Where do I find meaning between all this noise? I feel there is nothing left and the mistakes keep mounting. I have no hope of anything...

[The-Good-Mentalist]

I want to redo my whole life. I want to start over, and I would absolutely do it if it was as easy as pushing a button. But yet, I fear making even worse mistakes. That is the greatest "cringe" of my life: I cannot redo anything and that the problem is still there with me. Like my shadow I lug all my mental and consequential burdens along with me. The "problems" are still there. I hate being the victim of circumstance. Out of all this, I have only one question: How can I repair a machine with broken tools? I have tried many things to lift this awful anxiety and occasional debilitating waves of depression. I have nothing left to hope for, yet I am a fighter? My life goal is to help others. Yet that is selfish: I do it to feel better myself. But how do I even try to fix others if I cannot even fix myself? Clearly my tools aren't up to the task. Then what is there to hope for? I am a fighter and never backs down, yet I never even stood up for the fist time. I have nothing to say accept that I need something I'm not even aware of needing. Makes sense right?

[Imaaan]

The key phrase I'd like to highlight here is that "you're a fighter" and I hope you never lose it. To take on our greatest challenges continuously requires great strength and that is something admirable. Nothing great or meaningful is won easily in life. Openly sharing your struggles and being there for others even though you may not have all the answers isn't selfish but rather inspiring.

[The-Good-Mentalist in reply to Imaaan]

I appreciate your admiration very much. Yes it is extremely taxing to keep trying, but only if I end up feeling worse. Each day I wake up, I immediately focus on my surroundings and try to quiet down the mental clatter. It is very depressing, but then I recover feeling hope to make things better. I focus on the here and now as far I can, but I often fall back to that poisonous ruminating mindframe. And that is when I cringe and lose alot of wind. But your reply makes me realize alot. Thank you

[propjock]

Wow. I believe you are seeing clearly, and asking the right questions. I believe it is quite possible to start over, with a new source of strength. The message is constantly getting buried under all kinds of other things, but bringing the living dead like us to life is why the Father sent Jesus, and why the Spirit comes when a person trusts God. Born again, becoming a new creation, those are two metaphors.

I don’t usually respond this way, because most people here are seeking help with their mental and emotional struggles. Jesus might fix that right away, but probably not. But you seem to be asking spiritual questions as well, not what I was asking in my 20s, but the same kinds of questions.

That’s the last I’ll mention it, unless you want to continue. There’s too much uncaring, objectifying proselytizing going on, and that’s not what I want to do at all.

[The-Good-Mentalist in reply to propjock]

Please do continue! Im sincerely grateful for your response, as this website is not usually my method to seeking answers. Putting myself out like that is dangerous to my already fragile emotional state. I never would have guessed it can potentially be a major turning point in my life. I really need to do things better. I need to find something to hold on when all else fails. It's very interesting that I came across Jesus in a time of plight like this. It seems to me religion is always the final resort. Jesus always seems to show up...

Religion is a very sensative subject to me, yet I cannot deny something if I dont even know anything about it. Yes, I admit to knowing very little of Jesus, allthough I know the Bible to some extent. E.g. lazarus being the intercontextual metaphor of dead to life (I think that was your notion). I believe to have (to a great exrent) the same ultimate goal and mindframe as Jesus did e.g. peace, hope, happiness, love for all and wild child-like joy for all mankind. What a world that would be! I get very excited when I think about it, but it depresses alot me when I actually try to realize(making real) that dream, because everything I do never seems to actually matter (have an impact). It feels like I'm trying to catch smoke.

Show me how. How do I pull myself out of this hole. I really want to start over. With no regrets. And renewed strenth...

[propjock in reply to The-Good-Mentalist]

“Show me how.” OK, obtain a modern translation of the Bible. There’s an app called YouVersion that offers many choices. “New International Version” will work. Ask God to reach out to you and pull you out. Reach out your hand towards God (an attitude). You can start with, “Hey, God!” There aren’t any magic words.

Find the Gospel of John, and start reading. John was one of Jesus’ first followers, and this is his story about Jesus, probably written late in his life after a lot else had gone down. He will start talking about “John;” that’s another person, not the author. Remember that this is all happening in a different culture than ours.

You are wise to be sensitive about religion. We can continue talking here, or switch to messaging. You are also wise to want to understand what you are rejecting, if that’s what you end up doing.

[Heorge_Garrison]

This may sound like a cliche, but you don’t need to be fixed. The trials, tribulations, and imperfections we face are what make us different from each other and better able to support each other. And you sound like a very caring and conscientious person, so I doubt feeling better is the only reason you want to help others. Even if it was, it would be a win-win: you would get to feel better, and the lives of others would be improved. I know how hard it can be, but try to give yourself some credit. You’re worth so much more than you know!

[The-Good-Mentalist in reply to Heorge_Garrison]

Thank you very much foryour reply. It warms my heart to hear someone caring about a completely random person. That is very honerable.

[Heorge_Garrison in reply to The-Good-Mentalist]

Thanks for the kind words. I know what it’s like to need support for the same sorts of things you’re describing and not getting it, so I want to be there for anyone else struggling with those difficulties.

[The-Good-Mentalist]

That absolutely makes sense. I will never stop trying, though more often than not I would get beaten down mentally. That is the greatest challenge. Helping others gives me hope to continue and become great. I only have that bad habit of taking too much on myself though otherwise, what would be the point of everything if there is nothing to fight for? You made me realize that the sowing process will always be difficult. Thanks a million for the support.

[Hidden]

I'm going through a very difficult time myself. I wish I could redo things too. I hope you feel better soon.