some days. I've got a benzodiazepine dependency and GP wants me to start tapering. I've cut a half of 1mg so far (I'm now on 8 and a half mg Diazapam). I also take 30mg Mirtazapine and 25mg Quetiapine at night. It's so hard. Any advice or tips or support would be greatly appreciated. I try to be as optimistic as possible, but my real self seems to have disappeared and although I've managed to get out to the country today I still find myself ruminating on the past and thinking things will never change. I'm running away from myself because the past is so painful. I have trust issues with others. I am also so frightened to contact the crisis service.

[Mumma_h]

Hey formidable, im so sorry you are going through this . I’ve been there too and it’s terrible, I wish I didn’t but I do truly understand. I too blamed myself, which made my depression so much worse . I’ve been in that really bad place too , so I’m happy to talk with you , don’t hold back . Prayers coming your way 💕

[pink318]

Hi- I’m so sorry to hear that you are having a rough time. Continue to share here, online support groups like this can make you feel less lonely and not alone.

One of my sisters was diagnosed with anxiety and she used to have severe panic attacks. She has someone she trusts to talk to about her feelings and also a lifegroup that she meets online once a week. By having people to help her in her hard times help her to improve her mood. She now volunteers, has pets and enjoys her garden.

Please stay strong. I hope you will find comfort here. We are here for you. God bless you.

[MARYRD27]

I totally understand you. I have suffered from depression since I was a child. I started having panic attacks at age 13 and had them off and on until I was about 26. I rarely had another one until I was in my 40s. I found that they come on when I am very stressed and things are difficult in my life and the general anxiety can be overwhelming. I think it was the anxiety that made me so depressed.

I got on Zoloft at 44, but I became completely dependent on Xanax for 5 years. Fortunately, I successfully tapered off of it without any side effects. My extremely unhappy marriage ended and I started pursuing activities that I enjoyed. I started painting and gardening. I went back to work, but I began having horrible anxiety again in my 60s that made me wish I was dead.

Finally, when I was 64 a new therapist introduced me to The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook by Bourne and it was a life saver. I highly recommend it to everyone. I'm still on an SSRI and I still need the occasional Xanax, but I urge you to get the workbook and watch Dr. Tracey Marks videos on Youtube. You have to move the focus of all your thoughts from you to someone or something else. (Obviously easier said than done. I have the same tendency to ruminate.) Find a way to do something for others. I became a volunteer radio reader for sight-impaired and volunteered with migrants and refugees. I also volunteered with Habit for Humanity and took up ceramics. One of the things I like about ceramics is that it's fun to do and, because you are working side-by-side with others, you can choose how much interaction you want. As an introvert, I need a lot of down time. With a group art class, you can be around others, but not be expected to interact a lot as you are working on your own piece. So find something that you like and take a class. Things are finally opening back up again now that 40% of the adult population has been vaccinated.

[AddyA]

Hi Formidible As you are taking so many meds I wonder one of the meds is causing you anxiety. I am 45 and can only speak about my experience as last year I was a happy go lucky chap but from Jan onwards when I had stomach flu and then diverticulitis i had insomnia and started taking Mirtazapine 3.75mg (after zolpidem which stopped working after 26 days) and after few weeks starting having such a bad anxiety during night and day which I never had. I am attributing it to Mirtazapine as it has some effect on Histamine receptors in the brain at that dose and when I couldn’t sleep in the night after taking it it plays havoc on my body during the day and makes my anxiety go off the roof. I am also looking for some help like you. I am only sleeping on alternate nights for 3-4 hrs for the past 8 wks and really struggle during the days. I feel lonely at times too specially in the morning. I wonder anybody can help me.

[Rafiki11]

Sometimes the solution isn’t in the mind. It’s in the body. When painful history is pushed out of the mind to survive, that pain is stored in the body and can only be healed in the body. It is a natural survival strategy that is not your fault. However, now that you’re no longer in danger, it’s time to work hard to heal yourself.

Things like massage therapy, yoga, martial arts, running, and even theater can help heal the body, brain, and mind!