My dad has controlled me for a long time in my life and I just don't know how to get past it and what the balance is. Like I think I would like to have a relationship with him someday but that doesn't seem like a possibility right now because his disorder is very bad and my parents are still married (although I am trying to stay out of it and live my life but the problem is I can't seem to break free). In the mean time I feel like I cannot live my life for many reasons. Some them are but no limited to:
1)Bad mental health
2)Fear of discovering my sexuality/gender
3)Spiritual dilemmas that include my overall identity as a human BEING. Idk.
3)Difficulty in figuring out what I want to do in my life
4) A lot of anxiety
These are just a few basically it is just who I am right now and have been for a long time and I really want to transform who I am so that I don't have to even speak so logically, like the bulleted points above.
If anyone has experience with a dad like this or any of the feelings I explained above or just in general any tips of support, holla at me please and thank you.
I have a narcissistic father as well. It seems as though it controls every aspect of my life even when I went away to college. It causes us to change the way we think and function as human beings completely. My advice would be to check in on yourself every day. Analyze your actions and come up with what was an influence from your father, in those things, see if you can operate in a different way. For example, if you felt anxious about opening up to someone today, tell yourself that this is a projection of your family and that your life does not revolve around him.
My Dad is a text book narcissist. My Mum and Dad divorced when I was very young because of his cheating. A lot of the things he says can be hurtful and insensitive. But I don’t see that much of my Dad and when I do its just for a short time like a having a meal out with me and my sister. When I was younger his comments would play on my mind and his outrageous flirting with anything with a pulse was cringingly embarrassing for me as a teenager. But since I’ve got older now (41) I just feel really sorry for him. I can see he has a problem and will never be content with his life and the woman he married because he always thinks the grass is greener. He does care about me in his own way and tells me he loves me but their just words and never actions. Luckily my mum is nothing like him so I have a parent who was there for me and always will be. Its hard being the child of a narcissist but remember its not your fault and they’re unaware of how they are.
If you opened a dictionary (or googled it) a picture of my dad would be there. I don't know how many times I am blown away by him. I'm always say that I dont understand. How could someone act like he does. My mom would start drinking her wine as soon as she knew that he was on his way home from work. They were married for 43 yrs and she died of colon cancer May 31, 2019. On the day of her funeral he gave me their wedding rings and told me that his contract is over. 3 days later he met another woman at his grief support good and started living with her the next day. A few weeks later she moved into my dads house. Within a month he got rid of all my moms things. I told him over and over again that I wanted her clothes because I wanted to make quilts out of them and he instead donated them. Then, on my moms birthday he called my husband "not me" and told him to let me know that they are getting married. They got married 2 days later.
My son goes to college and every semester we have 3-$3500 installments to pay. We make 2- installments my dad makes 1- installment. Well, we have had one HELL of a year. On July 2nd of this year he took a whole bottle of Tylenol and didn't tell anyone. Until, he friend got a hold of us and told us. That was 2 hours later. Thank god he is fine but we later have learned that this is the 3rd time in a year and a half that he has tried committing suicide. He was diagnosed with bipolar with psychosis. He has been in a mental hospital 3 times this year. He had to come home from college for several months because he couldnt be by himself. Due to the economy and medical bills we have gotten 5 mortgage payments behind.
We had two cars and I totaled one and got a check for $8,000 and my son was taking the other car back to college because all transportation on campus has stopped due to the virus. He had to take it. He wouldn't be able to get help if he needs it and he wasn't going to be able to get to his doctors appointments, grocery store, classes. Nothing. We also had to get caught up on our mortgage (my dad knew we were very behind), and we had to find another car for me and our other 2 kids to drive. My dad wanted us to buy his 2019 Toyota Avalon for $450 a month for 5 years. The kicker was that the kids were not allowed to drive it. Well' that was not gonna work. So, we said thank you but it wouldn't work for our family. We ended up buying a car.
I havent told you about our teenage daughter having bipolar and being in the mental hospital 2 times this year for suicide idealization. We also found out that she is anorexic and needed to go to a eating disorder hospital. Everyday for 9 weeks we had to drive her to the center 45 minutes away. She was there for 10.5 hrs a day seven days a week. So, we would drive, drop her off, drive home, drive back, pick her up and come home. We have had to spend so much money on medical this year that we met our maximum out of pocket for family. $16,000. So, when we got that check it was used on the hospital so our daughter could keep being in the program, our mortgage, and a little on the car. My dad knew what we had been going thru. Because we got that check he decided that he was done paying for college. He told us this when it was his time to pay. Instead he went on vacation. He is also not hurting for money either.
Well, our son has one more semester and he graduates from college. Even tho he went thru hell he NEVER let himself get behind in school. He has one more class that he has to take next semester. Because we were 4 days late on that 2nd installment the school put a hold on our sons account so he couldn't register for the one class he had left. We were working with the school to resolve the hold but our son panicked and called his grandpa, told him the situation and was told absolutely not that his parents needed to stop spending money. WTH?
When it comes down to it, he stopped helping because we wouldn't buy his car. It was his way of having a temper tantrum.
I have followed my parents my whole life. My mom was my best friend and I would always stick up for her to my dad. Now that she has passed...When our daughter graduates high school in 2 1/2 years I AM SOOOOOOOOOO OUT OF HERE!!!!! I have blocked his and his wifes phone numbers, I refuse to go over there for holidays, birthdays, ANYTHING!!! My whole family is fine with us not going. He lives 10 minutes from me. I want to finally be FREE!!!!I am 47 yrs old and I am ready to start living my life. I know that I will never understand him and I know that I can't change him, but I can leave. You can too.
Thank you for your heartfelt message. Your story is really intense and it will take me time to process it because I almost don't feel ready to hear your truthful words. I think it will take time to break my compulsions that I have in relation to how I react to my dad. But if I am willing I know I can do it. Thank you for shining light on the willingness aspect.
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