I posted not long ago about how I've been making a lot of progress with self discovery and finally for the first time in my life, being able to see so many things differently. Part of this is because I found an amazing therapist. She is actually the first I've ever had (and I've gone through several) who actually seems sincere about wanting to help. She has given me homework recently to help me with letting go of past hurts. I have to say, even though I have been much more optimistic lately (don't get me wrong, I still am), but this has been incredibly difficult for me. I know in the end it is going to help, it already has because I've been able to get all of this out on paper and have someone else to look at it and help me see these things from a new perspective. There are things from my past that I have never been able to let go of, and have continued to allow these things to affect my self worth. Things to which I have given way too much control.
I say all this to hopefully help someone who is struggling with forgiveness and letting go. Learning to forgive those who have hurt you (even if it's only in your heart) and most of all, forgiving yourself is so important in healing. Because honestly, you aren't doing it for THEM, you're doing it for YOU. You may never forget....you're not even expected to, but letting go of it and getting that weight off of you is the only way to move forward.
I have been told by many that I live in the past too much. They aren't wrong. But it's because the past still hurts. Sometimes so much so that you can't think of anything else. You dwell on what if. What if this hadn't happened? What if I made another choice? What if I hadn't met this person? Then the could've would've should've consumes you. But what's done is done. You can't change it. That sounds harsh, I know, trust me. Thinking of the person you could have been or the life you could have had IF...keeps you from focusing on what could be in the future. Worse still, it blinds you from seeing what you have now. I have spent too many years thinking about how I could have done things differently, or how someone could have treated me better, or blaming others for holding me back. It is SO counterproductive in healing...I'm realizing this now. It took 41 years, but I guess better late than never. I know that nothing and no one has that kind of control over me, unless I give it to them.
One thing I love about my therapist is how she puts things. She tells me that when we think of should haves, we start "shoulding" all over the place and it gets messy and smelly. Then we start thinking about people that hurt us and what they must have been thinking or what we must have done to make them treat us that way and what's wrong with us...then we start "musterbating". So we're shoulding and musterbating and now we are left with this big sticky, smelly mess that we are left to clean up...and it's not easy. It's kinda gross, and kinda funny...but makes PERFECT SENSE!! Should haves further hold us back. And making assumptions about what someone else must've been thinking, or what we must've done wrong further lowers our own self worth, and we feel worse. We are in a big smelly mess. Let's all get out the mops and sponges and get this crap UP and OUT!! I know it's easier said than done...but know that WE GOT THIS! The fact that we get up every morning and breathe in and out all day and are able to function to the best of our ability is already proof that we are all stronger than we realize.
Peace!
Written by
amby80
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Thank you for sharing such a positive post, I read it from beguinning to end, and I saw some of me in there. I have been living in the past some of the time….. and it’s made me think on…. You will never know how much you have helped this old ma
If it helped you at all, that makes me happy. Everyone's story, trials and tribulations, etc is different...but none of this is easy...it takes time, work, and more importantly, the RIGHT kind of support. I wish you all the best ❤️
I always stumble when I get to the whole forgiveness part... there are some things I will never forgive, not to spite myself but... I guess I just try to live with the revenge of living better off.
I'm glad you like your therapist and feel like you are making some real worthwhile breakthroughs, I love your positivity.
Thank you for your response. Just remember that forgiveness is for YOU. You can forgive a person and still work on being the best version of yourself. They will see either way, but you will feel even better about yourself for being the bigger person. And I think the best revenge is knowing (and letting them know) that they can never have that much power over you again ☺️
Thank you this piece. It reflects me in ways. I too dwell on the past and it affects me a lot. I become quiet wondered what I couldve done to change what happened.🌹
We all do it. Some of us more than others. Don't beat yourself up about it. Especially things that are out of your control. We can only really change what we do moving forward. I have had to come to terms with that, and it's a work in progress. I could have done this or that...but what if this or that took me down the wrong path? There is just no possible way to know. That's why thinking about it and dwelling on is drives us so(for lack of a better word) crazy! There is just no way of knowing what would have happened, any more than we can know what's going to happen in the future. We only have control over the decisions we make now. Speaking for myself, I'm getting too old to NOT make the most of the rest of my life. Hope this helps ❤️
You,in my opinion are so on the right track and have figured out yourself as well as a very healthy approach to the rest of your young life. I have 21 years on you and finally am seeing what you are experiencing.Congratulations and keep moving forward with total respect for who you are now and those should haves and musts that taught you how to get here. Never too late to have a great life!
Thank you so much for the kind words. You are right, it's never too late. And there are always lessons to be learned. I hope that you are enjoying your life as well.
Thank you and for sharing the musterbation term that I first heard from my all time favorite therapist and creator of what is now cbt Albert Ellis. You probably know his work but if not do yourself a favor and read one of his many books on changing your irrational thoughts and therefore your feelings about yourself and that in turn leads to behavior that is the real you of which there will only ever be one and that is maybe the greatest feeling a human can ever have. Continue growing,never close your mind to knowledge and have a beautiful summer.
Question. I'm 47 and still dealing with anxiety and panic attacks after more than two decades. I've had multiple good periods in life punctuated by intense less good periods. I've had a number of therapists, counselors etc that never really connected the dots for me. Can you share the process you used to pick your current person? Maybe criteria or how you selected them? I'm hoping I too can find the right person to finally compel me to make changes in my life. I admit I fight it, and spend all my time either in the rear view mirror or stuck in the distant future, rarely just living in the moment. Time for a change
Hi! So...I too struggle still. I have multiple diagnoses and it's not easy all the time. I happened to be doing an internship with a start up teletherapy service called Ayana. I was fortunate enough to be able to access their services since I was an intern. I got to choose my therapist based on their bio, therapy methods, years of experience, if you prefer a particular race or gender, etc. The woman I chose just happens to be amazing! Like I said, I struggle...this has been a hard journey for me. But working with her, I'm learning to let go of the past, allow myself grace, and learn to take care of myself and my own wants and needs without worrying so much about what others might think. I have been a worrier most of my adult life, struggled with regrets, self image, anxiety, depression, PTSD and a laundry list of things. So my best advice is to do some research when looking for a therapist, and also to stick with the therapy. It's easy to want to give up because it is hard to face your demons...but it's a necessary evil. I wish you the best of luck!
Thank you so much for your feedback. I've found a few telehealth options online but frankly, between work, friends and volunteer groups, I am a little Zoomed out, and perhaps a bit old school in my desire to talk to someone face to face. Says that man who creates a schedule that never allows him free time to go anywhere or meet anyone. I'll give the service another look and keep going with my search. Of course, insurance adds another layer of complexity. Thanks again. You're awesome. And I really admire how you were able to capture and articulate your current situation in your original post. It was very well done. I will make sure to look for more from you. All the best to you for a beautiful day!
Additionally, I tried many different therapists as well. Sometimes we just didn't click for whatever reason. Other times I felt like I wasn't being heard, or felt like I wasn't given any helpful advice or making any progress, so I would give up. It takes time to build that relationship and trust. It takes work also...you HAVE to put in the work because the therapist can't "fix" us, but rather guides us in the direction to fix ourselves in a sense.
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Wife found out i was on this site and it did not go over good.....
Something I've been going through lately. Hope you give it a read. Have you felt the same?
How do I convince my family that I need to talk to a therapist? 
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Why cant a I just accept and get used to the ongoing symptoms??
