Back again : Hi all, back again; I was... - Anxiety and Depre...

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Back again

Mumma_h
Mumma_h

Hi all, back again; I was doing quite well in the last couple of weeks but I'm back in the thick of it again. I just don't see any hope for my life. Suicide isn't an option for me atm , my 16 year old daughter would just be lost in this world if she didn't have a home to come to. Don't see her a lot as she's just stays in her room but I know she'd be lost. The only thing keeping me going is the tablets the doctor gave me , anti anxiety; I'm supposed to have one a day but needed one in the morning and one at night , only got 3 left so dreading when they're finished as the doc said I can't have anymore, they don't understand they're actually keeping me alive. I'm a good mum ,I know I am , people tell me that, but life is just beating me. My 20 year old son has Tourette's which has taken its toll on me , he wipes himself out everyday with drinking and marijuana, I've stood by him all these years , his dad has turned his back on him and me and our daughter( our daughter also has epilepsy)and manipulated our other son to go and live with him; the son who has no problems and is happy and easy going . Their dad , my husband, is an abusive alcoholic but through all this he comes out smelling like roses while I'm left to deal with everything. He dumped the whole family when our daughter said she can't handle his drinking and drunken tirades and said she would live somewhere else if it didn't stop. To put it nicely he said stuff all of you's packed his bags and left that day . I don't see hope for my family anymore,my beautiful family. The years of working so so so hard to give us a good life has all fallen apart, I don't see hope for the depressive hole I am in . We had it all , 4 beautiful children, a nice home , o loved life ,and my husband destroyed every aspect of it , his mental abuse and lies and manipulation has finished me . He has Tourette's too but won't acknowledge it, he is cold and callous and blames me for everything. My family has fallen apart and its getting smaller and smaller until I'm sure I'll eventually I'll be just left here alone to die . I've put my whole life into my marriage and family all for it to end up like this . I've exhausted myself mentally and physically trying to get it right and have a happy life for all of them but nothing changes, it just gets worse and worse. I told my husband I'd stand by him if he'd quit drinking, I'd help him 100% all the way , but I was just told to shut up and get away . So down , so hopeless , so sad , I just don't see anything changing . Start my first psychologist appointment today which gives me some hope but then when I think about Ive put so much hope into things and they never work out . I'm devastated, in despair , I just want to die but I can't even do that, I feel there's no escape from this misery of life, I'm so depressed, I reached out to all my family and friends when I had a complete break down a few weeks ago and most of them were great but I don't want to burden them again. Anyone else worked so hard at something only to have it fail over and over ? I'm heartbroken and don't see any hope anymore , I feel like a complete failure ; my spirit for life and hope is so broken

25 Replies
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Am sorry you’re having a hard time right now. I know it seems like nothing getting better and your life will be struck like this All good things are difficult to achieve; and bad things are very easy to get. ... All good things are difficult to achieve; and bad things are very easy to get. ... I think if you're a good person and spread happiness, good things will come to.

We spend so much time trying to love others we forget to love ourselves and

I was with a man for 17 years and he

Ask me to merry him he belittle me

And beat me up when he wanted too

And he was alcoholic and so I became

An alcoholic trying to numb myself and

To Escape from the abusive man and he stop hitting me only to continue to talk

About me turning his kids against me and

I never had a voice when am with him and right now am alone because of him and

He knows all about my childhood trauma and sexually abuse and he still choose to

Do me wrong when I needed him and I feel stupid because I still talk to him today and every time I get depressed he leave me for another woman and I still wait on him like a fool it hurts to give your all believe me I know the only thing u can do now is work on yourself and start trying to be grateful for something everyday and start looking into things that makes u happy because u deserve to be happy and can u talk to your family doctor about getting more meds for your anxiety because u right u need them right now to get yourself through the hard parts and since u started therapy u really going to need the medication because you be dealing with a lot of emotions I wish u good luck and am here for u if u need me

