Are they ok?

[RDC81]

I'm looking for a bit of advice/ reassurance with regards to my children. They say they're fine with the split, they say its fine only seeing their Dad for an hour at a time which is not every day, they don't seem bothered where he is or what he's doing that's so much more important than them, whereas I am fuming! He said he'd be round at 6pm today and just changed it to 8pm what is he doing all day?? Is it ok that they are like this? my son (15) is mildly autistic so struggles with expressing what he's thinking and my daughter (14) is like her Dad with the 'oh well, life goes on' attitude but I do wonder if she's hiding her true feelings because she sometimes seems over jolly. I hope they'd tell me if they're struggling, but I just don't know. I've told the school and they say they're available if the children want to talk. It's just a bit frustrating that they are 'fine' with everything.

[Hidden]

Breathe RDC81,

You have let your children know they can come to you if they need to talk, and they know they can talk to teachers and counselors at school. Their dad's absence, his oh well, and whatever attitude frustrates and irritates you. You can't control your ex. You can only control yourself, your actions. He has to figure out how he wants to move forward with his relationship with the kids.

Your kids may actually be fine with your split from your husband. I think my kids were fine when their dad and I split because the toxicity in the house went away. It took a while, but we can actually communicate without it looking like a scene from the film called War of the Roses. It could be that once you and your husband begin to manage your feelings, especially when you are around the kids, everything else might begin to fall into place.

[RDC81 in reply to Hidden]

Thanks for this xx

[Hidden in reply to RDC81]

You are most welcome my friend.

[fauxartist in reply to Hidden]

yeah.... ours are actually relieved and happier the ex- was gone because they were very toxic. Only the one daughter who is most like the ex- has ever made an effort to keep in touch... the other two were verbally abused by the ex- so they want nothing to do with them. They are quite okay and happy being in a loving home environment...

[Hidden in reply to fauxartist]

I also have one that tries to stay in touch with the ex. They are grown and it is their decision.

[fauxartist in reply to Hidden]

yep.... we never ever said a bad word for years and years about the ex- and always told the kids if they wanted to see them it was up to them. We had no idea to what extent they didn't want to see the ex- until they wanted to talk about what they had gone through with the ex- and why they didn't want to see them.... My partner worked 6 day weeks 13-14 hour days, and didn't know any of what was going on, because the kids were bullied into silence. It was not horrific abuse but verbal abuse none the less, and it caused some self esteem issues with the kids. Even though my partner is a very loving parent, and is what saved the kids in the long run.... we are still helping them put their lives together.

[6ixtyon1]

It can be a puzzler for parents; sounds, too, like what most teens don't feel they have the tools/strengths to get into at length, with an involved parent, such as yourself...that leaves you hanging, sort of, trying to figure out your childrens' reactions.

Give this a little breathing space and journal your own reactions, if you can...doesn't have to be on paper; you can make notes with a recorder on your phone--or, if you are old school, like me, a mini-recorder may feel more comfortable to use...

I would let the children know, one more time, that you are available, any time they feel a need to talk, or express how they are feeling...give it time. It could be minutes, or years...you are obviously a very caring parent, but there is just no way to know...the perspectives between parents and children, sometimes, can be so different...

When I was growing up, separations and divorces were just becoming normalized and more prevalent; I recall a few very angry classmates around me, where one parent went off on their own, or found someone else they liked better...you knew not to bring the subject up around that classmate, unless you were a close friend, or going through the same in your own family.

The plus of all of this is that people don't have to stay together in a toxic relationship, any more, until one spouse passes away...time and experience--and communcation--can be such great healers. I'm not sure how this could be, but all of this could be a blessing in disguise...maybe that's how your children are feeling about it, right now...

Blessings and luck, always, for all of you, as you move forward...

[RDC81 in reply to 6ixtyon1]

Thank you xx I think I'm finding it hard they're not as angry at him as I am. Must work on that.

[Sandyxoxx in reply to RDC81]

Hi I went through the dad not showing up ,and he would plan stuff with them . I got tired of him letting them down n my son crying ,he took it worst ! Daughter was like ..I told you so , went about her business. She was 4 yrs older than her bro of 7yrs old , he miss birthdays ,etc ..So I went to court to get it in writing a court order when to see them every other weekend !! Oh he couldn't come 100ft from the house ,I had a restraining order ,he hit me . Worked out pretty good , he messed up alittle , took kids on my time without my permission, he was trying to play me like I was the bad guy . Smh it was scaring when he meet them on the corner ,when I was thinking they were in their friends house !! Well I put a end to that , and telling my kids ,pls don't do that ,I worry something happened ! It went away little by little ,I tried not to make it a Big thing !! Hope that helped ,my kids are grown now . I told them it's their choice to talk to him , but I dont wanna know anything about him . It's better that way !! I went my way n he had nothing to say ! Even today ,my life his life !

[RDC81 in reply to Sandyxoxx]

It's such a shame they have to be put through this though, they absolutely adore him and understandably so he was a lovely, lovely person but today he said he'll be round at 4, they were stood in the kitchen with their shoes on waiting to go, he messages saying he's got too much to do and he can't make it. What did he have to do at 4pm on a Sunday that stopped him seeing them, all his stuff is still in this house so I don't know. My son looked so disappointed and my daughter was just like "maybe he's looking at houses?" Bless her so forgiving always thinks the best. Tbh I think he'd either got too stoned to drive or had planned to go for drinks but there's no telling them that.

[6ixtyon1 in reply to RDC81]

I think that's a good idea...save your energy for your children...you are a good parent, so I know that you will have your eyes and ears open, to future facts...I think you are on the right track!