Hey everyone I'm more important than everyone else

That's what I feel like I'm saying and I hate myself for it. Why am I the way I am? I'm so stupid. What am I doing? Giving up? Exploding finally?! What's wrong with me. I want to explode. I want to be done. Will this help me? I have to try something new. What can I do? What do I do now?

[Hidden]

My mantra is a bit more balanced...Nobody is more important than I

Because i am no more important than them.

Its nice to be important...

But its more important ...to be nice.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Yes. I'm not actually more important than anyone else. We're all important. I just always think I am or act like I am more important but nobody told me that. It's my own opinion. But my opinion changes. I think I'm crazy. I can't stop thinking crazily. I need to calm down. I've always been good at calming myself down but I think I'm actually crazy now. Maybe. Maybe I'll be calm soon I hope. I want to be like you!!! I'm struggling. But why am I struggling? Im doing everything the most right I can. Im supposed to be getting better. I am getting better? Am I? I can't tell. I think to much about myself. Why don't I just do the dishes for everyone? Just to do a nice thing for someone else. Can't I just be happy when other people are happy? And me helping them to be happy and me helping them. Why can't I be happy helping other people? Am I happy? Maybe I am. No. How could I be if I question it. I'm trying to make myself be happy because there's so many things I'm blessed with. So many things. Can't I be happy with them? Why can't I? I've been trying. All the time. Why? Webby do I have to struggle? Can't I get out of this circular cycle of doom? Why can't I just stop thinking and control my mind like I've always been pretty good at? Self, do what I tell you to do. I'm supposed to be in control, not floating around like a little fuzz in the air. I have muscles and limbs and a working body. Work for me please.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

I hear you...and my interpretation of what you seem to be saying...is you are unable to identify yourself or how you are supposed to fit in this world created by others....and i may be way off track thinking this.....i too walked down this path many times...trying to second guess what everyone else was thinking and feeling....because i didnt fit into the slot that seemed to be cut by others for me.....I stumbled upon a tongue in cheek youtuber who runs through the 16 (yes i know!) personality types...i think i am an INFJ.

Why does that even matter?...it doesnt...it just helps me to realise why none of us ever fit into the slots others want us to fit in....check out the test..you may begin to see why you think ...the way you do...i hope it helps...heres a link...

16personalities.com/persona...

Of course this may be of no use...so how to slow down the racing thoughts...i have them from time to time...they flip flop through each scenario without reaching a conclusion.,.just confusion...have you ever tried taking magnesium...this will help alot...brain loves magnesium threonate because it goes into the brain mitochondria...and slows down that rapid thinking into a calm ebb and flow...best wishes.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

It's funny ive actually done that personally test several times. The only letter I'm most sure about is I. I've flip flopped on the N/S T/F and P/J. I actually didn't think it was possible but I've done one with percentages and I got close to 50% in all of them. I/E was always the most prominent toward the I. I took it as a good thing that I was balanced but then I felt I was doing it wrong/ overthinking the questions trying to be accurate and true to myself, which I don't understand. I also thought I'm so boring I don't even have a personality at all. And then another part of me said I'm just so talented at all of these things (that's the part of my brain that got a ton of praise as a child and being called a genius many times as a child and getting a big head) but I tried not to go with that one. Because, well I'm just not a genius. But maybe a little. I like to think I am. Maybe I'll never get over that. I'm not actually smart. I'm pretty dumb. Manifested to me in college. Not high school though. It didn't help that I was valedictorian without trying very hard. Ijust liked getting good grades. That made me think I was a little bit intelligent. Also when I took an iq test in 9th grade. I don't even remember exactly what it was but I think 127 at the highest. Not a genius. I didn't trust that test though. My teacher said I scored higher than her. That wasn't good for me to hear. But it's ok for me to say things things out loud because I've never been open about these things before. I don't boast about these things in person. I'm not even boasting now. I'm just talking to myself. Wait, what is boasting? If it makes me feel good to talk about myself in a positive way that boosts my sense of intelligence in myself, is that boasting? Well, in my head I'm not boasting, but people can think what they want. I don't actually think I'm smart enough to be praised for it. Whenever people used to praise me for my intelligence, and this is getting way too much for me going on and on talking about this, why do I? Anyways, they used to always make me cringe. I just was like ok? What do I say? Are you just going to stare at me in amazement? But I enjoyed the attention. Just didn't know what to do with it exactly. I didn't like attention that way. But I wanted positive attention. I craved it only when I was in college. I craved attention and I realized how smart I actually wasn't. I knew something was wrong with me when I couldn't focus on math, my best subject that I hadn't taken for almost three years at that time thinking I could just get right back into it and enjoy it even though I didn't need those credits. I got a D. For discouraged. I started skipping classes that semester, and that, well, that was the start of my depression. Not exactly like that though. It was many factors. It was just my realization that something was wrong with my brain. Wait a second, I realize I want to delete all of this while message I'm typing right now. But I won't. Whether it's a good thing or bad thing, I don't care in the moment. Ive never been able to tell yet if it's good or bad to delete my big long rambles. I've tried both ways, deleting the whole thing, deleting half of it, leaving it. And that is more than two ways. Ok. Well... toodledoo. Sorry this is in reply to your message. I didn't mean to send this all to you but I'm testing not deleting what I write this time.