Mumma_h
Mumma_h
in reply to tamka38

Hello tamka, your such a gem, notice you often reply to people and encourage them , you have beautiful heart. Isn't just awful t be treated so badly by the one wha supposed to love you. I too still wait on my husband to come home; hoping my family will be restored to what it should be , it's so painful. I am off to my first session, hope they can help me. Thankyou so much for your kind words , appreciate it very very much. Good to know we are not alone in our struggles, praying for a day of blessings for you ❤️

tamka38
tamka38
in reply to Mumma_h

Awwww, thank you. I praying your session goes well for u. And u be able to have skills to deal with your emotions and get a lot of stuff off your chest so u can feel a little better. I believe in you and am praying tomorrow is a better day for u because u deserve it

HiddenThis reply has been deleted
Mumma_h
Mumma_h
in reply to Hidden

That is just shocking, no wonder you have anxiety. Are you getting therapy for that , you would be so so traumatised. That's awful

You, yourself, as much as anybody else in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” “If you have the ability to love, love yourself first.” “Demonstrate love by giving it, unconditionally, to yourself. And as you do, you will attract others into your life who will love you without conditions.”

Mumma_h
Mumma_h
in reply to tamka38

Wow, never even considered the thought of loving myself, when I think about loving myself as I love others I feel hope and almost like my old self . Awesome thing to think about , very wise words . Thankyou so much ❤️❤️

tamka38
tamka38
in reply to Mumma_h

Awwwww You’re very welcome. You deserve to be happy too. So today write down everything that makes u happy.

Than make a small list of things to do

Like going to get or nails done or toes

Buying your favorite food going to the movies. Start working on yourself and

Good luck and please keep me updated

On your progress I believe u can do it

Loving others is easy. Loving yourself is hard. But the fact is that to be successful at anything in life, you first have to believe you ...

Give yourself a break. Stop beating yourself up! Everyone makes mistakes, has setbacks and failures. You don't come with a book on how to get it right all the time. You will fail sometimes, not because you planned to, but simply because you're human. Failure is a part of creating a great life. Stand up to it and handle it with grace. Because, you can.

Rather than beating yourself up for what you are not doing, appreciate and celebrate the things you are doing. When you shift your focus away from what you do not want, you can create a vision for what you do. Don't fight with yourself - focus on what you do, can do, choose to do, are ready to do.

Loss of the family unit is devastating and leaves a scar that will always be a hurting place. And...you do still have life, it will be different and new and still hard.

Your children need you and love you. You seem to be a caring and loving person. Your family are your children and they need your strength and guidance. That is not to say that you cannot share that you are having a hard time and let them know. But you will get better, there is hope, you will get better. I too have been in the depths of despair and i too had to break up my family unit and things are still hard, but I still have my children, and I have my life and myself.

Things will get better. All you can do is keep trying. And to start with baby steps to move forward in a safe, and peaceful, and right direction.

Hidden
Hidden

Oh my goodness this is such a heartbreaking story, I have so much compassion for you. Know this is the time to put yourself first, not for anyone else. I know the challenge & it sure is a big one. Stand as strong as you can for you. Fight the good fight, so sad there is no other way. I'm here for you & if you ever want to pm me feel free to do it! Here are dump trucks of love, peace, light, joy & hugs for you!

