Depression and being single

I'm 24 and I have been single my whole life. I mean no date, no kiss, nothing. I try to stay optimistic but when I'm at my most depressed I tell myself that I'll be alone forever. It's to the point where I've started making plans for a life alone. I struggle to make friends and really connect with people so in my mind it seems realistic. I wonder if perhaps because of my mental health issues I can't find someone. Maybe I push people away without realising, or my standards are far too high. I just need some encouragement really to not go into my dark place tonight.

[11112020]

I had a friend who was similar and started dating for the first time at 29. He's married now. He had high standards too. You will be okay. Even starting to chat with a few people on a dating site could maybe help to build your confidence. When lockdown eases doing activities in person too, I know it's easier said than done.

[Hidden in reply to 11112020]

Thank you for the encouragement, it makes me feel way less alone and a lot more hopeful ❤️

[FearIsALiar in reply to Hidden]

Be picky and never settle for less! Take your time 💗

[Hidden]

Hey, you're not alone. My first boyfriend didn't come along until I was about 26. We got married 2 years later. 11 years have passed and we our bond is as strong as ever. My cousin never had a boyfriend until she was in her 30s. I attended her wedding about 4 years ago. Don't give up!

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Thank you, I won't ❤️

[Dreamer27]

Hi Cloudbreaker,

I kind of understand where you're coming from. I'm a year younger than you and have never been in a serious relationship. I'm the only in my family that doesn't have a significant other. I don't think it's because of high standards - they're are practical so it's not that. But I'm in the same boat as you. Sometimes I lead myself to think I'm incapable of developing a relationship due to past but also mental issues. Let me know if you ever want to talk. I'm sure we can relate.

[Hidden in reply to Dreamer27]

Thank you for your answer, it's good to know I'm not alone ❤️ Hopefully we'll both meet the one for us one day and he won't care what we've been through 💕

[Shnookie]

We all care 4 U in this group. We have all come to this group from different kinds of backgrounds. Especially during this time of the Epidemic 😷 since I live by myself I can get very lonely at times. I try to do things to make me feel better when this happens. I start listening to music I like on You Tube

and this can go from The Bee Gees Staying alive tosoothing music from

Andrea Bocelli. Please tell me what U mean about going into a dark place ? It concerns me when U write about this.

If you need to reach out there is the Suicide

Prevention Hotline and Nami a Peer

Mentor hotline. Remember I’m always here 4 U hugs 🤗 Shnookie.

[Hidden in reply to Shnookie]

Thank you for your answer, I just meant going into a depressive state. I cheered myself up by watching YouTube videos which always helps me feel better ❤️

[Kainan]

Hey. I'm in the same boat as you and I'm 4 years older. I feel those feelings get worse during this time of year. Just tonight been dealing with some intense emotions. haha watching videos on Youtube made me feel a bit better too.

This summer I've been talking to a girl I met earlier this year and we made plans to go out, but with the situation right now it never happened. And my connection with her is fading. Never dated before, so I'm kinda bummed out. People always say "it'll happen," but I just don't know. Best of luck to us both

[Hidden in reply to Kainan]

Best of luck to you, hopefully we'll soon have something happy to report 🤞🏾❤️

[Lazy_dog_lover]

I can totally relate, Cloudbreaker. Don't think of it as planning for a life alone, just think of it as planning your life. I have pushed people away. I have had people leave me because I was too much work.

You can only control what is in your circle of control. Make plans for the concrete, tangible things in your life. Career. Hobbies.

Then you can branch out. Therapy or life coaches can help with friendship skills. Intentional role playing practice of what to say and ask. I am very pragmatic and get to the point quickly. I learned I have to go back and add some fluff in emails that showed interest in others.

I used a website to find people with similar interests. As frustrating as they are, I am close with my family.

I am 50. My last boyfriend was when I was 21. There are many reasons. I am content most if the time. I reach out when I need it.

Don't give up on what you want. There are ways to learn the skills you think you are missing. You are fine the way you are, but if you choose to grow, you can do that, too.

[Hidden in reply to Lazy_dog_lover]

Thank you for your answer, it makes me feel a lot more optimistic 😊 You're right, I can invest in the more tangible things in my life and enjoy it more and if I find someone great, if I don't, it's okay. Thanks for reminding me that I'm fine the way I am 😊 ❤️

[FearIsALiar in reply to Lazy_dog_lover]

Well said!

[SuZQ154]

I understand! There is HOPE!!!

Like you, I was NOT a dater in high school nor college, until my junior year! I used to think there was something wrong with me! But, I also did not believe in dating around...I wanted to "date" my husband. That's what happened...we dated as juniors and then married right after collge.

Fast forward...after 24 years of marriage, he had been unfaithful and wanted to divorce. I was devastated. For the next six years, AGAIN, I did not date...I still believed I only wanted to "date" my husband and then understood i wanted to marry a Christian. I needed those six years to heal...but then I started "dating" my new husband. We have been married for eleven years and it has been overall wonderful!

Please believe there is someone for YOU!

