I believe I have shutdown internally. It seems like no matter what I do or how hard I try to improve my life’s situation, personal, wife, children or work the progress(internally or externally) isn’t seen/felt. I don’t feel any changes, I am still in the same pain, patterns, arguments , etc. No positive feedback of things getting better, so I internally feel that it does not matter what I do to make changes if no one or myself is noticing any changes.
I feel that I cannot continue to function as a human until I can see myself as something worth keeping. There has been no value of self for so long I don’t know what it is supposed to be or feel like. I cant even look at my face in the mirror for more than 3 seconds without turning away. I believe that this is why I also don’t ‘fight back/stand up for myself’ in situations that are down and demeaning to me. There are many times in a discussion that I feel that its not worth trying to tell my side/situation as I don’t care about myself so I just sit and take the abuse and or don’t put up a fuss.
Having a new Barn/Shop to look forward to making things in, I can say, Is not going to change the lack of Self-love and self-companions that I have. Its just going to giver me another place to hide and be miserable. I don’t think I can improve anything in my life until I can figure out why I hate myself so much and have no desire to improve me FOR ME.
Please tell me where to start? 😢😞
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Shomacco
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I’m sorry you are suffering with this. I felt this way for too many years to count. It was torture.
My escape came when I started practicing certain techniques. First I had to give up my hold on the idea that I was worthless. Next I was willing to get to honestly know myself. Once I got to know who I was then I had to get to like who I was. Then I needed to learn how to love myself. Once I got there the curtain lifted.
I didn’t do this by myself. I needed outside help. So I asked for help.
I hope you can achieve self acceptance. You’re worth it. The idea that you’re not is a lie you’re telling yourself.
You do have great value. If nothing else then that you are the father of beautiful children. Hold on to that.
I also think therapy could help you. However that's not a quick fix and it takes a lot of courage to face up to painful memories and perseverance. Don't expect a lot of big changes or even small ones quickly. It doesn't happen that way unfortunately. It is a gradual process.
Hello Shomacco, I’ve read your post and I personally don’t want you to give up on being who you are. God created you and he doesn’t make mistakes. You have a reason, purpose and a many seasons to get life perspectives in order and I want you to start with God. He has all the answers if you believe in Him. Love who you are and understand why you feel this way. Allow yourself the opportunity to write it all down good or bad and start with one step at a time. I agree confrontations can cause stress and lots of mixed feelings. Heal yourself through God and allow Him to lead you and guide your every step and he will. Don’t give up on your family, because your family need you and you need them. Communication is key and by writing down your feelings can help a lot Miracles of Blessings.
It sounds like you are suffering from low-self -worth and may also have some co-dependency issues and need others to validate you instead of your being able to validate yourself. There is a lot of good info on youtube about all of this as well as programs and books about it.
I am trying to slow down and disassociate myself from my mother. I know that’s part of getting to know who I am as me without her influences anymore.
So I’m not sure how to accomplish that I know it’s I big part in my life to let go of. I’m just trying to figure out how that separation works and what it looks like for me.
I know I have my own perceived daemons. I know I need to come to grips that I’m not a psycho for my thoughts and things in my past. Yet again I can regurgitate what I believe will help me get past what I need to have inner peace and love my self.
I don’t know what that looks like for me. How to make it stick. It’s not as simple as flipping a bit and going another direction.
I need to tear down walls I’ve built and barriers I’ve hidden behind to keep myself alive.
So do I obsess. Depends on your perspective I would guess. For you, yes. It would consume
Me, This is just a meandering part of my problems. I’m still feeling defeated and done. Not just from the above, but body aches, relationships, children, work, life…
I’m hanging on my a thread. And maybe it’s just where I’m at so I don’t take the plunge, but ‘taking care of yourself is a responsibility’
I don’t have the self love to do that. If I don’t have that, I don’t have anything really, so, to me it’s trying to stay alive in a world that seems against me.
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