Hey all, Brian here. I haven't written much lately so I thought I would come to the community with something that is on my mind. Lately, I have been struggling with growing need to isolate myself from people. Not a single person or group in particular, but from society as a whole. I have always had this feeling that I never truly fit in, that my physical appearance, my interests and my sensibilities are somewhat out of step with today's society. I must confess that I am a student of history and that many of my interests and philosophical beliefs stem from different eras of history. As a result, I feel like a person without a true home. I often feel lost or unable to relate fully to what is going on around me and with people I interact with. Everyone who meets me (many from this site) tell me that I am genuinely a nice person to be around. Yet I continually feel the need to retreat from life, to isolate and insulate myself from other people. I would like to be able to make friends, to go out and experience life and feel more at ease around others. Yet the older I get, the harder it is for me to shake off the need to isolate. I honestly don't know what to do or how to proceed. I'm so shy and retiring in real life that I have difficulties just talking to others in a social setting. Can anyone offer any advice on how to overcome acute shyness? You all have been so amazing since I signed up to this website and I can't tell you how many positive experiences I've had here. I hope to make more friends here as time goes on and to help others any way I can. Thanks for listening
Respectfully your friend,
Brian
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bridder01
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Welcome back my friend. You answered your own question by putting it forth, in front of many eyes, and in front of many minds who feel the way you do. You take small steps outward. Find others like you. Find friendship and compassion at a safe distance. Birds of a feather. Building intimacy only happens with authenticity and vulnerability. The irony is in your “weakness” you find allies that add to your strength. Go at your own pace. You don’t feel it but you’re getting stronger and better and more free. Focus on the good. Whatever you believe, you become. I’m proud to call you a friend. See yourself as we see you. Good-hearted, interesting, fun, humble, strong and enduring. The kind of friend we all hope to be.
Thanks for the kind words Lisa! Living in a rural area makes things a little more challenging since there are not many places to go and meet new people. I hate to say it, but bars are just not my thing lol. Anyway, thanks for being a good friend to me
Hi Brian, sometimes it's hard for me to believe that at one time I was acutely shy myself. Started in high school where I really didn't know where I fit in. I hadn't found my niche In life. I knew I had more to give but shyness kept me back. In my mid 30's I followed my dreams and stopped pursing the one that my family wanted me to be. That was a start. Being around people who have the same interests and passion as you do gives you confidence and self esteem in yourself. There's no need to hide from society. As you grow with others who think as you do and can relate to you, your thoughts about yourself change to a more positive kind. The caterpillar is getting ready to emerge as a Butterfly. That is in all of us. As your confidence builds you shyness will dwindle. We are all unique as human beings and have something to offer each other. It has nothing to do with physical appearance but in being comfortable in your own skin as to who you are. One step at a time. Using the forum as a stepping stone in moving forward is a great option.
Hey Agora! Thanks for the very kind words! I've known that I've been extremely shy since I was at least 5 years old. That was when I started public school. Before that I was in preschool where I was abused by a teacher who shouldn't have been there. I was only 3 or 4 when I was in that preschool. The shyness has only seemed to grow worse as the years go by, and for many years I didn't try to fight. I was happy in my own cocoon. Sometimes I still am, but I recognize the need to change that pattern. As humans, we are social creatures by nature, feeling the need to belong to some form of community. I really am glad I found this site and I only wish that we had similar groups here where I live (I live in northern New Hampshire, which a very rural area). And if you ever need support Agora, I'm one message away as well
Hello, I think I understand your situation, I used to be crippling shy, one thing that helped me was group therapy. Also my therapist said when I asked him what I needed, he said "assertiveness training". Let me tell you I got the hang of it and shy left by the back door. Yes I would get a little bit intimidated at new situations, I tried to choose ones with with interests that made me alive and interested. I also learnt that a Lot of the people that go to these situations have similar misgivings, so we are most of us in the same boat, so do not hang back, see who looks shy and retiring and approach them in a gentle way, you would be surprised how this can open a new avenue of discussion, and may end up with a new friendship. Give it a go, I did and it works for me, only if only for a social evening, time well spent and another notch of growth on your gun. I wish you well and send love & hugs. Sprinkle 1...............