[Hidden in reply to SuZQ154]

Thank you for sharing your story 😊 I won't give up hope that there is someone out there for me ❤️

[Freakinout3]

I'm 49 but through out my life I could never keep a lover, a companion, or even a close friend... I've always retreated into my ambitions to escape the pain of loneliness... This gave me purpose and meaning to my life... At 40 years old my love interests all dried up and gave up the search... and realized the reason I am not in a relationship is because through my pain and rejection my life was meant for a higher purpose... Now I realize the people who rejected me were usually shallow, pretentious, lazy, and unconcerned... This gave me relief... Because they just wanted to drag me down as I continued my Ascension to success.

[Reading_Rando in reply to Freakinout3]

I think it's better to be alone by yourself than alone with other people. I do naively like to beleive though that the world is big enough for their to be someone out there for us somewhere.

[Hidden in reply to Reading_Rando]

I agree 👍🏾

[Chocoholic_18_x]

You literally just described me! I’m 18, and I have never had a relationship, been kissed, been on a date etc. and it can be annoying in a world where everyone is obsessed with sex! I’m starting to realize that, even though I feel like a loser at times, I am on my own journey in life, when the time is right, it will happen! And I believe you should feel the same way! 24 is young and you should be enjoying life! Plus, I know loadsss of people who are single their whole life (non-religious) and are confident in it! Keep on going! You got this!♥️

(Check out my latest post on my social anxiety, hope you can relate to it and feel better!)

[Hidden in reply to Chocoholic_18_x]

Thank you 😊 ❤️

[venusofthenorth]

It's easy for me to say you'll be fine on your own given I'm of similar age and I've had romantic entanglements before, but I'm not wrong. A lot of us, experienced or no, have no use of companions of romantic and/or sexual in nature. I've seen a lot of people wanting relationships half of them hoping to God some other person is going to fix them, fix their cognitive health struggles, accomplish them somehow which is quite awful TBH. Whenever people find loneliness to be the issue the primary problem is rarely ever that they're actually lonely or disenfranchised or unattractive, but rather that they've failed to find comfort in themselves and are seeking approval of everybody else to be OK people. For neurotypical people it initially seems nonsensical to stay on your own given there's literally billions of other people out there, but none of them will ever make you happy unless you're happy on your own to begin with. Take a breath. Make your plans, but rather than assuming you're making plans to stay alone, make plans to keep yourself somewhat happy and occupied regardless of what people you're involved with at the time. You're not doomed. You're not terrible. You're just one in a million having a common issue dealing with yourself, who you are and what that really means to you.

[Hidden in reply to venusofthenorth]

Thank you for your input, I'm working on self love and living my life for me. I don't want to be with someone in the hope that they'll 'fix' me. Being content with myself and living a good life is all that matters 😊

[venusofthenorth in reply to Hidden]

If you really feel that way you'll get there and in time somebody's going to discover you and love you for what you are. Fun fact is nobody in the world is ever really truly despised by everyone. Everybody really have a few to pick from over the course of their lifetime even if they're not apparent to us right now.

[sunandbutterfly]

Don't give up. My husband kissed me for the first time when he was 32. He never had a girlfriend before me. One of my uncles had never been with a woman until he married my aunt when he was in his 40s.

Let me know if you might find any additional resources for singles to be helpful.

[Hidden in reply to sunandbutterfly]

Thank you, it's nice knowing that love has no age 😊

[Reading_Rando]

Dates, kissing, sex and all that other stuff arnt worth anything compared to the value of someone who actually loves and respects you. You won't be alone forever, there are people out there, you just probably havnt met them yet.

If you want proof just look at all these random people who felt moved by you.

[Hidden in reply to Reading_Rando]

All of these answers have helped me to realise that, thank you 😊

[FearIsALiar]

I know the feeling

[lena16]

Hello Cloudbreaker! I'm 23 and I'm exactly like you, so you're not alone! Sometimes I do think I'm weird but then I remember why I'm single. The way I think about it is I want to bring the best version of myself to others, and I don't want them to feel like they have to fix me and be my happiness, because that's not fair to them. Personally, I haven't had the energy or the capacity to seriously entertain the idea of a relationship when I could barely get out of bed in the mornings and manage my responsibilities. I don't think I would be a good partner either with the way I can disappear on people for periods of time during my bad days. So I look at this as a time for me to work on my mental health, because once I'm happy and healthy then I'm in a state where I can share that with someone. Although I have been struggling with depression for years so sometimes I wonder when I think I'll ever be mentally healthy enough, but I am in a better place than I was a few years ago so that's a start!

It's a long journey, but just know that you are not strange and you're not alone! We're in this together, and we just have to take things slowly day by day, and eventually things will work out. I strongly believe that! For now though, it's okay to just focus on our mental health and learning to love ourselves so we can better love others. It's hard to not get sucked into our dark places, but I hope that when you come out of it you'll see my message and it will bring you a little comfort to know that I'm rooting for you and your happiness as we both go through this. Much love!

[Hidden in reply to lena16]

Thank you for your answer, I'm working on my mental health and being the best version of myself 😊 Your words have been very comforting, it's always nice to know you're not alone ❤️