My Life

[lukas01]

I’m losing hope of my life. I am autistic waiting to be diagnosed, I struggle with easy tasks sometimes I get confused. I’m suffering with really bad anxiety I’m scared for my life I constantly live in fear. Coming to work being worried that I’ll struggle to the point that i have to rely on people to help me. I’ve become socially awkward to the point that I’m shy to talk to people at times. I have problems with focusing and thinking. I want to do my driving but I’m scared due to me being autistic. I generally don’t know if it’s worth living anymore I just want to be happy and live my life comfortably instead I’m battling constant anxiety and fear. I don’t know what to do anymore sometimes I been thinking about suicide and just end it all so I do t have to suffer this pain anymore. I’ve been researching ways of suicide without feeling pain and just leaving the world because I can’t accept myself due to my difficulties that potentially cannot be cured. Im 19 thinking about my future but I don’t see my future anywhere. I’m scared to move out of my parents house because I feel like I will struggle with everything it feels like I lack independent skills. I had many learning difficulties to which I still have to this day. I feel like my memory has worsened where I don’t remember or I tend to forget often. I struggle with communicating sometimes or getting the words out. I often feel clumsy where I drop things or whatever I do. It’s just living hell I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m losing more hope day by day and It feels like I’m getting closer and closer to the grave.

[AnxiousCanadianChic]

Just know you’re not alone. I have had bad anxiety since I was a young kid and fear of everything, I would/do constantly worry about myself, my family etc. I developed epilepsy 7 years ago and that made everything worse. I’m scared of being alone and dying of a seizure, afraid to go out as it’s embarrassing having one around people. I feel so helpless sometimes too but I keep hoping that things will get better. What helps me is to think how much worse things could be. I think of people whose children have died, people going through cancer over and over, people in severely abusive relationships etc. And that puts my issues into perspective. I hate living like this but I make sure to focus on the small stuff that brings me joy.

[lillyofthevalley37]

You sound just like my daughter and my heart goes out to you , she is waiting for a diagnosis in UK and it looks like it is going to take a long time, are there any groups near you for people with autism that you could join or any group with people struggling that you could join, when you get your diagnosis hopefully you will get some help with coping methods

[lukas01 in reply to lillyofthevalley37]

I’m in the uk as well and I’m not sure if there are any groups that I could join. I haven’t heard of any as far as I know

[lillyofthevalley37 in reply to lukas01]

I think the bigger the town you live in the more chance of there being groups, are you on twitter - there are alot of people on there with autism , how long have you been waiting for your diagnosis?

[lukas01]

I am on Twitter yes, and I have had a telephone assessment on the 18th January and now I’m waiting for a face to face appointment for two months but apparently it takes up to a year to get diagnosis which is very difficult for me to cope with because my parents do not understand my suffering.

[Gentlespirit]

Hi. It's painful to realize that I'm in a very similar situation its just that I'm still struggling to realize learning problems and being autistic puts me in a very high risk category. I have not asked for an assessment yet though since I'm struggling with depression and anxiety and vacillating between remaining quiet or speaking up. Although extremely difficult I will make an appointment to get a shot in my shoulder and hip and ask the doctor for a letter for my arthtritis and shots for it are indicated and approved by my physician. (I have more physical more health issues too) Its so overwhelming and so much anxiety and the depression so much to battle its hard not to give in and give up. Picture hope. I have a few pictures of my daughter and son and my daughter with her guy and I have hope. Also think about the people who care about you and how devastating your death would be. Family members who have a suicide in the family the surviving family members are at least 4x s as likely to choose the same option. I know that you would not want to set that precedent in your family. The good thing is that your waiting for an assessment and have taken that step. I'm still reluctant to take that step because I don't know how it would affect my kids. I read that microbes were revived in sediment dated from 101 million years ago and ready to eat and reproducing. It didn't surprise me. Deep beneath the Antarctic ice there is life sustainable life. It didn't surprise me. However many meters down engineers will go for scientists to revive microbial life on Mars is still being calculated yet microbes that have been dormant will be revived and will proliferate. In my mind I see a chasm and wind currents from storms flowing and the trajectory being calculated altered. Hybrid plants surviving and thriving reproducing and giving off oxygen that will be channelled and added to recirculated oxygen. An intricate system of connecting tunnels and entomologist s to monitor the temperature moisture bacteria and the revitalized biodiversity that will emerge and its its so exciting. Incredibly exciting and fascinating. How could I explain or expect someone to understand when at times simple things are to difficult for me to do. Or I remain silent unable to speak. Vulnerable.

[lukas01 in reply to Gentlespirit]

Thank you for that. I hope everything works out for you. I will carry on fighting and hopefully I will get where I need to be and get the support that I need. I would recommend trying to get a diagnosis it’s never too late hopefully everything works out for you.

[Gentlespirit]

Continue moving forward with the process of getting an assessment. Its something you started and thats good because its extremely difficult to take that step because of the tremendous anxiety and depression involved along with the risk of being stigmatized. I understand the vulnerability involved too and I am frozen unable to ask for that assessment yet. I commend you for doing that. In the meantime rediscover and redefine yourself. Go deep within your inner core to the roots of your being. Let your mind flow and let everything go. Allow yourself to be you. Let your inner guide your inner voice be heard. Follow follow your mind your being and observe just observe and use your senses. Reassure yourself. Let your mind go blank or retreat when your inner critic or societies critic seeps in or makes you want to act out or exit permanently. This may help. Its an ongoing battle yet you will prevail and have a chance to be successful beyond measure if you just do what you can and don't give in or up. Explore Rediscover Reinvent yourself. Someone else within the autistic community or an organization may be able to help you.

[lukas01 in reply to Gentlespirit]

Thank you