struggling

[Stressed-Depressed]

Im not sure what I’m really looking for or why I’m here besides being stressed, depressed, anxious, and a general feeling of not being worth a damn. Maybe I came here to vent and be able to just say what’s on my mind without people who don’t understand judging me or making me feel worse. The last year has broke me, I’ve watched everything I’ve built over the last decade crumble, it’s destroyed me as a person, and led me through doors that I thought were shut for good. Yet here I am I’m more depressed/anxious than I’ve ever been, and even started self harming again after 9-10 years of being free from that. I know I probably sound stupid I’m 27 and self harming like I was when I was 17/18… It took me until now to fully grasp and realize why I did it when I was younger. It’s emotional/mental pain so great that nothing I do can take it away a pain that can only be replaced by another.

[CrystalS79]

Hello, Well I just joined yesterday & I've never done this sort of chat room with talking about my feelings or explaining my struggles. it was recommended that I reach out to other people such as this or in person. (I am not ready to go to in person meetings w/ a group of people)

So here i am- I don't really know what I am doing but I thought I'd respond to your post & give it a shot.

Maybe what you are doing here is looking for other people that might relate/ understand you and get some insight.

I also think this could be a good place to vent and maybe get some responses/ feed back. I am looking for this. I also started journaling most days of the week now. I do multiple styles of journaling (this is new to me) typing, writing, art, coloring. I am also keeping a little journal on me so if I get wrapped up in my feelings I can use that or use my phone. I just start off writing about what are my feelings & then I start jotting down everything that is going on with me and trying to get to the bottom of why I am feeling the way I am.

It is really hard to watch the things you work so hard for & it falls apart. Can it be re-built up again? or maybe do you have other thoughts to do something else?

I am kinda in that state too- my career isn't totally underwater but it is teetering & I am definitely stressed depressed & on edge

Self harm is a real ordeal and there is nothing that sounds stupid about it. Its sounds like you got alot on your mind maybe try all the journaling that I mentioned. Are you talking to a therapist? Also there is all sorts of different therapy out there. I did horse therapy along with my regular talk therapy last year- it wasn't for me but I gave it a shot. I also joined this shaman group that did a lot of different things like card reading, crystals- knowing there meaning, meditating, jewelry making & on and on. but it really did feel like another type of therapy/ healing environment. & maybe your not into any of this but the point is to try to find things that may catch your interest. Easier said then done. I know. It definitely took me some time to get here because all I wanted to do was sleep & watch tv to ignore all my feelings, stress, anxiety, PTSD, abandonment issues, low confidence (thinking- I don't deserve love). So I guess that's my response to you.

[Sugaree]

I am 63 and the last time I self harmed, was 46. I think that will be the last time. I did as a teenager, I was living in a very abusive home and was using LSD. My life has changed so much that I don’t think I will ever do that again. Never a suicide attempt or any place where it would show. You are absolutely right, that is the reason I self harmed. I wish you well, and pray that you find peace.

[LoveforAll41 in reply to Sugaree]

Thank you for your inspiring response Sugaree.

[Vonus5591]

Your not releasing your emotions in healthy way and need to realise you are the important one and being safe should be your goal

Try:-

youtu.be/SXdB8IK3hPs?si=bHw...(Not working as expected?)

[LoveforAll41]

Did you go through therapy or what aided you when you were able to not self harm for a long while Stressed-Depressed? I know that you have worth just being you, just as you are. I am sorry that your journey has been torturous. I am so sorry that you have lost so much.

I am in the same boat with self-worth... I really feel my family would be better off without me, but I don't want them to have the same mental issues I do. So I keep trying stuff. Ongoing therapy, went to an inpatient center when it was really bad. Ketamine therapy, several different therapists. I am still here living through the bad, and even sometimes good.

[Stressed-Depressed in reply to LoveforAll41]

What aided me was my Highschool sweetheart a women who would quiet all the demons, a women who saw me on my worst days & did her best to turn them into good days, she saw my flaws, she stayed through my mistakes, she loved me when I didn’t know how to love myself, she stayed with me while I built myself up to be a better person, she helped me to learn was love should feel like, and she was the first person in my entire life that I could let down my guard around.

Ironically enough tho she’s also the one who broke me… I thought we had accomplished our dreams we had the kids, we had gotten our dream house, had good jobs, and I thought we were entering our best years. Turns out I was living a fantasy she’s been having an affair for two years… I gave everything I have I have mentally, emotionally, and physically destroyed myself over the past year for her. She doesn’t care tho I’m just worthless at this point. All I have left is being a dad and even then I struggle to do that some days because honestly I don’t have the desire to keep breathing.

[Vonus5591 in reply to Stressed-Depressed]

You are still the person that should be treasured and loved and cared for and supported. Grow strong with the knowledge you gave the best of you and tried your hardest. Now do it for yourself. You are important. Be important to you. Begin with those throats and conquer all that fails. You can do it. Believe in yourself, you truly matter. Give yourself credit for what you have accomplished so far and you can do more. Be your best version for you

Give yourself a break and respect that you deserve.

[LoveforAll41 in reply to Stressed-Depressed]

Yep, I agree with Vonus. Now you know how you'd like to be love, it is time to love yourself. I have always hated the "love yourself first" line, but the more I love the more I become convinced it is essential to ever finding peace.

[Stressed-Depressed in reply to LoveforAll41]

I don’t know how to do that or what that’s like because I don’t know if I’ve ever really loved myself like that. Also yes I know how I’d like to be loved but I don’t want it from anybody else.