How covid has broken me.

[JEubanks]

Hi my name is Julie. I am 48 years old. And I’m about to lose everything. Before Covid I managed 4 hotels and am I relationship was about eight months old. My children are grown and have lives of their own. I raised very strong independent children. In my relationship there is a 14-year-old that I love helping Raise. At first when Covid hit I lost my job due to Covid. But that was fine. My partner had to have surgery and I would be there to take care of him. Then my unemployment ran out and I began to look for jobs. No I do not have a college education but I have worked and have many years experience in business management. I thought finding a job would be so easy. I applied for 80. I have 80 rejection rejection letters. I applied at a fast food restaurant and now I I work a drive-through window. In November last year my relationship began to suffer right after I began the job. I blamed it on many things I accused him of cheating. I’ve blamed it on my job. I blamed it on me not having enough money. Not being smart enough. Not keeping my house clean enough. My cooking not being good enough. Ended up directed all of my angers those I love. He had given me chance after to chance to change the angry part of me until 3 weeks ago when he said we needed time apart. So I left. Not thinking it would be long before he asked me back home. We have agreed to take things slowly. Date nights and all. Keep in mind I snap at work for anything I feel like is not going the way it should. I TRY TO BE 100% perfect in everything. There is so much to this story. A lot more than I can add here I am afraid. He and I started out with half the world against us to begin with because of circumstances. On Thursday night we had date night. I made him cry. I snapped at nothing. My anger bouts only last a few minutes then I feel a guilt that no one can understand. He is not the only target of my rages. They happen at work. At my daughters house where I currently camp on the couch. They happen when I am alone and driving I yell at cars. I get them in stores and everywhere. I began looking for help and have prayed a lot. I get no pleasure in music, movies, or games. Talk is all I can seem to find that helps any. I really wish we had groups that met in person. But again COVID. I could write a book on the past year, year and a half struggle. Anyone else experience anything like this. And yes I am seeking help with a psychiatrist.

[JEubanks]

I got the first dose. I have to get the second on the 22nd. I am only taking it because even tho me and my fiancé are living apart we will be going to Mexico soon. We are working on us. But I need to work on me more.

[Hidden]

I am sorry for everything you are going through. I am sending you a prayer that something will get better soon.💖

[JEubanks in reply to Hidden]

Thank you. I just hope it isn’t too late to save my relationship.

[Gentlespirit]

Are you a Covid long hauler or preexisting conditions or both? I'm glad your doing what tou can.

Some very devastating losses and issues your dealing wth and I hope there will be some resolutions and a happy not tragic ending.

[JEubanks in reply to Gentlespirit]

I don’t have nor have I ever had covid. Not the virus. But covid has affected me in many ways. Loss of job. Loss of self esteem. Loss of loved ones. Loss of the love of my life.

[Gentlespirit]

My empathy is all I can give right now.

[JEubanks in reply to Gentlespirit]

And I understand that. I feel the same. Sometimes that is all that is needed. Understanding. A mental boost. A push to get off my butt and do what I do best. Show the world that I can do this.

[Gentlespirit]

Relationship can be comforting provide solace and contentment and stabity yet can also be strained puzzling and heartbreaking too. Does anything last forever? Is it a cruel joke or a series of illusions or what?

[JEubanks in reply to Gentlespirit]

At times I have asked God what I did so wrong that I had to be punished so much. But this is not GOD. This is something sinister. Oh well. I am strong enough I will not let this break me down to a point where I cannot recover. Grand strides have been made the past few days. I can build from ashes. Once he realizes what he is loosing it may be too late. All I know at this point is if I mean anything to him he hasn’t shown it past week. But again. Oh well. I have infinite amounts of love for those in my life but I need to work on me. My meds arrive tomorrow.