Marriage and resentment - how to deal with it

[Hay34]

Married for 13 years - 2 children 11 and 12 . Worked 5 years whilst managing my children and home whilst husband worked five days a week away . He chose to live in a part of the country anear his family , I have had Had various jobs to cover certain costs- husband got more and more successful , husband still continues to work away and doesn't connect over the week - is angry and detached . I worked full time for one month to see if it would change the way he looked at me and it didn't I was still paying a once a week cleaner managing the dogs , holidays and kids sick days whilst he continued to work away ! I ended up handing my notice in as the house and everything else overwhelmed me - my pay cheque covered his two days at work yet the chaos it brought was in my eyes not worth it ! I still cooked , cleaned , walked dogs did the activities ! I have been a stay at home mum for five months and my husband continuously makes comments about my daily life and says I don't contribute - he looks at me with such distaste and gives me very little money in my bank account yet the bills come out of it - we don't have a joint account and he makes me feel like I'm some loser who lives off him ! I shouldn't feel like I can't order a drink or take my kids out for a meal without him but I do - I feel I have no right to buy myself anything as I don't work ! I don't think this is normal and I need help

[Kat63]

I hate men who are bad to women about money and jobs. The whole world is set up to make it easy for men to work, and difficult for women.

[-Sasha-]

I see several signs of manipulation. Imbalance of power, shaming, guilt tripping, and hypocrisy. If you don't put your foot down now and change your habits, that make him feel like he can continue to treat you like this, then it will only get worse for you. You might completely lose yourself and it can be extremely hard to dig your way out of that hole. I don't sugar coat when it comes to this, because I'm currently digging my way out. It took words that I didn't like hearing to open my eyes. Now that they're open, I'm seeing everything for what it truly was.

[Africschoice in reply to -Sasha-]

Your words are so true, I dug myself out of one pit that lasted 13 years only to find myself in an even deeper pit, same mo, money, self worth, manipulation only I've been here 25 years and won't get another chance, be strong you will survive

[Celtic27]

Hi there I Was getting really angry reading your post your husbands a jerk looking after 2 kids and a house is a FULL TIME job if he chooses to work away then it's not your fault any man would try and be there for you and your kids! I'm sorry but youve got to ask your self is this the life you deserve which I would say of course not have you tried councilling if he won't then that tells you all you need to know have you the means to fund a separation I know it would be hard but staying together for the children is not ideal given that the children will pick up on what's happening and it will affect them! I'm not saying break up straight away but try counselling and do what is reasonable and then make a decision but take care of your self and stay self 🙏

[fauxartist]

well....it sounds to me like he was not ever really committed.....and it's time for you to decide what you want in life. The marriage is over, and he obviously is using you to vent his anger....start making plans for what you want to do and find other things outside this relationship that make you happy. If you choose to stay with him, then tell him to shut the hell up that you have had enough of his crap and if he is so unhappy to move out and move on. Nobody deserves to be treated less than, and everyone deserves to be as happy and confident about themselves as they can be. You should seek some legal advice to set in place his part of the responsibility for child care and maintenance for the home, and get yourself some counseling to help you with your decision process. You and the children will ultimately be happier with all this negativity gone.

[Freeinchris]

I'm sorry your going through this. I know how it feels to have a dominating husband. I know how it feels to try and try but its never good enough. but its time to start focusing on YOU! whats best for YOU! Who YOU are! Whats best for your kids! Find out who you are...what do you need, what do you love, whats your favorite color? ect. What is your favorite way to receive love? Whats your favorite way to give love? Start taking care of you. Are you healthy physically? Change your focus and your focus will change

When you shift your focus on you it will change. What you put up with will also change. You will start to realize you are worth more, you are worth taking up for, you are worth being treated better. We teach people how to treat us. I'm slowly learning that I'm allowed to demand better for myself. If people don't care enough to treat me as good as I treat them then they can move along cause I don't have time in my short life to entertain their self-loathing meanness!

Spend time reading books that help encourage your self worth and building up your confidence where it should be.

You deserve better!

Your kids deserve a healthy, confident mamma that will show them how to live a happy life

[Hay34]

Thank you ! As heartbreaking as it is to read other peoples advice it's so true and it's exactly how I feel and those around me feel too ! I have two children who are aware of the conflict and the weekends where he walks in with a moody face after being a away all week ! My father worked away and he would come in and give my mother a big hug and call his family every night ! I need to get strong and get legal advice !! I am so very grateful for everyone and replies ! Thank you so much !