Hi. This is my first ever post on a forum (of any kind).
I've been struggling with depression for over a year now, and to be honest, at this point.. I don't even know if I 'feel' depressed anymore. I'm not sure if I've become numb to it, or if it has just melted away. I also developed severe anxiety issues from the beginning of 2018, and it reached its peak last week when it distorted my appetite which made me throw up. Perhaps it's the reason why my period cycle got affected and I had suicidal thoughts.
I don't know how to explain myself and what I feel to anyone. My partner doesn't get it either - not that he doesn't try... But he doesn't understand the gravity of these negative emotions, and how it forces me to hate myself. I feel really alone most of the times. It doesn't matter if I'm with family, my partner or my friends - I feel really distant because I feel like I have lost the ability to communicate my pain to them. I don't try a lot anymore. A couple of firm 'I'm fine's with some eye contact definitely does the trick.
I really want somebody to help me. I have started to hate myself for being able to see what is rational, and yet not being able to do anything remotely close to it. I just can't do it, maybe not on my own.
I try to see my anxiety and problems in context of my life, and the universe. How trivial and small these problems can seem, if you treat them that way. How small these issues are, if you assume that you, alone, have the strength to overcome them. But I don't understand how I'm able to see this gulf and yet not do anything about it.
I feel really miserable in this pain, especially because I know I can do so much more in life without this anxiety and perhaps depression that is crippling me and my potential.
I've tried so much... And haven't overcome it, but neither have I let the anxiety or depression lock me down. That's a plus point, I guess?