Hi Mumma_h. Im sorry to hear that you are going thru such a difficult time. But you are not alone; for you have your cyber family on here to reach out to. I can relate to you and tamka38 and so many others who have seen abuse in many forms, find someone they believe loves them and to find out they are betrayed by them thru the dark moments and getting the children to turn against us. Its a difficult time and I am still working on things. Good news tho, its definitely possible to work thru and overcome this overwhelming feeling of hopelessness. If I have your permission, I would like to pray for you to have strength, peace of mind, be encouraged to keep going; to continue to speak to your counselor. I want to pray for your children to be able to find the strength and positivity as well; encourage their peace of mind. It is a step by step process for each of you individually and as a whole family. It is going to be a process my dear friend, but it is oh so doable. Just believe in yourself. Learn to forgive those who have done wrong to you and forgive your thoughts that are attacking you that make you feel like you have failed. It is NOT your fault your husband drinks, it is NOT your fault he is an illness, it is NOT your fault that your children have an illness. What matters here is how you see yourself.... WHAT DO YOU BELIEVE IN? What are YOUR thoughts and your thought processes. You can wake up in the morning and see it as a chance to seize the opportunity to make a difference. ... a positive difference. Just by how you have your mindset. I am interested in how you felt your counselor meeting went. If you feel like it helped you. I believe in you. I encourage you. Please keep us posted on how you are doing. Hugs and smiles are free and goes for miles. :)

Mumma_h
Mumma_h
in reply to Sabio77

My councellor is great , I usually don't like councellors because maybe they think I'm lying, but she believes me. I swear on my life I'm not lying, feeling so insecure and scared I'll lose my beautiful son

Sabio77
Sabio77
in reply to Mumma_h

great, im glad you like her. How does she make you feel when you talk to her? It sounds like you enjoy going.

Mumma_h
Mumma_h
in reply to Sabio77

And if you wouldn't mind I would love you to pray for me and my children and I will pray for you and yours too . Thankyou from the bottom of my heart ❤️

Sabio77
Sabio77
in reply to Mumma_h

Awwwwww Mumma_h.... of course I will continue to remember you in prayer. And you can pray for me as well. Thank you that is so sweet of you.

Hey Sabio, Thankyou for caring . It means a lot right now. I'm not doing so well . My ex had to drive me home last night and half way he lost it , he tried to make me get out of the car in the middle of nowhere, I said no please take me home, and I wouldn't get out. He was saying horrible things about our kids and I just kept quiet so we wouldn't fight , then he just flipped. He said he was going to hit me so I said nothing. This morning I got a text from my son who now lives with him asking what I did to his dad. He believes his dad, I can't win , his dad is so so smart at twisting everything around. The more I try to help my son and tell the truth the angrier he gets with me so it's best if I say nothing. I've never met a person like him ; he has everyone fooled and no one believes me. He's so clever and I'm not . The physical emotional and psychological abuse was shocking, he would use knives to terrify me and then just tell people I was unstable. I would have to sleep outside and hide many nights or in the park. I could go on and on about more but I won't . He didn't ever bash me because that would leave bruises and he'd get found out . He's so so so smart and it works. Thankyou for caring I'm so lost right now

Sabio77
Sabio77
in reply to Mumma_h

Hey Mumma_h.... whats up....

Of course I care and so does lots of others on this cyber family.

Im sorry bout that ride home and the controlling actions against you. are you ok?

I was wondering, does he have any diagnosis for any illnesses that would make him want to act out in such a way? I am wondering about you and your children's safety. You say there is lots of different types of abuse. I am concerned for you. It is just a concern you may have as a mother and encourage you tell someone about this. It is not safe or healthy. Here's hugs to help you go the next minute with strength. Smiles to focus on your creator. He is your answer on how to handle this. Let me suggest something. You can choose what to do. Keep in mind that once a bully has found out that they have control over you. They will continue to torment you; any way that they can for self gratification. Also, bullies of any age or nationality all bleed the same. Just like those who get bullied. The one who is doing the abusive actions no matter what type it is, is actually hiding behind some kind of hurts. Don't forget. A man will treat a women or any relationship... family or friends or employer the way he was treated by his own mother or mother like figure in his life. Same way for the woman. How she acts in a relationship is how she was treated by her father or a father like figure when growing up. AN ADULT'S ACTIONS AND HOW THEY FEEL AND THINK IS THE PRODUCT OF HOW THEY WERE TREATED GROWING UP AND WHAT WAS TAUGHT TO THEM AND SAID TO THEM..... these are very important factors to remember while trying to SURVIVE. Honey, I have been in that survival mode. Its is scary. but I have good news for you. You can get to a better level of self and life. tell someone and take action. Here is another very important thing.... IF A PERSON DOESN'T DO ANYTHING TO HELP CHANGE THE SITUATION NO MATTER WHAT IT IS. TECHNICALLY, THEY HAVE NOTHING TO COMPLAIN ABOUT. because... they have not tried or not the right methods. A PERSON MUST KEEP GOING. CONSTANTLY LOOKING FOR WAYS TO LEARN AND IMPROVE. FOR WE WERE NOT CREATED TO LIVE IN A PRISONMENT LIFE STYLE BUT TO BE SET FREE AND TRUST OUR CREATOR. HAVE FAITH, TRUST.... believe in yourself. Hope this helps you and others who are reading. Keep us informed of how you are doing. So we know you are ok. All of us here care and have been thru difficult times. We need each other. :)

