I've been reading about and trying to practice self compassion for 7-8 years since I first read Kristen Neff's book on it.
"A study by Leah B. Shapira and Myriam Mongrain showed that speaking to oneself as a good friend for seven days straight lowers depression for three months and raises happiness for six months."
!!!
I find it hard. Elusive. Unnatural. My negative inner critic is semi-conscious at best, and it's always several chess moves ahead of me (how could it not be). But it occurred to me that many of the self-talk affirmations I've also been listening to from this Self-Talk+ app are basically more or less my own form of compassionate self talk already. (I decided to keep and pay the $20/mo subscription for since I have been using it every day for the 30-day trial, and found it has boosted my mood, motivation, productivity, happiness, confidence, hope, finances, etc. It's really the only large-scale high quality set of affirmations I have ever found (and I've sampled and tried a lot).
So, starting this weekend, I plan to take it to the next step and start repeating verbally and writing out some of my favorite affirmations, when I brush my teeth or eat (and at night, in the morning if I can, but these two times are tough because they're already packed and I tend to overfill the activities). Later in the year, I'm going to re-read and revisit and apply more from James Clear's excellent book Atomic Habits, to help with things like this.
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Gandolfication
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One thing I've learned is "Cognitive Therapy". It's much like what you're talking about. By being aware of what triggers certain feelings, be it fear, anger, or anxiety, then we can work our way backward, be gentle to ourselves, and listen to our inner voice of reason....I love the "self-love" approach. We can love others but sometimes find it hard to be kind and love ourselves. It's hard, sometimes we know what we should do, but sometimes we just can't. We are here to support one another.☺️
Howdy Gandolfication, it sounds like things are going pretty well for you and I am thrilled!
I think you are far more intellectual than me, and I think your logical mind is more clever at being harsh to you than mine to me. What has made it easier for me to not beat myself up is understanding where I have come from. Of course being raised as I was I am going to have money issues, perfectionistic tendencies, black and white thing, fill in thinking error here.
Have you looked at yourself and accepted that your cunning logical mind being with you throughout your life has led to certain thought patterns? I don't know exactly but something perhaps along the lines of being driven to excel academically and feeling a sense of purpose and accomplishment when succeeding has reinforced the need to excel in that way? That somewhere along the way you started acheiving at a high level and of course it makes sense that your brain wants to keep that up indefinitely? Sorry, this isn't coming out very well. I have found it much easier to have self-compassion when I realize my mental anguish came from thinking errors that were developed out of a desire to continue with what I perceived as success.
I think that all of us on here are here because we have realized that what pushed us before is making us miserable and we need to change and have room for feelings and self-compassion. That doesn't mean what drove us here was all bad in the beginning though. I am sorry again, I don't know if any of that means anything, but I think you can thank your innner critic for trying to motivate you towards what you think success is and then tell them that you understand where they are coming from and then tell your critic that you will be making some changes. At the very least, I am happy that you seem to be doing pretty well.☮️
That's really profound and challenging and a lot of it ring is true. I know there's a lot of positive good in it. And also at the same time... And in part because I'm really tired today and don't feel like I excelled at everything.... I'm thinking about how much? Yes, this competitive success driven, deeply embed "cunning logical mind," as you put it, has driven me right to the deepest of unhappiness, And how I seem to struggle in every direction like someone flailing to survive in the middle of the ocean, all the time.
Did I harass you about the "what gives us worth" stuff before? MiamiJacket84 had another post on this today. It is impossible to gain worth from doing things I think, and thus impossible to ever acheive it, and thus impossible to stop having anxiety if you are trying to do it. I dunno, I just know that I have felt so free not trying to gain any worth by doing things.
wow amazing news Gandolfication that’s huge news. dramatic. I really hope it works out real well for you going deeper with it. I’m just at the beginners stage of speaking positive affirmations to myself. I just have one. I still find it awkward talking to myself and a touch that I’m knowingly conning myself, I do not see it having a positive impact due to how much my statement feels like total BS and lack of feeling encouraged by it but I’m sticking with it. I’ve been wrong many times before. This is a great positive story that gives me hope, thank you so much for sharing this today.
Yes, I think what you're describing... that sense of fakeness and falsity like a lot of positive affirmation content has a name. It claim it psyche spiritual quality like the Secret or the Law of Attraction (sorry if anyone likes those and maybe there's actually good in them, to be fair. I intentionally never read those two).
That is one thing that I really like about this content from Dr.shat Helmstetter. I have found the affirmation content-- there's a lot of it-- in his materials to be sound, credible, reliable, believable, and in fact even challenging, requiring a lot of the listener in terms of agency and choice and personal responsibility but also belief and attitude. That's what makes them powerful for me. They liven and waking me to believing I really can be my best self.
I've been in a slump and inconsistent at this lately... And this is a recurring thing for me. Just trying to take on and add too much to personal growth self-help routines all the time.
My life is really busy and it gets in the way.
Oh yeah. Sometimes I forget I'm here to live not just a solve problems, including myself as a problem.
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