Hiya Sprinkle! Thank you for your kind words! I'm currently taking Dialectic Behavioral Therapy at the moment in a group setting. One of the few groups here in my area (I live in northern New Hampshire which is a very rural area). I have definitely gotten better with the anxiety over the last year or so, but living in a rural area poses some unique challenges for finding groups to attend or social places that are not too overwhelming. And I'm sorry, bars hold no interest to me lol. And if you ever need someone to chat with Sprinkle, I'm here for ya
I don’t fully understand why isolating is bad? I don’t have friends or go out to social events. I go to the stores and church. I don’t see anything wrong with it. Everyone is different. Comparing ourselves to others who are more out going isn’t fair. You have unique gifts and talents they don’t.
Hey Here! I used to think that way myself. But as I said in an earlier reply, we as humans are social creatures by nature. We tend to want to feel accepted by a community. And you're right, everyone is different. But I have found that those differences are what makes life so interesting! "Variety is the spice of life" That's a very true saying. By learning of each other's differences, we can grow and prosper together. That's why isolation in the long term can be extremely damaging. I speak from experience on that score. The more you isolate, the harder it becomes to feel more at ease around others. But the thing is that we all have our own unique needs and finding an environment to have those needs met can be very hard to find. But finding that space where you can relate to others and they can relate to you can make life worth living.
I respect and hear what you are saying. I must be in the 1% of the population who doesn’t mind being alone. It doesn’t bother me. I don’t have a lot in common with people who haven’t lived the kind of life I have. To force myself into a mold of living that may work for 99% of people would be cruel and unfair to myself while knowing I could not survive in that mold. I would only be torturing myself trying to fit in.
Hiya Elliott! Thank you for your kind words! If you need a friend, look no further You can message me anytime and we can get to know each other Thanks for being here for me and I am always here for you
Personally, I only think isolation is a problem if you think it is. I understand it may be harder to meet people in a rural area. Do you have family you can hang with, and could you look up old friends and see if you still have common interests? You sure do have a lot to offer here. Are there organizations with which you can volunteer also?
Hiya Gogo! Thank you for replying I agree with you to a certain point. Isolation in the short term can actually be very beneficial, especially if you've experienced a trauma or tragedy that makes you feel very overwhelmed. There are times when we all need our own personal solitude to help us come to terms with what happened and to begin to feel like facing the world again. But long-term isolation can be very damaging as it becomes harder to feel at ease around others and the social skills we have start to atrophy from lack of use. I speak from experience on that because I've isolated for so much of my life that I now find myself feeling very awkward in public settings, although I beginning to find my way through it. My mom and sis do live close and I visit them frequently, but I'm not originally from the area where I now live, and I really didn't have friends since my sophomore year in high school. I've also thought about volunteering lately, either at the local hospital or a church. If I have any positive experiences in those areas, I will definitely post it here.
That is nice you have family there- and I can see your points as well. Animal shelters often look for people who want to volunteer also. Do you have anyone from work etc? Anyway, you never know - there might also be a school reunion - sometimes people hook up at those places too. Sometimes family is enough for some people- but others like to look for additional contacts. Thanks for your post.
Oh my gosh! My soul brother! I have, on more than one occasion, answered a question incorrectly and then said, "Well, in MY century, that's how it is!" So yeah, the struggle is real. I found a museum where I volunteered for several years (until the agoraphobia made it impossible). It was great because I met a lot of people who shared the same interests. We could just hang out and be big giant nerds and it was all kinds of awesome. Try local museums or historical societies and state and national parks as well. I'm lucky in that one of the historical events that I'm passionate about (the Oregon Trail) happened right where I live so I had my pick of museums and historical parks. These days I spend most of my (mental) time in 16th century England so it is a little tougher to find a real world outlet. Also there is no indoor plumbing and I will certainly be burned for a witch if I survive being burned for a heretic. Please tell me about your historical interests, I'm dying to know! xoxo DD
Hiya Dymphna! Thank you for your kind words! Well, I have so many historical interests it's not funny lol Depending on where my attention is focused, I could be reading about anything from Ancient Rome through the 1950's. I love learning about monarchies, which happens to be my favorite historical subject. It doesn't matter which monarchy either, be it English, Scottish, French, Spanish, German, Russian. I could be just as comfortable reading about the Old West as I would be reading about feudal Japan in the 13th or 14th centuries. I used to live near Fredericksburg, Virginia, where there were so many fascinating historical sites since the famous Battle of Fredericksburg was fought there in December, 1862. I hear ya about 16th century England. I've imagined living in that era, Recently, I've imagined living in Russia during the era of the tsars, from Peter the Great all the way through Nicholas II and the start of the Russian Revolution. I can never tell if I'm a revolutionary or a tsarist lol. We should message each other and share our thoughts on history Hope to talk to you soon
Hiya CP! Thank you for your kind words! I live in northern New Hampshire, so not many reenactments or renaissance faires here, and I'm still not sold on the local historical society lol. Again no museums here in this area, but there are some historical locales that I do visit on occasion. I have been considering starting up my own group. Just have to get motivated lol. I love your metaphor Thanks again!