Mumma_h
Mumma_h
in reply to Sabio77

I hope your not blocked so we can continue to talk , it's giving me real hope

Mumma_h
Mumma_h
in reply to Mumma_h

Sorry sabio, about saying you might get blocked, I'm really bad on the internet and get confused with who msgd what. Tha was for col 88. Grrr, going to get someone to show me how to use it properly, first time I've talked to people on the internet. I don't do Facebook and all that , haha

Sabio77
Sabio77
in reply to Mumma_h

you are fine. hope you are doing ok.

Wow wow wow, I've had very bad problems with his mother. On one hand she is this lovely European woman and on the other an absolute bully herself. She has undermined and put me down too for all these years. Nothing, , and I mean nothing is good enough for her! She tells me I can't cook, clean, look after my children properly or do anything right. Her words swim around in my head every day. ( I have a nice home, a clean home and I've wrapped my whole life around my children and everyone else said I'm a lovely cook and I work hard too) I thought all these years I was just an awful daughter in law and let too much get to me ; my fault. When I had very serious depression for 5 years she was all I could think about. I thought it was all just in my head but recently my ex sister in law has been calling me in a state of real distress because of her mothers relentless put downs and constant criticism, she is starting councelling soon too because it's over whelming her. I hate that this is happening to her too but at least I know it's not all in my head because it's destroying her too. I'm really shocked, but excited too that you asked about my ex husbands mother , because it means I CAN heal from this . I am definitely safe from my ex, he couldn't care less about me, according to him I'm blessed to have him in my life because he's the perfect human being, he wouldn't go out of his way to hurt me , I'm not worth that much to him, not worried at all, in fact I think he's blocked my number so I can't hurt his life with my uselessness. He has a huge ego,he has all the signs of a narcissist to me. Words cannot express my gratitude for sharing with me, I believe it is from god !! I'm excited to start healing, my councellor is a Christian and next week we are going to start talking about my childhood, I was sexually abused a few times but I rarely talk about it, so it won't be easy but so hopeful for healing, and especially now that you've told me these things. I really like Derek princes sermons, and when I have time to myself I will do the prayers of healing. You have given me hope!!! I'm doing ok , I have a son who is 20 and makes bad choices, I didn't discipline him properly, my ex husbands family wouldn't really let me and because of my husbands behaviour I felt sorry for him too. I feel god has revealed to me it's not too late to discipline him, he's still at home . He could've killed himself in his car yesterday, hit a barrier at 100 kms but not a scratch on him , his car is still drivable , but he has no license either so I've blocked it in with my car , I won't allow him to put others in danger. I'm standing my ground and I've asked a good friend to hold me accountable to that. The stress my son has caused me has been unbearable,and he is deeply cared for and loved by me and my family, but now god has given me hope for him, it's not too late , it's like disciplining a child; but I can do this , I want to because I love him so much.

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