Marriage getting me down

[Strongcow]

Hi friends. It's weird to find myself here, but I'm sure many of you have thought that too. Life has always been stressful for me, long story. Now it's really starting to wear me down and writing this feels good, if for nothing else, then for recognizing that I am human.I moved across the country to a place where I know no one except my spouse (before living with or sleeping with each other, if you could imagine that), started a rigorous academic program, and on top of that work part time to make ends meet..friends are far, family is far, favorite familiar places and comforts are far. Things are a bit rocky with the spouse now. He uses marijuana, which in short I'm not cool with since he doesn't have a medical reason to do so. I'm fine with marijuana, I guess, just don't want the parent of future potential children to use it. I feel like a wet rag for feeling this way, and I wish I could stop caring. This experience and interactions have unveiled something deeper and that is that the spouse puts self over me, lacks in support and caring, and can be dishonest to avoid disputes. It was a hard blow. I feel like the trust has built over 5 years has been broken. I want to allow these natural discussions to happen and be ok, but functioning day to day is getting hard. As we have the same discussion over and over again, I see he will not be changing anytime soon, nor will I. I don't know how to describe it, but if I could have the power to, I would close myself and retreat. I'm proud and I want to work through these things on my own. I want to separate myself from spouse until I am able to be as independent and callous as spouse seems to me. If I could fix it, I would, but in some ways it seems unfixable except for what time will do as it runs it's course. I don't know, what now. Keep going about the day-to-day I guess.

[Rick1on1]

Hi,

When I first started using this site, it felt strange to tell others about myself. The beauty is its anonymity - so you can really share your most deepest truths and fears. As you say, sometimes it's enough just to get it out in writing as that in itself is therapeutic.

You also need to recognise that you are a strong and brave person. You got married without sexual relations - that's courageous! You moved cross country because of the belief in yourself! You study and work at the same time which shows you are dedicated and hard working. So pat yourself on the back for that and keep reminding yourself of it.

As for your hubby, smoking MJ everyday is dangerous - it's a personality changer. I smoked for years and I messed up my marriage and business. I now smoke once a week only - Saturdays are my cheat days LOL - it makes a big difference.

I would suggest speaking with a doctor about getting some mild antidepressant and anxiety meds - just to help cope.

The real decision however is what to do about your relationship. Staying with it as things are is going to destroy you. I saw how a one-sided relationship affect my ex and still feel guilt about it.

If you feel that you have given your all; then it is time for a separation. Maybe that will wake your hubby out of his stupour and he can start rebuilding the trust he lost.

So, my advice is that going at it day by day is not the answer. You need to take charge, change direction because becoming self-absorbed and callous is not who you really are!

[Thess1988]

I broke up a couple of months ago bc my ex boyfriend was an alcoholic. He didn’t see it. I’ve also dated a guy who smokes every day. It’s a matter of values. What type of father do you want for your future children. Please don’t expect him to change, he won’t.

I read somewhere that you should choose a man who you want your child to become an exact copy of. Because your child prob will.

That will make you think. I wish you all the luck!

[Elmwoodman]

Hi there, As a person dealing with an unhappy marriage, my best advice is, if you've given your best, don't waste your life trying to fix someone that doesn't want to change. I found notes and letters that I wrote to my self discussing my unhappiness dating back 13 years of a 30 year relationship. I can't get those years back but am trying to make the best of the future. I am trying to learn to put my self first for the first time of my life. Take care of your self and don't look back with regret. Best of luck.

[Windy101]

Are you willing to try marriage counseling? A community agency may offer it on a sliding scale if you insurance doesn't cover it.

To me it sounds like there are issues of boundaries, expectations for the future, and compatability going on. You deserve to be happy. Your spouse should be your partner, your love, the person who has your back and that you can count on. Settling for less will only make you unhappy for what you're missing.

If he won't go to counseling, go for yourself and figure out what you want to do. I'm so glad you posted and wish you the very best.

[SuZQ154]

Your feelings of frustration, anger, and sadness are understandable. You want to be heard and you would like to have a healthy relationship now and in the future when children may be involved. Although you say your marriage is rocky, your tone tells me you still love him and would like to work on it. I admire that you did not sleep with your husband before you were married. My husband and I are similar and I believe we did the right thing!

Have you considered marriage counseling, or at least individual counseling? Both have helped me and our marriage. It gives you a place to vent, to cry, to learn new strategies to make yourself and your marriage better, and a professional, non-biased perspective! Please consider this. Also, having "date night" helps us to refocus on what we have going for marriage and not what is going wrong.

Hope things get better! Blessings to you, friend.