Self compassion

[Nature9]

Anyone have any ideas on self compassion and not being so hard on yourself? I realized today that I need to learn to be kinder to myself when I don’t perform well on a quiz or exam. I think it ties into my fear of judgment. How do I get rid of this? I have 2 more sessions with my therapist and that’s it. Supposedly the rest is exposure therapy. I’m just trying to not feel so disappointed when I don’t get good grades. Not sure why grades matter so much. Thanks everyone for any help.

[Rafiki11]

Look up Brene’ Brown. She has a speech on Netflix and she’s written several books about shame. I especially recommend her book Daring Greatly.

[Nature9 in reply to Rafiki11]

I remember listening to her books a while back. I forgot about it. I will have to revisit it. Thank you!

[Kainan in reply to Rafiki11]

Good book!

[LunaPenny]

Not so much advice on how to help but mainly just a sympathetic shoulder as I can definitely relate to this.

Maybe try viewing each exam as an aim for progress rather than a goal to achieve. As in, you got through it and did what you could, rather than having a mark or a percentage in your head that you want to achieve.

[Nature9 in reply to LunaPenny]

That’s a good point, LunaPenny. You’re right. I did what I could in the moment. I appreciate you lending me your sympathetic shoulder.

[Hidden]

How are you?

This is natural. Nobody likes to fail. This is not a problem that is associated with depression but it's a general hatred for failure. There are things that requires one to force themselves into something. It will not be easy at first but as time goes you will be fine. You do not need to be hard on yourself, really.

[Nature9 in reply to Hidden]

I’m better now, thanks for asking. I’ll be fine. It’s not something I wanted to experience, I don’t think anyone does, but it forced me to look at the bigger picture and reach out to ask for other perspectives. Thanks for your support! ❤️

[butterflygarden]

I can be really hard on myself too. There is an organization called The Center for Mindful Self Compassion - they offer classes & guided meditations. There is also a book called The Mindful Self-compassion workbook by Kristen Neff and Christopher Germer. I have found it very helpful.

It teaches you to start to accept yourself as you are, even if you feel you have failed or are criticizing yourself. The idea is to notice your negative self talk, acknowledging that you are not alone in feeling this way and then bringing self kindness to yourself. You probably worked hard and did the very best you could!

[Nature9 in reply to butterflygarden]

This is great information. Thank you for sharing these resources. I will see if I could get a hand on a free version from the public library or the price on Amazon. It sounds like cognitive behavior therapy which I am open to. Thank you!

[Kainan]

I had this issue before. I’d care so much about the score and whenever I fell sort I be feeling down. My advice would be that the grade is just a part of it; how do you feel about what your learning? It’s a process, not a means to an end. Learning encapsulates so much more

[Nature9 in reply to Kainan]

I enjoy the subjects and learning. It’s when I don’t do as well as I’d like on quizzes or exams is when I default to being hard on myself. I just need to let this go. I mean I did what I could at that time. Thank you for your support! I appreciate you.

[Kainan in reply to Nature9]

You’re welcome. Keep at it. You’re on the right track 👍

[SingingpraisesofGo]

Sometimes we are our own worst enemies, although sometimes the pressure to perform comes from a subconscious desire to have people admire us. Many admire people who get good grades, but in the grand scheme of life, good grades are really not the most important thing in life. This might be cliche, but 50 years from now nobody will be asking you what your grades were. While they can help you get into certain universities and jobs, employers are looking for people to be well-rounded, have good people skills, in addition to having above average grades. One way to be more compassionate on yourself is to tell yourself that you did your best and that is enough. Instead of overthinking and dwelling on the negative, call somebody to go out for a change of scenery and do something fun! You deserve to enjoy your life outside of all your hard work.

[SoberDrunk1]

Teachings of Eckhart Tolle really helped me, to become the observer of my own thoughts. The mind could be our own worst critic. If you get identified with it, we spend lot of time on self-critic. A new Earth has lot of examples. You can read one segment "Duck with a Human mind" to see how our mind operates. Lingers on even after the actual incident.

[Nature9 in reply to SoberDrunk1]

Interesting. Honestly I'm not really understanding the meaning of “new Earth” but I'll check him out. Maybe it’ll be more clear. Thank you for your suggestion! I feel blessed to receive everyone's support and resources. Thanks everyone!

[SoberDrunk1 in reply to Nature9]

Eckharts first book was Power of Now, It took several reads to understand his work. Then came "A New Earth" where he added more illustrative narration that made things easier for people to relate.

[Nature9 in reply to SoberDrunk1]

Ah I see so it’s the title of one of his books. Gotcha. Thanks for the clarification.

[Nature9 in reply to SoberDrunk1]

I just finished listened to the audiobook of “a new earth.” I’m listening to it again because some of the concepts didn't quite sink in the first time around.

[SoberDrunk1 in reply to Nature9]

Listening to certain segments of the book, like "Voice in the Head", "Carrying the Past", "Duck with a Human Mind"..and also grabbing the PDF version of it, so you could search the segments, helped me realize the truth. Dont give up. Eventually you will get there. In the shower, are you there physically? Like hearing the water go into the drain? Smell the soap? Or you are there but your mind is already in the office running a meeting? Try it. Most of the time, we do things mechanically. You are physically there but mentally elsewhere. So bringing the attention to what we do at that moment is what he talks about being present. In the Now.