Worried about my obsession with my ex at times

I agreed to go to an event where I talked across from this guy with blue eyes like hunt had. But he looked nothing like him. I payed attention to everything he was telling me. I was trying so hard to improve my focus and awareness in situations I’m uncomfortable in because it happens often where I dissociate when I’m first meeting someone. The anxiety was only bad in the beginning this time. This was great practice because after talking to him all night I went home and felt ok. The guy messaged me and I was surprised he said how attentive and charming I was and how much he liked me and it instantly triggered me that this was how it was when I met hunt. I started crying and am while I am writing this. I’m triggered about hunt leaving like it was nothing and then all the nights I sat on my bathroom floor crying screaming that I did everything he asked of me. How much I couldn’t understand how he could not need me anymore when he was the only thing I wanted in this world that is so difficult for me to connect in. It’s been more than 6 months now and although I should meet new people just to at least get some human interaction, I got sick, I got sick that I enjoyed time with someone although I deserve it. It’s just so hard because I know I’d rather be locked in my room working on my assignments miserable then be happy meeting new people because hiding is what I do best. I can be social and outgoing for 1 night but that’s not the real me. People who know me would never describe me like that. Most people who know me longer than a night or two will say how disconnected I am or like my sister says “in my own world” people without bad social anxiety just don’t understand fully... 😞 if you read this all the way through, thank you. 🙏🏼

[Ava20]

Its ok if u r gng through this process, ull heal and move on with time, the very step of talking to this guy was a first big step. You were so involved with ur previous bf that it won't be easy to get rid of those feelings. And to be true ull never forget him truly n u might get his memories even when u r 80 yrs old. And that's ok, with time ull be hurt less, then ull just cherish those memories, cuz they will remind u of how u were able to love a person so much.

Its his loss that he left you, but it doesn't mean that u cannot feel the loss and take ur time with it. Healing is a very long process but ull heal for sure.

[Hidden in reply to Ava20]

Thank you Ava20! Healing is a rollercoaster ride it seems.

[TheGalician]

Your post raises a lot of questions.

1. Did you actually enjoy your time with blue eyes or was it just “ok” .

2. You appear to have been moved when he said “how much he liked me” which reminded you of Hunt. Is it the (1) person, (2) experience of the person or (3) being liked (or accepted) by the person that is most important?

3. “the only thing I wanted in this world that is so difficult for me to connect in” is a strong statement. Do you feel connected to yourself and have you ever had an experience of being truly connected to yourself? At peace with yourself and the world around. A sense that “all is well and all matters of things will be well”.

4. Have you always been, as your sister describes, “in my own world”. How would you describe “my own world”.

5. Is social anxiety the cause or effect of your disconnection?

6. Can you remember back to the very first time you felt this sense of disconnection? Can you describe it in more detail.

You might find Johann Hari’s book - “Lost Connections” - of interest.

[Hidden in reply to TheGalician]

Thank you for responding to my post, I was getting a bit discouraged from posting. Although, venting is still nice. I haven't asked myself these questions and I appreciate you reading my post thoroughly enough to have me analyze these. 1.) Both, I enjoyed my time, but I would still consider it "ok". It went ok. maybe a bit better than I expected, so great.

2.) I was moved by what he said because it was more than that he liked me. He said a lot more complements than I mentioned. He found me very attractive. The things truly moved me because I know myself enough to know i'm not all of these great things. It makes me moved yet saddened like I should not be on a pedastal if hunt left me for other girls. I think all three is important but being liked is not as important as the experience and the person. This may have caused my great insecurity in our relationship. I felt like I knew he did not love me as much as I loved him but he pulled off a good fascade of making me feel wanted by his passive demands. "I don't want you talking to any other guys" type stuff. I craved that from him.

3.) That is a strong statement, but I felt emotions for him so deeply. There was a moment in time that I still feel time to time that if he wasn't in my life, nothing motivated me to live. Of course i'm aware there are many reasons to live, but he made me feel a bit more alive by the way we connected to one another.

4.) My sister has been saying i've been in my own world for a while. I would describe it as trying to escape from my reality by dissociating. When my reality is what I want, I can captured in it. My reality with hunt was the reality I didn't want to fall asleep from. For once in my life I didn't want to sleep for over 8-9 hours at a time... I wasn't depressed.

5.) yes, i'd say so.

6.) I felt this first disconnect when I was in high school, when I became more of a loner.

I will definitely look into getting and reading that book.

Thank you for the recommendation.

[Hidden]

I'm rather introverted and in my own world myself. Breaking up is hard to do. Even though it hurts being the one who was left, I will bet in some ways it was hard for him to leave you too, even though it may not seem like it to you. Give yourself some time before easing back into dating. Get to know yourself again before getting all hung up on someone else. Cultivate some friendships. ❤️

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Thank you so much for those words. I really hope so. I hope you had a good christmas Hidden