Struggling again

[C1d3rg1rl]

So, I’ve felt my mood deteriorate over the last few weeks. I spend most of the time I’m not at work lying about my house having intrusive thoughts about being old and ugly and single, and how I’m not worth anything to anyone, and that I’m going to die a lonely old lady. I also have thoughts about all the different ways I could kill myself (I should point out this does not actually mean I’m going to do it).

I don’t know what to do about any of it. I’ve tried 3 different anti depressants over the years, none of which I felt made much of a difference and they all had crappy side effects, so I tapered off

I thought getting out of my desperately unhappy long term relationship and finally getting my own place would help but it seems to have made things so much worse

I’ve tried dating apps. That was a soul destroying few years, full of men who want sex with anything on offer and are quite happy to lie in order to get it. They made me feel even worse as I was naive enough to have a glimmer of hope and amazement that someone might find me attractive which got smashed into the ground repeatedly

Let’s face it, us older women are invisible in society anyway. Younger guys see us as a cliched joke, older guys tolerate us because they have to while secretly wishing they could have someone young and attractive. No guy has ever.approached me, even when I was younger, though I was even uglier then.

I’m at a loss. I just want someone to think I’m worth something for once in my life. Other people manage. Why won’t it happen for me?

[Hidden]

Hi C1d3rg1rl, I’m sorry for your troubles. In my opinion, external validation is not the way to go. A lot of people hate themselves, so expecting them to love you is a tall order. A better course of action may be to find worth in yourself & let the chips fall where they may.

I hope I’m not minimizing your concerns—that’s not my intention. As a middle aged single woman myself, I do have concerns about the future: being elderly & needing help after my family of origin is gone. No sense in worrying about it now though.

Good luck.

[C1d3rg1rl in reply to Hidden]

There is no worth in myself

[Hidden in reply to C1d3rg1rl]

I’m sorry you feel that way.

[lillyofthevalley37]

Hi I saw on your other post that you run? maybe your mood is deteriorating because you haven't been running recently ?

[C1d3rg1rl in reply to lillyofthevalley37]

I went out running today

[Gentlespirit]

I understand. Its a constant struggle.

[Gentlespirit]

Going for a walk with a can of tuna and my camera helps. Maybe going outside for awhile will help.

[kvolm2016]

I'm sorry that you are struggling with all of this. I do understand what you are expressing regarding romantic/sexual relationship. Do you see any value in pursuing/establishing friendships instead of romantic/sexual relationships?