My first post; Overwhelming anxiety

[Mynoor]

Hi. This is my first ever post on a forum (of any kind).

I've been struggling with depression for over a year now, and to be honest, at this point.. I don't even know if I 'feel' depressed anymore. I'm not sure if I've become numb to it, or if it has just melted away. I also developed severe anxiety issues from the beginning of 2018, and it reached its peak last week when it distorted my appetite which made me throw up. Perhaps it's the reason why my period cycle got affected and I had suicidal thoughts.

I don't know how to explain myself and what I feel to anyone. My partner doesn't get it either - not that he doesn't try... But he doesn't understand the gravity of these negative emotions, and how it forces me to hate myself. I feel really alone most of the times. It doesn't matter if I'm with family, my partner or my friends - I feel really distant because I feel like I have lost the ability to communicate my pain to them. I don't try a lot anymore. A couple of firm 'I'm fine's with some eye contact definitely does the trick.

I really want somebody to help me. I have started to hate myself for being able to see what is rational, and yet not being able to do anything remotely close to it. I just can't do it, maybe not on my own.

I try to see my anxiety and problems in context of my life, and the universe. How trivial and small these problems can seem, if you treat them that way. How small these issues are, if you assume that you, alone, have the strength to overcome them. But I don't understand how I'm able to see this gulf and yet not do anything about it.

I feel really miserable in this pain, especially because I know I can do so much more in life without this anxiety and perhaps depression that is crippling me and my potential.

I've tried so much... And haven't overcome it, but neither have I let the anxiety or depression lock me down. That's a plus point, I guess?

Aroma K.

[deea21]

Hi aromakk7. I’m really sorry to hear that you’re going through all this pain and I can say from the bottom of my heart that I can resonate with your story. I can understand every word you’re saying. I think this is your own battle with yourself and you can only find your answers within you while working with your mind. I hope you can find yourself, strength and to start love yourself more to discover your beautiful soul. Big hug. I’m here with you ❤️❤️🤗

[Mynoor in reply to deea21]

Hey Deea21, sorry for getting back so late to you. I really appreciate your kind words! I actually didn't even think anybody would read my post, but just writing it down felt good. Your response, along with 2-3 other responses really lifted my spirit. Big hug back to you and wish you lots of love and strength. <3

[morenews]

Hi, aromakk7 and welcome to the community. I think that you need help any way possible, and it is not uncommon that not all people understand, even close to us, like your partner. It is difficult to understand if you are "outside" of those feelings and issues. Here we do understand, we share and help each other. So i hope you will find support and help here and also would find some tools (which we share as well) what works for some of us.

Would you try or tried before therapy ? Or medication? Those are also helpful options, and it could be temporary to get you out of the worst stage of it...and teach you some technics which you can use on your own. All of this is individual though, some people benefit from some things...but others -don't. It takes time to find what would help you, but it is useful to search for those tools. I use mediation, physical activities, walking outside, journal, breathing technics, and of course -this community helps me a lot.

Good luck to you and we always here to help out.

[Mynoor in reply to morenews]

Hi Morenews, I really appreciate you taking the time out to respond to my post! And thanks to you and 2-3 other people for making my experience of posting my first public post so warm.

I have been considering medication, but I'm not in a financial position to pay for a doctor's consultation fees or see a therapist as I do not have a medical insurance (as of now). I have been trying to use guided meditation apps too.

My partner, unfortunately, experience anxiety for the first time 1-2 weeks back, and has been relatively more sympathetic with me. He is able to understand how it can be overwhelming and finally see why its not so easy to just "suck it up, and get things done".

I have started going on walks/jogs outside and I will try to be more consistent with my posts... Just writing the first post made me feel much better, and all of your responses really lifted my spirit.

Thank you again for the warm welcome!

[Mynoor in reply to Mynoor]

(Though seeing a therapist is the first thing I'm going to do after I get my health insurance)

[Hidden]

I like listening to this when I need a boost:

youtube.com/watch?time_cont...

[Mynoor in reply to Hidden]

Thank you for your suggestion! I really appreciate you even taking the time out and helping me