Start up an online discussion group or forum then based on one of your favourite eras as a first step and see what grows from there?
You could use it to gauge interest in organising a small event - e.g. A guided tour of one of your historical locales
We have quite a few "living history" events round here (uk). One that particularly sticks in my mind was a guy dressed in authentic garb showing what life was like as a Viking in Britain, with food stuffs and crafts such as weaving using ingredients, tools and materials that would have been around in the era he was depicting.
He demonstrated how to make soft cheese with buttermilk and cider. It was fascinating !
Hiya CP! That actually wouldn't be bad to do. I may try that. Thanks! Also, I'm thinking of starting a Facebook group so that people here can chat real time. Right now, it's just a thought but it's something I'm leaning towards doing. Oh, I love British history! I'm a true Anglophile My mom is originally from England (Greater Manchester Area) and it's some place I would love to visit again (I got to visit Ireland and England when I was 10, so I really wasn't able to enjoy it as an adult lol).
Let us know how you get on with whatever you decide to do.
You really do have so much to offer.
The thing about this type of activity is that you're assuming a role - especially if you're dressed up. You don't have to be "you", you're acting a part in a way.
It's your electrical cable isolation if you like.
The first step would be hard but I'd like to think that once you take it your enthusiasm and passion for the subject will overcome your shyness.
I think one step would be to tell yourself, and to believe, that there's nothing intrinsically wrong about being shy.
All my life I thought it was the biggest of shits to be SOOO shy (and I still think so sometimes) but I started to feel a bit better when I worked on accepting my shyness. I know it's easier said than done, but it is absolutely worth it. BE GOOD TO YOURSELF.
Society tells us it's better to be outgoing than to be shy, better to have more friends than just a few, better to enjoy being with people more than being alone but -maybe you know but I want to tell you again- that's bullshit. And realizing how much bullshit many of our assumptions are is the biggest step towards accepting, respecting and treating ourselves good.
Also I understand this feeling of not truly fitting. But I suspect that everyone feels the same, no matter how self-confident they look. And what is more important: at the end it's not so relevant whether you truly and totally fit. It's more important to find the few people with whom you can be who you are, who accept and love you, with whom you feel good. They will probably not like or understand 100% of you, but they also don't have to! Sometimes it helps to focus on the things that connect us with other people rather than the things that separate us. We have more things in common with others than we think!
With this I don't mean to downplay your problem and your feelings, not at all! But sometimes it helps to see things from another angle. To force our brains to think in a different direction -if only just for the sake of trying!
By the way, I'm totally sure you are a nice person to be around!
Hiya Amanda! Thank you so much for the kind words! I absolutely agree with you. We're not gonna have 100% in common. But finding a common ground is a beginning and learning and growing from our differences is what makes life so much fun! This group is a place where I definitely am comfortable and I love being here! I agree being shy in itself is not a bad thing, but acute (or extreme) shyness is. It's natural to be shy, especially around people you don't know. That part I'm ok with. But when you feel terrified around everyone (especially women in my case), that's not good. I have been extremely shy and terrified around women and have been since I was 5. I still haven't completely gotten over it, but I'm working on it. Things have gotten easier for about the last year. But I know it's a work in progress and I'm good with that. And I know, the perceptions society imposes on us absolute horse manure. lol I've never been one to follow the crowd. I love going my own way, popular or not - I don't care. I love being a unique individual! And I love the fact that all of us are unique and I am very happy and proud to have met everyone here - including you Amanda!
Your friend,
Brian
Sorry you feel this way I’m sure a lot of people can relate to this so thank you for sharing x 💕
Hi mate I share your feelings of isolationism thing is i mostly enjoy it which actually frightens me at times I'm quiet but not shy and can't explain why I choose to be like this do you fear being in company or anything hopefully your feeling bit better take care cheers
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My mom is originally from England (Greater Manchester Area) and it's some place I would love to visit again (I got to visit Ireland and England when I was 10, so I really wasn't able to enjoy it as an adult lol).
Message in a bottle 
Just a little reminder
My wounds haven't healed 
